"The star vanished" does make more sense than occlusion, but is less technically accurate...

Okay, just read this story in one sitting. Very fast action, cool descriptions, and good military action over all.

K, so, i just went back and read some of Lunar Eclipse... and while i understand the biology of the Aiuans... i really do have to disagree with the fact that they're ALL female... or at least calling them ALL female... this is just a nitpick, but a major nitpick. Explaining this in your revised EOTS (SOA, i believe it's been changed to now) will help a lot, but even then, my sexist views may prevail. I dunno man... i understand the science is a huge part of everything, but... i dunno... either way, you had better start posting stuff again!

M.C.

Masterfully crafted first chapter. I like the planet, Aiua, and the aliens seem interesting. I also like the way you include different scenes in one chapter. All in all, it looks like a great plot. You have a talent for dialogues, however, in my opinion, a few dialogue tags in the first few paragraphs would help the reader to identify the speaker without backtracking.Now, the "Outposts". Are they stations, or spacecrafts patrolling a perimeter?

P.S. Thanks for the "constructive" review of "The Watchers". I've changed some of the dialogues to make it more conversational. As to their jumping to conclusion about the spacecraft's identity, none of the Human shipyards have ever built saucer/ellipsoid-shaped crafts.

Hello. I know, it's been forever, right?

I wasn't furiously combing through this for nit-picky stuff, like I usually do (not that there is ever much nit-picky stuff to find anyway).

But I found one *super* tiny nit-picky thing. And the only reason I'm pointing it out is because it stopped my flow for a second.

"...one ricocheting off and then other punching a hole in it." -- "then" should be "the".

Major nit-pick, huh? :P

almost 2 months later! good chapter, good update, good everything. More Amara, More Marshall and more action, i loved it. Please do not let it be this long before you update again.

M.C.

Woho! FINALLY. So glad you've finally posted a new chapter. As i read, i was taken back to the taking of Coruscant in Star by Star-- masterful, my friend. Your writing of action scenes have improved greatly, although there are some spots that could be improved. We'll talk about those later. There weren't many errors... but i did have a few qualms.

First, try using active voice verbs more frequently. You said, "Lance was right; the four Crabs had turned around, and having dropped altitude, were flying dangerously close to all the buildings." You could say instead, "the four crabs turned around, dropped altitude, and now flew dangerously close..." It makes your writing seem a bit more urgent and exciting.

The rest are really minor qualms. I would've liked to have seen more insight into Jeb and Lance. I mean, i know they're friends and that's been established, but when Lance comforts Jeb about his father, it's almost kinda random. There was really nothing to suggest he was thinking about his father.

Names, while not overly important for extremely minor characters, should be given anyway. Jeb and Lance's squadron leader and Myles (didn't know his last name, although i suspect his name is Warren), even though they are cannon fodder, seem like nothing but. And sadly, the squadron doesn't have a name either.

Lastly... Amara reminds me of the Arbiter... in that i mean, he's bad **, and he hasn't even started kicking ** yet... :-p

If you wait as long as you did to update again like you did this time, we'll be fighting.

M.C.

Bugger. Those humans are not doing very well. I must say, I like to critique, but it's hard to find things wrong in this. I always enjoy reading your stuff - post another chapter soon.

Good visual at the end of this chapter. The only thing I don't like is that you introduce several characters very briefly in these first few chapters. It's harder for the reader to get a hold on a character unless there are only a couple that you focus on, or if you spend a longer amount of time with each.

So I'm finally getting around to reading this...
It's good. Seems like you've fixed any typos and such already. And the tension is palpable. Looks like great space-opera. I'll keep reading.

you don't update very often, but when you do, whew! it's long. anyway, excellent chapter. the humans got their asses handed to them. update soon.

holy crap! the only thing keeping me happy is that I know you can't have the good guys lose.

Finally, the postman has arrived. Good chapter, here. I really don't know why you feel it's incomplete. It gets the job done quite adequately. Although I have a slight problem with the dialogue of Hammer leader. Your grammar was impeccable... and you must post skies of fire soon or you'll burn slowly...
M.C.

What's going down, bro? I thought I would check up on things.
As far as this story goes, it has an interesting baseline, but the way you delivered the package made me wonder. Mostly this story is comprised of dialogue that quickly gets me lost. Perhaps you might try pouring a little more detail, and a little less in some cases, to help the story. Other than that, nice work.
Later days.

1. "He about to open the comm. so he could a pre-flight check with his squadron..." -- "He WAS about to..."... and "...so he could DO a pre-flight..."
2. "The fact that it was rimmed all-round with rapid-fire guns..." -- "rimmed all-round" sounds odd to me. Maybe just "was rimmed with rapid-fire guns"? Or maybe "all around". "Rimmed" and "all-round" next to each other makes me think those are two separate parts of the description, and that they need to be separated by commas. But you're just saying that the the rim had rapid-fire guns all around it, right? Lol. Oh, man. nm!
3. "Shut the ** up and do your job, we aren't going anywhere!" -- *gasp* Such profanity, Sid! Shame! :D I think you can make the comma an ! and then make a new sentence starting at "We aren't..." Or maybe make the comma another fantastic dash.
4. "...communication in mind- that they had a single connection at all was a miracle." -- might flow a little better if you stick in a "the fact" before "that" :)
5. "You abandoned them the minute you sent them up." -- Nice.
6. "Thank god!" Still dodging, she spared another look, squinting this time." -- Is the "she" Nora? I got confused, because one second she's running for the airlock, and then she's flying again. Unless this isn't the same "she"... though, if it isn't, I have no clue who it is.
7. "...and alarms began to ring in cockpit" -- in THE cockpit
8. EVERY time I see "B'tale" I get visions of those evil, yellow Protoss ships, lol.