Reviews for Adege's Hidden Past

Reviews For: Adege's Hidden Past - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Shyanne Kai 2006-05-21 ch 5,	abuseYaY, you updated! Great character development.
Joelle Duran 2006-05-08 ch 5,	abuseFirst off, I'm delighted (and flattered) I helped inspire you to write more. Never expected to see anything so quickly! Again, I am impressed by how well-realized these two sisters are. It's so easy to 'get in their skin' with them as a reader. Very well done! Though yes, I do agree with rrmehta364 that Adege should be hurting more from the beating she took--at least the way you described it in the previous chapter made it appear some real damage was done (not the hospital sort, but not just a fading welt either). Otherwise, wonderful. Adege's prayer is absolutely priceless. =) Only spotted one slip:"It felt almost as good as hitting her mother would feel, so Tzena thumped the door a second time. "Go away!End quotes missing. Thanks for writing more!
rrmehta364 2006-05-07 ch 5,	abuseFirst, I think Adege would be a little more hurt than she was from being hit with a pot. Oh, I like the mothers response. It seems realistic. She also seems to have a hangover which a lot of writers seem to forget about. Well, I like Adege and Tzena a lot and I think the parents are characterized well. Neither of them are perfect or evil, though leaning towards the bad side which is a believable enough place. Well, I think that's all.
rrmehta364 2006-05-07 ch 4,	abuseI had a moderately long review, but it got eaten. Anyways, as always, an excellent chapter. I really think you did a good job giving depth to both parents, and not falling into the goodparent/evil parent trap. Oh, and the slurred speach sounded a little off the way it was typed. I can't really explai nit, but it just didn't seem right. Well, that's all.
rrmehta364 2006-05-07 ch 3,	abuse"I’m SO bored!”" : I don't like the cap locks. I guess the reason is the same as the multiple punctuation. I, especially since you write as well as most published people, can convince myself I'm reading something from the bookstore until I see something else. Aw...I feel bad for Adege, especially because she'll be in trouble. I really like the interactions of the family. As always, looking forward to reading more. -peace out.
rrmehta364 2006-05-06 ch 2,	abuse"But over four hundred years ago, the Founders of the Continuum had begun carving out and improving upon such a cavern." : Really nitpicky here, but it should probably be caverns because you were referring to multiple caverns in the paragraph before. I was momentarily confused. Oh, I just realized something. While rereading some Anne McCaffrey, I noticed some of the names were the same, or simillar sounding. It doesn't really bother me, but I think its something you should watch out. Wait, I was under the impression that Wehrs were secret things. If so, how could they have nuclear plants. Wouldn't someone notice the waste, and I imagine sattelites and stuff would be really looking for stuff like that. Well, on the other hand, I'm sure there are ways of keeping a secret. "augmented with dulled light from less natural sources," : Real technical again, but I think the light would be just dull, because nothing 'dulled' it. Aw...I feel bad for Adege. "“Oh, that,” replied Adege arrogantly." : I think I hear the tone you're trying to give Adege, but I don't know if arrogant is the word. Then again, I don't quite know the word to use either. Good, Adege won't angst to herself. I know this sounds sort of cruel, but it annoys me when characters complain to themselves a lot, even when they have good reason to. I liked the end conversation. Normally I don't like interaction that doesn't directly effect the plot, but I liked the bits so far. It very well written. As always, looking forward to reading more. -peace out.
rrmehta364 2006-05-05 ch 1,	abuseThe names are really, really hard to say. Not only because of the apostrophes, but because I don't think you can say some of the things I'm trying to say. "Lake Kergesund took up the entire bottom level of the cave complex, and was fed primarily by melting glacier ice far above the topmost level of Sudern." : That sentence just seemed to come from nowhere. This is me being especially nitpicky, but maybe make it into a seperate paragraph, or somehow segway (I hope I spelled the right) into it. I like how you always write in voice. Sounds sort of like a seven year old, and not some random omniscient narrator. "‘Tzena’, like everyone else?!”" : I don't like multiple punnctuation marks under any circumstances. "so she never even noticed him." : I think it should be didn't instead of never. Be careful about making parents evil. Its rare that they're actually that bad. Anyways, the father does seem to have something behind him so I can't say much yet, but still something to be careful about. Well, interesting beginning. As always looking forward to reading more. -peace out.
