Reviews for Predators of the Night

Reviews For: Predators of the Night - Reviews: Page 1 of 5

Limited Edition 2007-09-26 ch 1,	abuseThe setting is too typical for a vampire setting to match my tastes. The language makes it stronger, with words like "eerie". I would've found it more eerie if it wasn't so very clear. But the language is also very varied, yet easy to understand. This sentence: "...Silent whisper of the night, calling out to all of its children who might be listening." sounds oddly familiar, but I can't place it. I'm not too fond of the ad-like description of the character, not fond at all. She is also very typical. I actually forgot their appearance as soon as I reached the next paragraph XD But turquoise is my fav colour! Yay. I'm assuming the name Hikaru was chosen carefully because of it's meaning. I like that it's about two females. That's atypical, and possibly the strength of the story, along with the vivid descriptions. I don't know why, but somehow I'm lost as to what's taking place. The balance between dialogue and description is a delight, but the attitude in the dialogue is...typical? XD Well, good job!
Fractured Illusion 2007-09-02 ch 4,	abuseOMG I stole your 60th review spot! :O Hail me! Ahem turns into serious mode "rising above the horizon like a great, fiery eye just awakened from a deep slumber" chuckles This is awesome because 1) I likey metaphors and 2) The add above your story has a one-eye on it peeking at me. Hohooho ^^; I feel stalked.. "Call her melodramatic to act as such" Awkward. You are speaking with the readers, telling them to call her melodramatic, and that does not fit at all. Try "Perhaps she was melodramatic to act as such -" You also addresses the readers a bit later in the start of the following paragraph, and I advise against it. Your call, though. "The monster within us is alive" AAH! There you do it again! :O The whole flow is broken with this kind of writing popping out of nowhere, and you went against all other patterns you had before in your writing. It's not a smooth transition as there is no reasonable ..well, reason for this change. Aside from that though, I enjoyed the first paragraph. It was nice, especially with Sela's first comment ^^ Question with the whole time-limit thing: What is really stopping Sela from transporting her and Hikaru to a safe place when they are in te forrest and it should be daylight once the spell wears out? She showed she could teleport in the first chapter, I think. You said something like that she was by Hikarus side in an insant. Or was that just her running or something (which would seem odd, those places are crowded to be running in such a high speed in. She'd have knocked down a few people doing that)? "Another two hours passed, and with the passing of time" passed, passing. Unnecessary repetition. Please use a synonym. "“Bastard!” Hikaru shouted. “Give me back my ** sword!”" I do not know how much she mingles with mortals of this day and age, but so far she has only be seen hanging out with supernatural creatures that are old, like she, and shouldn't she NOT say words like that? I mean, she is from another era to say the least. If you look at older people, who are subjected to the TV and all that, they don't share the same swearing vocabulary as the younger ones. Thus, "**" and "bastard" strikes me as odd and too vulgar for her.. Just a thought. "up into a run[,] though[,] Hikaru hardly" Wasn't it like that how you treat them "though"s? :P "to catch up to," I am under impression you catch up "with" someone rather than "to". But maybe yours is right. Not too sure. "what the hell he was trying to prove." Again with the new speaking swearing thingie. "to be at eye level with her face" "with her face" is really unnecessary. I am assuming that she does not have eyes elsewhere, and thus the face is really the only option for him to be at eye-level at. "He bowed to them as was his gentleman manners," What gentleman manners? He stole her sword, ran away with it, and made her run after O.o Not too gentleman-y in my opinion. The guy was cool at first, taking her by surprise and all. But then he turned all helpful, so I don't like his as much as before. I wonder who it is though. Maybe the man who got chased to America by fangirls? ^^; The whole quest in the Mirror Forrest seems a bit weird. I mean, they go in it, without any sense of where to look nor what to look for (despite that Hikaru can die should they fail, they have not decided to seek out more info despite that), and they just...walk around, only to be saved by this faux-gentleman guy. It just seems to be that they didn't put in as much effort into this as I'd expect them to. They had to rely on HIM to get there, after all. So more emphasis on what they did to try to find it, and how they failed with that before or after the guy comes in would be appreciated. That way it's easier to not think that they didn't do their best. Otherwise I found that the story flowed. You added descriptions nicely (be wary to not go overboard though) and as I said, the introduction of this "new" character was nicely done (its the end of the introduction that bothers me). Keep it up! - Frac
