Reviews for From the Cradle to the Battlefield

Reviews For: From the Cradle to the Battlefield

chibi-jinx
2004-08-07
ch 1,

abuse*bows* Gomen...Gomen nasai...please do not hate me
First of all, no matter what, never change your tense, meaning that you should not switch, as you did, from present tense to past. Though the way you did it was correct, and it can be done in a story, it is highly unreccomended, escpecially in the beginning of a story. If you have never noticed, no real author begins with present tense, it is simply unheard of. It makes you look as if you do not know the correct writing techniques, and overall just makes you look more like an ameteur. What you want right in the beginning paragraph is to say the same thing, only in the past tense, making your character seem more herioc, believe it or not.
This particular line: ""Father Raimus!" the young boy cried, his fiery red hair cut short..." should be reworded to make your point more effective. Rather than saying "the young boy cried," it would be much more advisable for the sentence to be worded "*a* young boy cried." This is because we do not yet know the character, thus making him no one important to us. Saying "a young boy" introduces the character better.
At the end of the sentence, where you say "...his fiery red hair cut short..." the statement in itself does not fit because it has nothing to do with what is going on at that particular point in the story. If you want your reader to know that the child has short hair, put in that his "short, fiery hair" was doing something such as blowing in the wind as he ran toward the Father.
Also, in that same paragraph, watch your grammar in the last sentence, second to last word. It should be "man's" rather than "mans."
Now to the story: *loses proffessional image and starts jumping up and down* WAY COOL! I really like the story line, it's classic yet not cliche.
So Mr. Shin is out for revenge agains the nobles who had slain his fellow orphans--you spelled that word wrong in the story--and his Father.
It seems to me that Shin must have been quite dedicated to his cause to be able to command troops as he did in the last portion of your first chapter. That is a good character trait, and having that trait will more than likely help you when you continue this story.
I am quite curious about what happened to Shen after he left the Ulberg Monastary and Enclave. Do you intend to tell that story?

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