Hello! I have just been out browsing FP.com and came across this story. I thought I'd leave you a review, since it's a shame you don't already have more! ^_^ Just one note: I like to be as helpful as possible in my reviews, and that means that I criticize. However, I never mean to offend, and you may ignore my suggestions if you wish!

[Dairin Gallhin slowly swept his head back and forth across the small Skylin outpost in the MERE distance,] ~ perhaps change that to "near?"

[He thought it might have been the black bladed three-foot long broad sword] ~ heh, tall man. I gave myself the giggles trying to imagine ME swinging something like that around.

Now this is weird, and I noticed it twice. [The guard's face was as smooth and hard as stone, his _expression changing to] ~ What's with the underscore before "expression?"

Here's a style suggestion, on something that I've found works very well for me. ^_^ When a character is thinking, rather than speaking, or rather the text being part of a narrative, put the thoughts in italics. It will help break up the monotony a bit, and be clearer for your readers.

[He was violently cut off as StormBeater reared up and threw Dairin off his back.] ~ LOL. That's what he gets for not paying attention!

Wow! I like Dairin so far, and that he's both hard and talks to his horse. The mystery of his world, since we don't know much yet, is very interesting, as well as the "voices" he hears. I must say, the comet/moon idea was completely unexpected by me, too! I shall return, someday (don't hold your breath), for chapter two.

ja ne!LoK

Very nice so far...only thing wrong with it is the words seem jumbled. Try inserting a new paragraph after each person speaks. It'd make it easier to read. All in all...you're a talented writer. Keep the updates coming, dude.