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-25 ch 3,	abuse"The sound of a snort followed by a responding neigh had their heads turning towards the forest entrance" The sentence is presented a bit awkwardly, I think. Because I don't really get what you're trying to say. Are you trying to say that someone snorted (followed by a neigh) if only they had turned their heads to the forest entrance? It's confusing. "The immense beauty of the sky above [you should have something here, otherwise the sentence is incomplete. Either that, or add it before "above"] her as she rode past" "Though her heart, long since stopped its beating, yes, was still there telling her to hold" You needlessly complicate this sentence, as it read a bit awkward (specially with the -yes- part. Maybe "Though her heart had long since stopped its beating, it was still there, telling her to hold". "However...she did not realize that she was not alone." Double negative is usually advice against. What you choose to do with it is your business though ^^ "She was absolutely frozen in fear, seriously" Might want to skip the adverb at the end. It sounds a bit juvenile to say, regarding the circumstances where it was all mature "A scream of pain screeched to the heavens as her heart completely ceased beating" Ooh, pretty ^^ Nice ending to the flashback. What follows after could have been cut out, so this line leaves more of an impression. Also, to put more emphasis on this line, make it into its onw paragraph. I am in question WHY kassandra/Hikaru stayed after Cyrek told her to. What was going on in her mind? Did she know what she was now? How did she feel about that? That felt a bit weird, that she would wait. Perhaps, if he just said "From this point on -" yada yada, and then you skip the next part of his, cutting to "It was then she realized blabla, no longer alive". That's leave more of an impression, I think. (you'd need to smoothen the transitions of course) "“Over five hundred long years, and he still hasn’t returned...”" Aha, I now see why his leaving was important then. Well, what a bastard guy :/ Will we see him later on? Good hinting, if that is the case. Anyhow, I liked the sort of death like graveness between the two friends as they parted. I didn't really get WHAT was the problem, but the emotion was still there. Also, the ending was rather nice, creating some longing on Hikaru's behalf. It'd be unfair if she never saw him again,you know? ^^ is however a fan of unfair - Frac
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-22 ch 2,	abuseLooking the chapter over, the paragraph length is MUCH better! :D I am glad! Goodie! ^^ Ok, now to the actual review: "a brunette woman" ditch the "woman". A brunette means a brown haired WOMAN anyhow. You are just repeating yourself this way. "“Welcome back Miss Majia." wasn't her name "Majja"? O.o confused Must've read wrong, I guess I liked the little scene flashback with drake. Oh, plot twists! :D "a smirk plastered on her tanned face! Yes! This is a much better way of describing a person! Really, when comparing this chapter to the first, it seems like they have been written by two different people :O Your sentences aren't as flowery anymore either. Good! ^^ And don't think about making chapters longer. Just keep in all what is essential. If too long however, split in two. But that is not the case here ^^ I noticed. You've practically commited the death sin regarding the names for your main characters. One has a japanese name, despite this not taking place there. And the other one sounds too much like Selene, which is a far too popular name on this site for heroines. Just thought you should know. A much better chapter though. Keep it up! - Frac
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-22 ch 1,	abuseHi there! First I will make a comment about how inviting the chapter look, merely at first glance (without reading). At first, you have a couple of long paragraphs, which can be discouraging to the readers' eyes. Try to cut them shorter (and never have a paragraph longer than 5 lines. This is a comp screen after all. Eyes get tired more easily). Regarding your description of Hikaru, it felt very "listy". What I meant by this was that you suddenly start to sprout how she looks (even down to height). This is quite bad. Such descriptions, even though you made a good effort and making it sound more alive, is still not (alive I mean). It is still "listy", as you can notice when reading it over. Rather, you want to incorporate descriptions of her when writing what she does. SHOW and not tell (and telling is what you did.) Example of showing: "Hikaru Kuromeru walked in a faster pace than usual, her steps hard, causing her black hair to sway up and down dramatically. Her fists were as clenched as they could, which was a