Reviews for Whispers of Silhouettes

Reviews For: Whispers of Silhouettes - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Live2Create 2005-07-25 ch 15,	couple typos: "...Vincent yells, voice Horace from the..." should be hoarse & "...a flicker of indignantly..." something just doesn't sound right about that...perhaps using a different adverb. ~L2C
Live2Create 2005-07-25 ch 10,	good chapter overall...mostly i would just vary the sentence structure a bit...a lot of times you start with "Brooke did..." or "Vincent said..." etc., etc...I will read on. ~L2C
Live2Create 2005-07-21 ch 8,	I like Brooke...her chemistry with Vincent is well written...They make a good team..and Lyle...well I don't have anything good to say about him. Good work.
Live2Create 2005-01-31 ch 5,	the killer is one angry person...obviously. but the situation begs the question...why was the killer talking to a priest in the first place? hm...i will read on. ~Mystery-Chick
Live2Create 2005-01-31 ch 2,	well...very graphic. You have a talent for descriptive language...shudders Anyway it's a good chapter to follow up the prologue. One thing I feel I should point out is that it would make the story feel smoother if you varied the sentence structures and made them longer. I shall continue... ~Mystery-Chick
Mystery-Chick1285 2005-01-28 ch 1,	Well, you've done a great job at capturing the readers attention in the very first line. I believe that any good mystery writer needs to grab the reader by their...well i won't go into that. Great job! I'll read more later... ~Mystery-Chick
Saeculorum 2004-12-05 ch 28,	Ohohoho! I'm finally reading it. x) By the way, to other people that're just reading the review page before the story (I do that), I have spoilers in this review. D: Moving on now . . . These are in chronological order, as far as the story goes. ` Vincent acts a lot older than he is; you say that the teenager Jordan is about 17 which was three years younger than Vince, which means that he's 20-ish; he acts as if he's around 40 years old. ` There are some typos here and there as well as a few grammatical errors. ` Sometimes the narrative with the killer doesn't really work. The profanities add a bit of effect but don't really shock the reader. If you're not a murderer or psycho yourself, it's kind of hard to write from the point of view of one, and accurately. The killer seems to be ranting more than being psycho. ` I was a little confused in "One Big Happy Family." The setting wasn't really defined that well (I thought they were in a house or something, probably because of the line "The father has wandered to the bathroom."); maybe you could have a little more description? ` I really like your characterization of Jessica in "Saved by the Ringtone." I love the way you had her so stalker-esque, even to the point where she memorized the times where he ate the cookies. ` I like the gruesome murders you devise (stop looking at me as if I were a psycho xD). They're really unique and have me interested, instead of just the usual "he was stabbed ten bajillion times and left there to die D:" Kudos on that! ` Which park did you base "Christmas Already?" on? :D Oh wait, don't tell me xD then I won't be able to go to that park again . . . ` I think you need to add a little more description in the "Christmas Already?" chapter. Vincent was shocked, yes, but I didn't have that feeling of wanting to run to the bathroom and throw up; I was kind of just reading it indifferently (but then again, that might just be me . . . ). ` ""Don't come any closer!" Vincent yells, voice Horace from the abuse to his throat." Is the 'Horace' intentional? ` xD I'm a pervert; in "Eclectic Shock" I thought they were going to have sex or something, and I was wondering, "What? That fast?" xD You might want to make it a little clear that she was just going to sleep, PG-way, with Vincent. ` You might need to re-upload your chapters; FictionPress replaces the ellipse with just one period, so it makes dialogue a little weird at times. ` I like your humor. It's kind of like a sarcastic humor, only not; it's blended in subtlely. ^^ ` In "The Morning After," the meeting with Jordan goes by a bit quickly. It's just as if he only pops up, says something, than goes away - you could add a little more about Jordan's nervousness as he's talking. ` "Besides, I doubt someone his age could even think up of that stuff." cackles and looks at you with an eyebrow raised ` "They can't understand it in the least bit, but from the fevered yelling, and violent gestures, it seems to have something to do with soccer." Hahaha that's beautiful. x) It's the same in China - they're obsessed with soccer. When the Chinese National Team came over to practice in Beihang, a whole news channel came over to cover it and people were pushing their way through, trying to get to the gate to see