Questions/comments about this story:

1. How does a bump on the head leave someone confined to bed and needing to be taken care of? Was it a bad concussion or a skull fracture? Or does Richard's sister just think she needs to be taken care of, like a hypochondriac?

2. How does he know the creature is harmless and only bumping boats out of curiosity? He keeps saying this even when he has only had a few glimpses of it. You could add more tension by having everyone THINK it's dangerous, and then it turns out to be friendly.

3. I liked the stupid Young-Earth Creationist teacher, Mr. O'Barr. There are some of them in our homeschool club and they are ANNOYING! Maybe you could have the lake creature eat Mr. O'Barr?

4. When Richard tells Mr. O'Barr that "my sister had a nasty bump on her head from a booting accident," does this mean some jerk KICKED her in the head after she already bumped it on the boat? That's so mean! When did that happen?

5. Does the Loch Ness creature (and its relatives) have a grudge against the Borland family for some reason? It made their father have a heart attack while fishing, then it attacked the boat Richard's sister was on. Then the one in Lake Huron attacked the boat his girlfriend was on! This seems like it couldn't be a coincidence.

6. Also, why did Richard's sister move to Scotland after their father died there? If my mom or dad died in another country I would probably never want to live there!

7. What is a "descent sized boat"? Is this a type of submarine that is big and strong enough to descend into the deep water where the pressure is really high? It never does that in the story. Also, what does Richard mean when he says "I was doing a descent job of keeping the camera steady"? Is he lowering it into the water? Is it a waterproof camera? This is unclear.

8. It seems like too much of a coincidence that Thomas Klein is both a friend of Richard's father and the husband of his girlfriend's second cousin. You should probably take one of these things out.

9. It feels a little bit like too many people have seen the lake creature and acknowledge its existence for it to still be a mystery to science. You should probably tone this down.

10. How does the existence of the lake creature prove that science is right and religion is wrong? Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in ex nihilo creation myself, but if someone did, why wouldn't they believe God could create a lake creature just the same as a whale or an elephant?

11. There are a LOT of run-on sentences, sentence fragments, grammar mistakes, etc. Did you mean for this to sound like the journal of a sort of stupid high school kid, who thinks he's really smart because he knows a few big words and calls it his "narrative"? If so you should play this up, as well as making the rest of your writing sound less like this so that it stands out.

My god, you're bad. This is one of the most un-readable things I've ever tried to read. :)

Hello.Yes, I readthis because it was one of the few without a high rating for language. I found it interesting. Though I do have a bone to pick. I don't understand why the Bible and Nessie must be mutually exclusive, as you seemed to suggest. Being a strong Christian myself, I believe in Nessie and, while I haven't heard much about other such creatures, would be inclined to believe them just as possible. My stand on it, though, is not that they are an evolutionary something or other, but merely a prehistoric survivor. Now that I've had my little rant (or something. It's not really a rant. Not enough exclamation points...) I'll get on with the critiqueing. Honestly, there isn't much to say. Your dialogue does seem a bit stiff, as if everyone in the story knows what everyone else is thinking or up to. A few spelling errors, not many. Of course, I can't spell that well, so...my word on that doesn't mean much. I like you style. And the characters thoughts. Very realistic, very centered on his goal. Overall, it was a fun read. I would love it if you could suggest any other of your stories without language (I had read something of yours before that was quite...rough in regards to language and would prefer not to again.) I like the way you write and would enjoy reading more of your tales, but not if I have to scroll through pages of expletives. Well, later!

Gata de la Noche

This is the heavy hitter of "Tabloid Purposes I", certainly the dawn of something new. This is one Pacione's stories that kicked in, rather than opened, a lot of doorways.

Fantastic story! I like everything about it, the characters, the plot, and your style. Especially, your style.

Good job! Keep up the good work.

I really enjoyed this story. I love science fiction and the whole idea of a Nessie legend so close to home is very interesting to me. I found your main character to be very human. I like that. Many times, the main character is too heroic, even for a hero. You have kept it real here. Nice work. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Yeah this was good, but the tone of the story bothers me; it's way too formal, the way the characters speak doesnt seem real, its also not very big on description - every sentence serves to move the plot forward, which sometimes can lead to rushing. Good enough though, and your first foray into science fiction! I'd appreciate it if you could review some of my fiction,
~ JD

I liked this story. I can't say I understood it all, but I liked. I mean this as a compliment, It kind of reminds me of the book IT (One of my favorites) If you had said it just a story, I would have thoughtit to be true. Good work.

I posted this at absolute write, but you seem to have forgotten ll about that place, so I'll post it here as well.
Well, the writing isn't too shabby, if one ignores the glaring grammar and spelling mistakes. But what bothered me was the tone, I kind of felt as if the whole story was a personal rant of yours, it seemed laced with judgement. Everyone was a bit too eager to attack the teacher, who ended up looking like a cardboard villain. When one character goes cardboard, the rest of the characters suffer.
The plot was a bit cliché, but that's not as important as the way you build your sentences. For example, what does "Though from the astonishing thing is the written word, as descriptions of this creature though what I captured on film was something words cannot even capture" mean? Sentences like that one forced me to go back and re-read, and sometimes I still didn't understand what you were trying to say.

Here's my pledge to you, Nicky: each time you take down the review I leave for your story, I will return the following day and post it again. Either gain control of Fictionpress and ban reviews, or be prepared to spend a lot of time taking down reviews that don't praise your collection of misspelled words. Here's my review: this was terrible. Learn to spell first, then learn how to write. Hope that helps!

I forgot I hadn't reviewed this since I read it awhile back. I really enjoyed this piece, a great approach to the sci-fi genre. I especially like the "I know it's out there, whether you believe me or not" plot to work. But this is one of your best pieces, I must say.

Nick- An interesting genre to write in. I'm not much of a sci-fi person, but I did like the Alien movies, and a little bit of the Twilight Zone. This is a nice piece.

Nick, I'm amazed this is your first sci-fi write...you have all the elements needed for a novel length work. I like your descriptive narrative & the way you give your reader a sense of history for the setting. Don't let this story end here though...I wanted to keep turning pages on this one! By developing these characters just a bit more you could give an added punch to your ending! Just some food for thought & thanks for an intriguing read!

It was a very creative idea, really it was. You normally don't write sci fi type stuff, and pulled this one off just great! The only thing, maybe put a space between the paragraphs where they end and where a new one starts up, easier to read things that way. Good job with the description of the history behind the place and the situation too.