hm...again, the idea is very good. and don't be all mopy (sp?) that i'm criticizing you, it is in a very friendly way that means that you are improving and i think you can take these words and make your other writing better...if that makes sense. : ) i think you should reconsider how you use line breaks. there is a lot of passion and emotion that can be portrayed by breaking a sentence
like this...you just have to find your own feel. it can also put a lot of rhythym and flow into a piece if you put it in just the right spot. it also leaves room for different ideas about the meaning of what you say and different ways to connect sentences...if i'm making any sense, i hope it helps. keep writing poetry. : ) it's good for you.

very nice. what was the inspiration? this thing says to comment on an aspect of the story that can be improved. i dont see anything in this poem that needs improovement. plus its pretty useless trying to critique poems. anyway, heres the review you wanted. hey man, you have lots of talent for your age.