them. ` Geez I keep reading 'files' as 'flies.' x_x resists urge to put on glasses ` "Jessica glances around the café inspired restaurant." Café! The multicultural, multilanguage poem. x) ` ". . . but she wont leave, like a fungus!" Great use for the simile there xD ` In "For the Love of Life," you had "I guess u have a point there." - I think you can see what I'm irked about. ^^; ` Your psychological reasoning - explaining personalities and all of that - is plausible and interesting. I like it. ^^ ` In "A Grandma's Beauty," "Jessica whispers, "Vincent, help my family again."" sounds kind of awkward because it sounds as if she's demanding him to do it through her shock - maybe adding in a 'please' would dull it a bit. ` I like the way you use Jessica's stalker-esque mind as evidence that she didn't commit the crime. It's like one of those things where you go, "Oh, so THAT's what happened," and I love those. :D ` Regarding the author's notes in "A Grandma's Beauty" - I had a minor issue with that as well. "Phallus" usually doesn't refer to a human ; it's usually a, hmm, how to say this, a model of one, like a . If you wanted it to refer to a human one, you could've said "severed *" and it would've been the same. ` In "Hating Love," you used "I ram him palm up into his nose, feeling the bone crack underneath it." - this is a bit incorrect, as the palm wouldn't do much damage, as it's a hollow, but the heel of the palm would; also, punching would do that a lot more easily. ` "I still can't believe I was able to buy one, and am more than glad to have it with me now." - Why? Is this explained later? You described the killer's friends earlier saying that the killer mothered them, so I don't see why the common passerby would see the killer as a person to not sell a knife to. ` In "Cunningham Whispers of Silhouettes" you used 'u' instead of 'you' more than once. ` For the chapter title . . . "Death Comming." Is this an intentional misspelling, or did you make a typo? I mean, there's another not-G-rated word like that . . . ;D heh. That word would be spelled with a 'u', though, instead of an 'o.' ` "M, I want to, but how? [You strip and then slide yourself onto his-] I know how! I meant how do I do it so he doesn't notice." Haha, I loved that. xD ` I like your description of Vincent's two years of police work in "Death Comming." :D It was very nice and brought out a lot of Vincent's character. ` How does Vincent know the anatomy of the person when he's blindfolded? You don't describe him feeling around, after all . . . ` "Their bodies hitting each other makes a dull slapping sound." That one's a kind of turn off, even if it's how sex really is. xD ` "He glances to his nightstand, where a single plum sits on the edge." I liked this ending; it was dramatic and worked well. ` In "Deal with the Murderer" . . . "I'M HERE FOR WEEKS" Was Brooke really? It doesn't seem like that long . . . o_o ` "Adversely, the girl has her dark hair pulled back in a tight ponytail." :O is that the killer? reads on* ` I really like your characterization of Sarah. x) She's quite interesting. ` "I know what I was arrested for! It was such a sad thing, the police men didn't even frisk me." giggles x) frisky sheep~? ` Nellas Fallason . . . isn't that one of your pennames/nicknames . . . ? x) Oh, and this Sarah, is she the one that I met at school? ` "Who are you then, Sally from Nebraska who can speak Korean only in her mind?" What the heck? xD ` Oh no Emily D: no you didn't . . . this is a self-insert? Do you know the dangers of self-insert?! D: D: D: Well the Emily in the story doesn't seem to be a Mary Sue, which I'm thankful of . . . hmm. ` I like Vincent's phone call in "No Smoke and Mirrors;" it came out really well. ` ""Great, now I can legally sleep with you." Oh *, I did it again." xD That's beautiful. But aren't seniors usually 17? Hmm . . . Most people in 9th are 14 . . . yeah, so most seniors are 17, aren't they? ` ""Ridiculous!" What did he just say? Oh now I remember. It was one of those silly little spells in Harry Potter. It was used to banish the things that frightened the characters. Oh how amusing! I smile and it only makes him more afraid. "Ridiculous!"" Oh, I liked this; it brought it a lot closer to home. I love Harry Potter. x) ` "I then press my thumb into the edges of her left eye. The wet, popping sound of her eye bursting is soon followed by another attempted scream." How easy is it to pop an eye . . . ? ` I like your "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" description. x) I wanted to do a photo series with those, but I'm not that good at photography yet xD ` Where did Emily learn all the killing stuff and the anatomy? Is she taking biology courses, or did she learn these things on her free time? Is it explained in the story? reads on* ` ". . . and her eyes loose focus for