well...it sound pretty cool...

I really liked it. In my opinion, it was very interesting. The father and Lord Riwan really get on my nerves though, and I feel sorry for Legalassa. But that's what we're supposed to feel though, right? I can't wait for more!

I hate to say it, but MJH couldn't have been more right. Your story is so dry of character and description. What do all the characters look like? Are you trying to make some kind of political statement about medieval times, or something? I honestly have to say that the people who reviewed you and gave you good feedback have low standards. The characters are weak and contradictory, the events and character's thoughts are repetitive and (sorry) DULL! MJH has a definate point when she says that your characters are stereotypical. Add some life to the story.

As a side note, a lot of the names in your story (ie: Legalassa) are incredible hard to read.

Sorry to be one of the harsher critics in here. I expect the same from people who read my stories; after all, that's why I put my story on here.

~Eternal

this story is so beautiful! i like the way he is falling in love with her understanding, not her beauty

Hello again!
I'm the MJH poster. I've finally gotten an e-mail address and an account here; if you want rail away at me or investigate my credibility or do something of that nature, here's a place to start.

cool.

This is SO cool. I loved the fight scene at the end. Keep going, and reveal the plot soon.

Is the name intentionally like Legolas from Lord of the Rings? It's really good so far!

Lassa needs to get over it.
My grandparents have the best marriage i've seen or heard of and they were betrothed. She should give Riwan a chance.

It's really good, with some room for improvement...
The story is old and I know that you know that. Mediaeval betrothal, repressed royalty and even talking birds have all been done, a few times. But I know it's one of those stories ideas that is just fun to write, guilty pleasures.
I think as for the actual writing, you need to do a bit more work with scene development and pacing. Your talent in that area is actually better then a lot of the ones on fp.com. Pacing would just make anything you're building on better.
Also, people are more happy to read about events, action, something happening, not just a description. AGAIN, you aren't REALLY bad at it or anything.
There is a few more things, but they are small and you will/have already worked them out by the end of writing this story or your next.
Good luck with future ventures.

I hope Legalassa will escaped with Dasa because she can't married to Lord Riwan but she don't love him.
Hurry update son! I hope Legalassa will have adventure and go on journey to see the entire world.
I can't wait to see what happens next, hurry update soon. If you update soon, let me know.

This is going to be rather long, and most of it is going to be rather negative. Because of this, I would prefer to send my thoughts to you by e-mail (and I would do so if I could get access to an e-mail account). But, as matters stand at the moment, I do not have one, so please bear with me.

I looked at this story after reading your article on character development (2003-11-02). Your column has always been one of my favorites--every time I read one of your articles, I’m challenged to improve something in my writing. In this particular column, I especially appreciated your emphasis on avoiding cliches in character motivation.

I decided to read some of your stories to see more examples of how you had fleshed out this principle.

I read the first three chapters of "Threads of Twilight," and I absolutely loved them. The tone and description are darkly beautiful, the characters feel deep and original, and the setting is depicted so well that I can almost touch it. As soon as I finish the whole thing, I’ll write up a more detailed review of it. So far, it has been excellent, and I see no reason it should cease to be so.

"Legalassa," however, is another matter all together. I had rather high expectations, I suppose, after reading "Threads of Twilight." I expected more than the usual princess/peasant/forced marriage/arrogant knight/overdone cliched plot.

Please don’t take this as an all out attack on your writing. I’m saying a lot of this because I respect you as a writer--from your columns, I sense a desire to have believable, original characters and plots. I know that if I ever started to write a story like "Legalassa," I would want another writer to give me a wake-up call, and tell me to dredge up something a little better. From reading your articles and "Threads", I inferred that you were that kind of person as well.

Anyway—here my thoughts on this story.
_
1. Setting and Detail.
I have read stories with far too much description (bogging down the plot), but yours story goes to the opposite extreme. I am not necessarily referring to descriptions of places and things—though you could certainly use more of that. I’m more concerned about the cultural and social context of your story.