Joelle Duran 2006-05-03 ch 4,	abusePoor, poor Adege--that's a really heartbreaking chapter. You convey her hurt, terror, and anguish very, very well. Don't really have any other comments--the action and emotion comes through strongly. It's been a while since you updated, so I don't know if you plan to continue this or not. I am curious what becomes of these two sisters, and what sobriety brings in the morning.
Joelle Duran 2006-05-03 ch 3,	abuseWell, I certainly understand Tzena's 'desertion' at the end of this chapter--as Adege's continual flouting of the rules could drag her into trouble too, like in chapter 1. You convey Adege's energy and stubborness very well. "Adege had snuck out to watch the movie from the behind kitchen counter and had not heard their parents approaching" Words out of order--should be 'behind the kitchen counter.' "What the hell are you still doin’ awake, you stupid kid?!"Just pointing out the undesirable '?!' again. =) Fast-moving chapter here, I've a feeling of dread over what's coming...
Joelle Duran 2006-05-02 ch 2,	abuseI enjoyed this chapter quite a bit. =) Now that the story is underway, the 'infodump' about the caverns was quite interesting--I like the details you give about the society, energy-production and the like. I am curious what they grow, and how bright their artificial lighting has to be, etc. Looking forward to more of such worldbuilding details here or in another tale. The injustice of poor Adege's plight comes through, as does her straightforward childlike thinking--I feel you convey the ages of both of them very well. Just loved the 'spelling words' bit and the irrigation/irritation confusion--it felt very true-to-life and makes it easy to connect with the girls. "It was hard enough to keep up with her older sister as was, with a seven year age gap." I think you meant to say 'keep up with her older sister as it was.' Great chapter!
Joelle Duran 2006-05-02 ch 1,	abuseFinally made it back over here again. =P The three family members shown thus far come through strong and clear for me. Both the daughters feel quite sympathetic and 'human,' whereas the father gives me a strong smacking urge--good thing, it means you're getting me as reader engaged in the story. It's personal preference in part--I'm just not one for long descriptive passages to begin with--but I find the long 'history of the lake/cavern' bit at the beginning a bit dull. As a reader, I didn't get 'hooked' until the dad showed up, and that was at the end. The lake might be important to the community, but there doesn't seem to be any immediate connection to the plot, aside from serving as setting. Only one small pick leapt out at me:"Adege, for the zillionth time, can’t you just call me ‘Tzena’, like everyone else?!" Using '?!' is bad, bad, bad for 'professional' writing. Leave it at the chat-boards. ;) Best to remove the exclamation point and use either speaker attribution or italics to add the additional needed emphasis. Hope to make it back over for more soon!
Islandbreeze 2005-06-20 ch 4,	abuseWell, at least tzena has redemed herself a little, and the mom is so unpredictable, why did she fly off the handle? This is all setting up a good past and nice character development, it could be developed more though, with a bit more plot line. Still, only the fourth chapter and it is very nice so far. Thank you for your review on my story btw, very appreciated.
Islandbreeze 2005-06-20 ch 3,	abuseWell that was sort of mean sisterly behavior, but hopefully Adege won't be punished too severly, the dad seems so unfair and it doesn't look like any other family members are going to be much help either. nice chapter
Islandbreeze 2005-06-20 ch 2,	abuseHm, what a nice conversation for a sister to have to give. I like all the characters-is the mom bitter about Adege causing her so many troubles or is she fearful of the dad as well? I don't really get much feeling for Tzena as a character, but it is only the second chapter, nice descriptions.
Islandbreeze 2005-06-20 ch 1,	abuseInteresting look into character here-why does the father 'favor' the other daughter? A nice start, how would you pronounce 'K'cintzena'?

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