Hmm...jealousy, perhaps, was the cause of her overwhelming rage to cause revenge? Judging by the last paragraph of your piece, I think that she had the wrong person in her grasp. I got that idea when you mentioned, "In this quick defining blink of an eye I see- it's not him, and my world crushes."Anyways, fantastic job with a bit of spelling errors. Dark, and hauntingly beautiful.

Trinity

nice.

Ah, I was going to say this reminded me a lot of a poem by Carol Ann Duffy, which in fact was about Haversham, if slightly modernised. This is well written and has some good description and phrases - I particularly like "videos on fast play smoke back into my sight".

ah, i remember that haversham thing!very cool way to portray it!modern day and that... very, VERY ingenious!couldn't have done it better myslelf..but then again, anyone can do somethin better than me... :)oh well, WRITE ON!

This is the first thing I've read of yours ... it's good ... dark, powerful, grim, great imagery. I like it. I'll read the rest of your stuff when I have time. As you're such a nitpicky reviewer, I'd like you to read my story 'Layers of Lies' ... it takes a while to get going, but by Chapter 8 ... it starts to roll! I like the Dickens reference too ... yeah, good!

o...feistehgood work, great out mine

pudgy smile and stay awhile

for him to take everythingshe can't live without

(win me with your eyes, crush me with your touch)

lovely

i love the final paragraph. i love the imagery.

[Smoke clogs out from the house and I stare, wondering if I've killed him. Trying to find an ounce that cares.]

i *really* love that part. i can't say that i've ever reached that point in my life, but i can kind of relate on a smaller level.

great job.

as for my new fpress account, that's for my original fiction. i decided to split up my poetry/fiction into separate accounts so i can keep track of my favorite stories :P lol.

also, what was your penname before this one? i've been trying to figure it out but i can't remember :P

Hi! I like the stream-of-consciousness kind of feel to this. A lot of powerful imagery, really well written. As a one-shot it's great, but it would be a little overdone if it were much longer, so good choice there. There were a few typos here and there, just minor punctuation stuff.

Nicely written. Great work!

this is looking real good update soon ;)

ah, this is great. like i told u, that summary wasn't sh!tty. it's great...keep up the good work

My like. First I thought it was sex story, but then I wasn't sure... And yeah lol I likes. Liked the Haversham reference.