There is next to nothing in "Legalassa" concerning the cultural and social climate. This omission SERIOUSLY impairs an understanding of your plot and characters. Your characters act in a vacuum--I had no way of knowing what was "normal" in your culture, and exactly how far the characters were deviating from it. I was unable to judge the "rightness" or "radical-ness" of what your characters did. In the end, I was left scratching my head, saying "why is this action such a big deal?" "why does Legalassa want this?" "why does Dasa want to do that"

Basically, my mind was saying, "What are the customs and accepted standards of behavior in your kingdom? Please! Give me something to hold on to!"

This information does not have to be info-dumped--I’m sure you could find a creative way to integrate it. But, in some way, shape, or manner, it needs to be there.
Remedying this problem could go a long way towards fixing some my other concerns about the story. My next few points (2-3) are actually just a more detailed look at the problems caused by your lack of detail in this area.
_
2. Social class, peasants, knights, and training

"You know the penalty!" says Awins.

What penalty? Could we have been given some other indication before this about the knight-class’s view of the peasant-class? About the authority of the knight-class over the peasant-class? Can a knight kill a peasant whenever it suits him? Ought Dasa to have been a little more concerned or serious about his work--perhaps a little nervous that it wouldn’t be done in time? And, how does he know how to swordfight so well? It’s highly improbable that he could defeat a highly trained knight...unless he had expert training.
_

3. Arranged marriages, cultural context, and self-centered heroines (NOTE: Although I try not to give out information about my age and sex on this site, I think it merits mention in this case that I am a young woman).

"Four days later, Lassa would be dead but not burried. A shell will remain to do my duties. Four days later, a Lord's wife will arise in my stead, and she would be a phantom of me. Tomorrow, at twilight, when we set off to Haoidien, I will start dying," says Legalassa.
Later..."I can feel my blood aching for adventure. I can feel my heart bursting for a flow of free feelings. I can feel myself dying for freedom. I know I'm fading away. No, not my physical self, not my body, not my shell, but my soul, my spirit..."
And again..."I tried to convince myself that this is an adventure, but it isn't. In adventures you don't know what's going to happen next, but now I do. I know I'm going to be a wife and die. I know my world would be contained in the four stony walls of a castle. My joy beginning and ending with what little I can see from my window."

You show her very melodramatically pining away about her loss of freedom and the horribleness of this marriage. Ok. But you somehow lost my sympathy for her in the middle of all of that. I eventually just wanted to yell "GET OVER IT!"

What exactly is it about this marriage that she can't live with? Is it the fact that the marriage is forced? Is it the fact that becoming married results in a social status akin to enslavement in her culture? Is it the fact that Riwan is an evil person? Is it a combination of these?

Lets look at "forced marriage" angle.
What, really, is so horribly dreadful about the concept of an arranged marriage? Countless people lived with forced marriages before--and I presume that at least some people found fulfillment in them.

In one sense, Legalassa can be seen as a supremely selfish person. Does she ever think of anyone but herself? Arranged royal marriages were often to keep stability and promote alliances and peace between nations. Is this the case in your story? If the circumstances in any way touch on this matter, let her think about the repercussions of refusal. (Again, I need more cultural detail to work from).

Also--are arranged marriages customary in the culture you created? If so, she would have been brought up expecting such a lot in life. You’d better come up with a solid explanation for her counter-cultural behavior. Where did she get her pining for adventure? When did such a thing even occur to her as a possibility? (More cultural detail, please).

Now, the "marriage as enslavement" angle.
How bad will her lot really be, in your culture? You have given me nothing to work off of except Legalassa’s own subjective view of the matter. She sees herself as being "a shell" once she is married. She sees it as the end to her freedom. She sees it as the end of the world. Does this have any validity to it? What is the social status of a married woman? Of an upper class married woman? Can she study, read, write, teach, ride? Can she yield any influence, influence any government (even indirectly)? What is the power structure like in that country? Will she have any power at all? Can she manipulate anything? (MORE CULTURAL DETAIL, PLEASE!)

At the very least, it can’t be as bad as she’s making it out to be. Whatever her lot is, she need not be a mere “shell.” She’s giving up before the battle’s even started. She still has her imagination. She still has dreams. If she can do nothing else, she can write. She can study. She can covertly teach peasants and servants. Or she can try to use her new position as a Lord’s wife to influence government policy.