a moment." Augh! Loose does not equal lose D: ` If Emily has all this strength to just be able to step on someone's fingers and break them, she's got to be pretty strong and muscular, yet you don't describe her as such. Actually . . . you only describe her hair and eyes. o_o ` "I stand up from the floor and stretch. Ugh, I'm out of shape. Killing five people shouldn't make me this stiff." xD That's strangely humorous. ` The descriptions for the murder here are a lot more shocking than before. ^^ I think it's because you actually describe it happening and not just what Vincent sees afterwards. ` "He can scream as much as he wants and no one will hear him." Actually, wouldn't the neighbors? ` In "Surprise Party," the going crazy was a bit sudden and rapid. I liked the way you only used thoughts, but I was a bit confused as to why she suddenly cracked. Was it because she just screwed a dead guy? ` "Years of experience tell him it means burnt flesh and blood." But hasn't he only been doing this for about two years? ` "Her black hair is down in waterfalls over her body and pools on the floor." This description irked me a bit because it's so commonly used. You could try using something else; you can be unique with the murders, so I feel that you can find a better metaphor here. ` In "Right to Remain Silent: Vincent's End" (I hope I punctuated that correctly), the info dump kind of irked me. I mean, it wasn't altogether a bad one - it's something that you would see on the news - but it's not that great either. Hmm . . . I can't quite figure out how to describe it. ` "We find the defendant guilty of manslaughter to the." - Either you forgot to write it in or FictionPress obliterated it. ` I really like your description of the guard at the room - it put a vivid image in my mind. :) ` For "And That's All She Killed: End" I just wanted to point out that, if you're stabbed in the stomach, it takes you some twenty minutes to die from stomach acid flowing out and all, and from blood loss. I don't think you'd die that quickly. ` You didn't explain the plums!! pouts D: Sorry if I seemed to have rushed the end of this review. ^^; I got more absorbed into reading than reviewing. Anywho, I like this! It's one of those twisted stories that really gets to you. You could add some more descriptions here and there, but overall, it gets to the point quickly but without too much lacking. Oh! By the way, I had this in my away message, right, and Karen started reading it xD she's on chapter 12 or something right now. :D May kink be with you always! Now, hopefully, I'll be able to finish Parallax . . . xD (x) shades of clear
piggies 2004-11-19 ch 28,	im so proud of u just wanted to say that heheim so happy for uits ur first fictionpress story hehe
Scared vodka less 2004-11-01 ch 22,	OH MY GOD is anyone else thinking what I am thinking? That the killer is someone Vince knows? Am I close? am i? am i??!?!?! please please please update !
Feeling Ill 2004-11-01 ch 6,	Holy shite! You are VERY talented! I didnt even realize you had been updating!! I need to sign in and put you on the alerts! shiver me timbles!
hummer 2004-10-25 ch 21,	UGH!! FINALLY I can review!! Dammit.. I guess FictionPress really doesn't like me to let me review until now.. 0.o Anywhoo... So.. wassit supposed to mean when he said she looked like "Death"?? hahaha.. white shiny teeth.. squints and protects eyes from blinding sparkles Anyway, nice chapter.. all.. mysterious and stuff.. Heh.. I like Pete.. He's cute.. hahahah.. not as cute as Will.. hm.. NO ONE is as cute as Will.. ;) Hm.. well... maybe Akito-kun, or Fluffy-sama.. BUT... that's cus they're youkai.. ;) Hm.. I'm going to be really if FP doesnt let me send the review, so I'll just finish this up before it decides to be a again.. Um... Everything's super duper although I'm still surprised that the murderer is a girl.. >.< Anyway.. update, and don't you dare lose your typed copy of the index cards... !! XD
Aaron Halloway 2004-10-03 ch 18,	Yay. Finished it(as far as your wrote). For once, no author's blabbering. Think you forgot to add it? Waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
Aaron Halloway 2004-10-01 ch 6,	The word 'phallus' means a representation of an erect **, and not the organ itself. You misused it once. It's not a very common mistake, but that's because no one uses that word much...
Aaron Halloway 2004-10-01 ch 5,	On a payroll now? The murderer seems to be a severe psychotic case, schizophrenia is bad enough. Sadism and necrophilia, though... Although I haven't read later chapters(at time of writing) yet, it would seem as if the priest had got his bible shoved down his oesophagus. I loved that.
Aaron Halloway 2004-10-01 ch 2,	Ah, details, details, the bane of mystery writers. You have it all. I shall read on.

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