   raven-birdie 2004-07-07 . chapter 1Okay kid, you've got talent but you need some tips. You said be as 'harsh as possible'. No need for harshness but here's my advice. =)
1.) You have to learn to get inside your character's mind's better- all of them. Somebody who just found out their wife died? He ain't gonna be calm, cool, and collected. You show that somewhat in this story BUT not effectively. Instead of 'he said' you could put 'he breathed, forming his tongue around the syllables of the words as if he were speaking a foreign language as images of his now deceased wife surrounded his mind's eye'. Something like that.
2.) Cops are not going to allow somebody, even the victim, onto a crime scene probably. It's not done. And even if they do allow it, they're not going to say 'sure' or whatever. They're careful about their word choices too when telling a victim's family about murder's or such that happen. they wouldn't stutter and say 'umm..kidnapping'. It'd traumatize the family more by leaving them on the edge.
3.) No way that a police man would let a guy take his gun like that and get away with it. No way what-so-ever. Big no-no.
4.)It seems like you rushed the story a bit at the end. Don't do that, let it fold out for itself.
5.) With your writing style, I think you'd be really good at writing "English mysteries", like Sherlock Holmes type of mysteries where the reader doesn't know how the mystery will turn out (or be solved) but the main character does (secretly) and all's revealed at the end.
Alright, hope that helps. It's hard to get inside your character's head but when you do it pays off in more ways than you can imagine. Nice job with the dialogue in most parts, esp. the homeless man. I liked the (breath)-ing parts. Stephen King is really good at getting inside his character's heads. You may want to read a couple of his books to see what I mean. Keep at it! |
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