Reviews for UnSpeakable Danger

L J Longo
2004-06-09
ch 1,

Well, I got about a third of the way down before I couldn't take it anymore.
Chapters might have helped... but, I think one of the main things you need to learn is that what works in cheesy action adventure movies doesn't lend itself all that well to fiction.
I know you have hopes of joining the army which is obvious by your knoweldge of guns and vehicles and all that, but I severely doubt a goverment agent would just take off after a car for no good reason. I also have doubts that the general of the United States would open a conversation with "'Hi, this is the General of the US.' Say I got a mission for you..."
You also have a personalization complex about your character, which means that the other characters in the story are totally obessed with everthing he does. Ex. the guys on the shooting range. I'm sure no one really cared what his phone conversation was about, and chances are only the man bringing him his target would have known what a good shot he was.
I know that was pretty harsh for someone who didn't even read the whole story. But usually I'm able to read the entire story.
Still, it wasn't all bad. The plot had me interested... just not enough.

Formerly
2004-06-03
ch 1,

"It was a Cobra pistol with a silver **."

Holy. **. I've never seen a gun with... that sort of thing, before.

"Sharp coked and loaded"

So he's also taking drugs, while using a well-endowed gun? Sounds like my kind of guy.

"He took to shots"

How can he do that if this is the present? "He took to shots" might mean that he developed an affinity for them in the past, but I thought you were talking about right now.

"Asked the man nexted"

Whoah.

" "Yeah, somewhat I think I got a talent for it." "

Why is he torturing that poor sentence so?

Sorry, but I can't deal with this. At least you don't think you're a great writer, like some...

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