|Reviews for The Crusader|
| carrot101 11/2/06 . chapter 1
Hmm... I'll be honest with you, just so you know. I like this so far from what I read in the first chapter. A few spelling mistakes. Also, I think you should have made the conversations flow a bit better. I was surprised that you wrote this in present tense, too! I find that rather hard to do. The beginning (concerning the present tense) was a little rough, but as I read on, it became better and I didn't have to think about it as much.
Very interesting story line so far! A little dull, but I am looking forward to reading the next chapter, which I'll do sometime later. Great job! ...and don't let my constructive criticism let you down and feel bad either!
| Alteng 11/2/06 . chapter 6
That was a terribly sad place to leave all of this. I know things get better for Andrew. I am glad he did not kill the suspect there and then. He could have easily, but he would have been in trouble with the law for it, and it would have been hard for him to become a superhero afterwards.
I think you need to give a couple of more days between the criminal's escape and the murder of Darlene. Otherwise, Andrew isn't the only one who did radio-active steroids.
Oh well, it is a nice story with some work, and I am moving on to other things now.
| Alteng 11/1/06 . chapter 5
Okay, there is another chapter to read yet. Oh well.
Again and interesting chapter, and everything is going along beautifully for the young couple. Such careers would really screw with the social life the two have.
| Alteng 11/1/06 . chapter 4
Okay, another good chapter. Your chapters read fast, adn there is no real bordom going on in there. I have already told you my opinion on this background story, and I will not repeat it here. One more chapter to read.
| Alteng 11/1/06 . chapter 3
My blood pressure has been 79 over 49 before. I knew I was half dead!
Oh well, I am surprised that there wasn't any major ot do about him being in the hospital with drug abuse and whatnot. Of course, I know little of LA, and such things might be common enough that a little Marijuana isn't worth the police depatrment's notice.
Still, an exciting chapter, and it is nice to see how things start out.
| Alteng 11/1/06 . chapter 2
You know there is already a band called the Misfits? Oh well, other bands can possibly pick up the same name. I listen to two different bands called Covenant, two called Tempest, and two called Macbeth.
Several interesting points to make. One is from your previous chapter. I think I would just say that Andrew's roommate was playing video games. The Super Nintendo is a pretty old system. The 1990 car is cool, because you are trying to say it is old.
$20 for a drug is rather cheap. You should maybe make that $100. That way it is a bit more of a significant loss. It sounds more illegal, but it is not so much that a college student wouldn't be able to afford it.
It is true that the guys are a bit high, but I think that they may be a bit shocked enough to realize that Andrew has done something really stupid, and an ambulance might need to be called.
One last thing, I am not sure if being hit in the knee with a basketball would be enough to damage the knee enough for permanant damage, but if he hit the floor hard enough, it surely would be. I work stock in a grocery store, and I fell over a box and slmmed hard into the floor. My knee has never been the same since, and I know that a basketball court is pretty dang hard.
Anyway, although I make a lot of discerning remarks, I can't hate teh story, because I am still reading it, and that says much.
| Alteng 11/1/06 . chapter 1
Okay, I decided to see the beginning of this series, so here I am. There isn't much I can say outside of what I already told you in the previous reviews in as far as this is written more like a comic book, and that works.
It is fun to see the differences between Andrew now and what he was in Sweet Box.
| Gilded Coins 10/23/06 . chapter 6
Wow. Superhero story, hmm? I haven't read one before. I'll be sure to read the rest of your works. I found it interesting though the ending was quite sad. This played out almost like a movie, a series of scenes linked together. Most of the descriptions, though short, were very specific and clear and the story did have a very "superhero" feel to it.
But (always a but, ey?) the writing style certainly needs work.
- Like the previous review mentioned, the present tense sounds awkward.
- There are lots of typos.
- The product placement seems mostly unnecessary.
- The sentence structure is monotonous.
I'm reading "Freedom Island" right now and the writing style is far superior. If the published dates are any indicator, you have progressed a lot over the years.
This story could really use a rewrite. In fact, I'd love to read an updated version in your new writing style and with all the typos corrected. Good luck with the rest of your works.
| Anya Tempest 12/19/05 . chapter 5
Oh, I forgot to say this in my last review!
I really liked the way you described the fight scenes in the wrestling matches. You clearly know what you're talking about, and it shows.
Great work on that front. D
| Anya Tempest 12/19/05 . chapter 6
I think that if you don't have a program with a spell checker you should proof-read your work more carefully. They were a lot of spelling mistakes, but not because you don't know how to spell, the majority of them were simple typos eg. two letters the wrong way round.
There were a few points where you got your tenses a little messed up too. Your story is written in the present tense, but occasionally you used phrases like "he had a blue shirt" when, going by your tense it should be "he has a blue shirt". (That is not a actual example, I just used it to make my point, in case you look for the line...)
The present tense is not one I would have chosen myself. I find it pretty awkward to read, particularly if the viewpoint is third person, as yours is. However, if that's what you find suits you best, stick with it.
I would try to work on your dialogue. It seems rather wooden, I would work on getting it more natural, like a conversation would flow in real life. You also don't allow your readers access to your characters thoughts. They perform actions and speak, but without delving into the mind behind them, they remain distant strangers to the reader.
One last point and then I'm done being critical. The plotline is very similar to that of Spiderman, particularly in this last chapter. I don't for one moment think you meant it to be like that, but it is. Andrew is involved in wrestling, as is Spiderman. A man runs past Andrew and he does nothing, justifying himself to the security guard, just like Spiderman. Andrew then discovers that the criminal he let escape is responsible for the death of his loved one, the same way that Spiderman's uncle was killed by the criminal he let past.
It is very very similar, so much so that it's no longer an influence for your work, but actually replaces your work.
I love superhero tales, so I'm going to read and review the rest of your shorts, but I think if you get a chance you should re-write this ending, making it more original.
I apologise if I sound very blunt and harsh, because I'm not trying to discourage you. I hope you found my feedback helpful. D
| Eiji Tunsinagi 7/2/04 . chapter 6
So...is he gonna become a superhero or something? I think thats where this is going...
| Eiji Tunsinagi 7/1/04 . chapter 5
FINALLY, a story thats actually well-written. I'm quite surprised. Good stuff. Continue it.