Personally, I wanted to slap her on the face and say "grow up!" Life doesn’t always turn out like we want it to. Life is not ideal. She’s tied herself to this ideal of adventure. If it’s truly impossible, she should move on. She should make do with what she has left, and find fulfillment in that. As it is, she’s pursuing the impossible, and sending herself into a downward spiral. I have no sympathy for her.

Now--Lord Riwan. You’ve not told us much about Lord Riwan--for all I know, he could be despising this marriage just as strongly, and wanting to remain independent and adventuring as well.
Why hasn’t she even given him a chance? She decided she hated him before she met him. And, the first time he speaks, he might actually be trying to spare her form going through an experience she obviously detests. Then he looks board. Could he be as upset about the marriage as he is? (Am I underestimating you? Were you planning on bringing this in later?)
Then again, the way he acts at the table with her father...
_

4. Cliched plot.
“Legalassa” is, in one sense, the last straw for me on this point. I’ve read so many princess/peasant/arranged marriage stories like it that I can’t take it anymore. Why doesn’t anyone ever throw a twist into the mixture? Why, for instance, does no one ever make the girl agree to the arranged marriage? (And perhaps eventually find fulfillment in that choice?) I think a plot such as this would prove far more interesting simply because its premise is so foreign to the modern mind. It would create a more believable protagonist--one who fought with conflicting loyalties, and eventually confronted her fate instead of running from it. (Ok--now that I think of it, I have found a couple stories that begin to take this tack, so I’m over-generalizing by saying “no one” does it).

Anyway—if you want to Legalassa to run off adventuring with Dasa, that can be made to work, too. Just PLEASE throw some kind of wrench into the story, so it isn’t so predictable.

The Dasa and Awins sword fighting scene was also terribly cliched--a wrench in that one wouldn’t have hurt. How about an un-arrogant knight, for instance? Or what about having the arrogant knight win? (As mentioned before, Dasa’s defeating him is highly improbable, given that he’s had no training.)
_

5. Your dismissal of court ladies as "puppets."

I’m not trying to bring up this issue of arranged marriages again, but I couldn’t let this characterization pass without comment.

Now, I know that as the author, you can give you characters any motivation you like, and make them as shallow as you like. But it’s still better to avoid cliches and stereotypical categories. How do you know that all the ladies are shallow and wooden? Maybe at least one of them has just as much longing for freedom as Legalassa does--but has been willing to sacrifice it. Why? Give these characters some depth--please! (If you’re going to bother mentioning them at all, why not? It would be a good wrench, at least...)
_

Those, I think, are all the main points I wanted to hit.
Thank you for bothering to listen to this--and please don’t take it personally. I love your other story, and I love your column. Maybe I’m wrong in my take on Legalassa, too--maybe you were heading somewhere with it that I didn’t anticipate. The third chapter seemed to be a bit less superficial in places. Dasa is bad with numbers, and has an "almost permanent slouch"; and the bit about Riwan fearing his mother is intriguing. I'd like to see where it goes.

Initial thoughts. Legalassa comes across as a little bit whiney and irritating. Perhaps it's my died in the wool leftist upbringing, but I can never abide overprivilaged characters who moan about the burdens of being rich and powerful. Of course if you intend her to come across this way then that's fine, but if not you might want to make her a bit less self-centred-sounding. As it stands she seems to be surrounded by beauty and comfort and she doesn't even remotely appreciate it.

Take the first line - "I sighed as I watched the Autumn leaves drift into the fountain. The rhythmic rise and fall of the captive water only reminded me of my own lack of freedom." - At the moment this line suggests to me that Legalassa looks at a thing (in this case a fountain) and sees it only in terms of herself, which is (IMO) supremely selfish and annoying.

Dasa vs the Knight - first thing to note, you're firmly pinning your colours to the swashbuckling mast here, not that this is a problem.

All three of the characters you have here are teetering on the border of being being cliches, and you will need to develop the characters a bit more to stop them looking like Fantasy Heroine #4, Fantasy Hero #7 and Arrogant Knight #1(a)

OK! VERY GOOD!
Try reading my story. It's also about action and adventure. My story sounds a bit like yours. But it's about an enchantress. There a lotsa stuffs in my story. From pirates to samurais. from witches to elves. 6 characters, 6 backrounds and 6 personalities all, (each have a tale of her/his own) in one story. An epic. 17th century style.

Reminds me of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Very good indeed!!