Holy * that was fast. Jeez. I want ur writing speed. I'd actually get something done that way. Wow.

Glad to make a difference, though :)

I feel kinda controversial towards this chapter. Again, your ending is perfect. I really want to know what's going to happen next. You have a talent for making the reader want to go on to the next chapter.

On the other hand, I think you overdid on the romance in this chapter. Although, I guess, that could've been your decision to. I personally cringed at the sentnece "Kagome tried his best just to see it as a sausage". It was just a bit too much. Plus the whole implied phrase is horrible cliched. I mean, sausage can be a synonym, not just a symbol.

Your descriptions are great as always, but you need to work on your similies. An example: "He was attracted to her, like flowers are to the sun, and her lips". First of all, the lips are misplaced, you should have the clause after "her", as in "he was attracted to her and her lips." Having them at the end of the sentence is awk sounding. The main point here, however, is that flowers attracted to the sun is a phrase beat up by centuries of use. It's been used so much it doesn't sound good anymore. Of course, using similies can spice up the work, but they are not needed. I use them very rarely when I manage to come up with a decent one. So if I were you, I'd take out that one.

There were a few more things following that phrase I think that were a bit awkward, but I had to go for a bit, so I forgot what they were. I'd read it over if I were you, though. There were a couple of things.

Anyway, I think the reason I somewhat dislike the bold description of their "romance" is because it's strikingly childish. It might be my own personal reaction to this, because it reminds me of me a few years back. idk. But for me, the info was a bit too much. It's like in the book "Rhapsody" by the author whose name I forgot, she vividly describes a couple of sex scenes + has a lot of references to sex. It's annoying for me and it's too much detail. Trust me, I love doing it, but hearing about details of someone else doing it is another thing. Again, my personal view on it. And, idk, it might be required for the plot, so you are free to disagree with me on this.

Another thing to watch out for is using the same emotion. So far this story has been almost purely sexual/romantic, and it's getting old. You need to make the reader experience something different soon. Just a heads up.

O, ok, I found what I said awk:"Oh how he was dying to feel them against his again". At least end that sentence with an exclamation mark, it'd make it better. I'd reccomend rephrasing the entire phrase, perhaps taking out the "oh" completely. It sounds weird, because this narrative from the POV of an omnipotent viewer who knows and sees everything. Using "oh"s in description is used usually when the POV is that of an actual person. Idk if that was clear, I suck at explaining.

However, as I said, the plot is interesting, and the ending was great as always. Keep writing! Don't get scared by all the critique - I'm only trying to help.

This is a good start. Before I praise you, however, I would like to point out a certain sentence clause that is gramatically incorrect and very annoying that you keep using over and over. It kind of killed my attention since you use it quite often.

"Her reaction was just about as taken with the person n the other side of the huge doors, raising an eyebrow as she looked to his chest, a soft grin spreading across her lips as she took in his appearance, it was his stance that intrigued her the most, trying to suppress a giggle, she held out a drenched hand to introduce herself."

The sentence should stop after "appearance." Just break it up and capitalise the "it." Or, at least, use a semicolon. A comma is just wrong there, and it sounds weird. You tend to run on with your sentences a bit too much - slowing down and varying the tempo would help a lot.

That's a VERY big problem. I skipped over a few paragraphs because of this, becausse it annoyed me so much. However, it's the ONLY problem I've found, so no worries.

Now to praise. :)

You have wonderful descriptions, aside from that grammatical mistake. You paint emotions with intricacy - I can just feel what the two characters are feeling. You include the tiniest details, which is great - it makes both of them alive and real. The plot seemed OK - not too original up to the very end of the second chapter. I have to say that the end was a bit random. I'm not sure if that's true, but you probably planned the plot from the very beginning. I myself am not a big fan of setting a rock-hard plan for my story - some great authors do it (i.e. J.K. Rowling), but you really need to be good to avoid clumsiness like that. I simply didn't believe from what I knew about the character that she would actually tell the truth. But that's just my humble opinion, you can keep that as it is.

At any rate, the revealing of the plot at the very end of the story was grasping, and very intriguing. I like the romance that you put in there (I have a soft spot for that, I gotta admit). I hope the sweetness and utter goodness of the characters won't continue, however, because I don't really like perfect characters. Everyone's gotta have something bad about them. Or at least not so sweet. Introducing a "bad guy" would help.

Sorry if this sounded harsh, I really don't try to be. I like this story a great deal and will wait for updates (please do update, that'd be nice). If the next few chapters turn out to be of the same quality, it will go on my favorite stories list. But for that, you need to update! So hurry! :-D

Kind Regards,Antoine De La Baraque

Hey I hope your still writing more for this story.

wonderful start! very impressive and beautiful writing
~sparrowsredrose

interesting start...bit of love at first sight, eh!? looking forward to reading more!