rather limiting action due to her sharp, claw-like nails, and a look of annoyance could not be washed off her pale face that contrasted her black leather clothes." Of course, now I just made stuff up regarding her mood and all, but you get the point, right? And don't feel bad if you don't give every detail about her appearance in one paragraph. Hell, that is even better! You want to scatter your descriptions a bit, ya know? (though it could be a bad idea to wait until the last chapter to say that she is black haired, and things like that ^^; Scattered in the first chapter, I mean) And not all regarding her looks need to be told of, either. "which is rather surprising." Due to the tense you use; I think it should be "which was rather surprising" "would put it simply" switch places with "it" and "simply" and it flows better “...?!” Err, okay. No. Dialog is used only if words are spoken. When it is a pause, you write that it is a pause. So I strongly advice cutting this out as it looks a but amateur-ish :/ There is a very detailed fight scene with various of sneaky attacks going on. But I don't get it. WHY is there even a fight to begin with? Sure, I get it. They don't like the guy. But he showed no signs of hostility. Why could they just not ignore him? THEY attacked him, which makes them come off as irrational for starting this major fight about something trivial. What I suggest is that you show through dialog, rather than tell, how much of a bothering jerky, enemy he is. Give them a REAL reason to attack him just touching her cheek. The entire fight seemed uncalled for, and he was only protecting himself after all. Which makes me root for him. :/ This is why motive is so important in a story. The story does give off sort of "cool" vibes and an actionfilled plot. I think it was a mistake on your part to focus more on the descriptions of scenery and how they looked in this chapter, rather than how they are as people (like, through more dialog between the two or something). Nevertheless, I shall go onto the next chapter to see how it goes. - Frac (I understand this was written years ago and that you probably have improved a whole lot. So my suggestion: Edit the chapter so it is up to par. If you can improve it: do it. There is no excuse not to ^^)
King of Kings 2007-07-08 ch 6, anon.	abuseAlright, who 'is' this masked stranger? It seems he has some control over the demons...whoever they were. The fight scenes were well done, as well as the scene at the beginning. Wonderful chapter, I hope to see the next one from you soon. ;)
King of Kings 2007-07-07 ch 4,	abuseLong time, no review. I'm glad I found this story again - this masked stranger is interesting, and I have an inkling as to who he might be, but I'm not certain. Now, have they found the Gateway? I must read on to find out, now mustn't I? ;)
King of Kings 2007-06-15 ch 3, anon.	abuseI liked the description in this chapter, and the glimpse into Hikaru's past. I wonder about Cyrek, and why he never returned. Excellent chapter. ;)
King of Kings 2007-06-07 ch 2, anon.	abuseSorry I haven't reviewed in a while - I just got back from a hiatus a little while ago. Hope you're enjoying your vacation, and this review pleases you when you get back! Anyway, on to the review. This chapter was much easier to read, and I liked it. It seems Drake is coming back - I must admit I'm glad. He's my favorite, aside from Hikaru. ;) I am even more interested in this story, I will be reading more soon.
Tatiana Moore 2007-05-30 ch 7,	abuseHAVE A GREAT VACATION! YOU WILL BE MISSED! :D
HotSpring90 2007-05-29 ch 7,	abuseOMG you're so wrong! I was feeling happy because I thought you updated! Nice way to squash my hope -_-...have fun on vacation...
I Will Always Be S.tronger 2007-05-05 ch 3,	abuseThis chapter (to me) had a better flow to it than the last. Good work!
I Will Always Be S.tronger 2007-05-05 ch 1,	abuseHmm... I don't quite understand the whole Majia thing right now, but I'm assuminng that that will be explained in better detail later. The details are good in most places, but at times it can be a bit overkill. Sometimes it would be easier on the audience to read a name instead of a hair-color description.
Carmel March 2007-04-18 ch 6,	abuseHey there! I'm really enjoying reading this story. You're creative, and that shows through in your writing. The descriptions and narrations are lengthy, yes, but I think it suits the story, giving it some...artfulness, I guess :) You've developed some strong characters, and really defined them well. So, all in all, a wonderful story, and I can't wait for more. ~carm~
King of Kings 2007-04-13 ch 1,	abuseWonderful beginning, very descriptive, and interesting. I like both your characters so far - I'm sorry Drake is dead, as he was cool, as well, considering he could turn into a wolf. I don't really get what they were talking about at the end, but I'm sure I will later on. Can't wait to see more of this story. ;)

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