Reviews for Broken Barrier - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Broken Barrier - Reviews: Page 1 of 6

Alteng 2006-02-22 ch 15,	Well, I have gotten through your last chapter. I didn't find any technical errors again, but I am getting to that tired point again. I agree with Corsus on Gari having truth spells, but I think being able to cast one, a being should know how to do the opposite, and the truth could be useful to a thief. Ah, it would have been just easier to kill her and summon her ghost back, but that wouldn't have been very nice. What kind of a name is Green Barrow for an inn. Oh well, I have had some good names for such in the past.
Alteng 2006-02-22 ch 14,	I didn't catch any mistakes this time around. I do better at 1AM. Anyway, to the chapter. What are they planning to do once they get the bird? Kill her? Just curious. Cavare seems like a sweet little naive thing. She is playing an interesting part of an intrigue. And Gari might not be a murderer, but you never know about Greft.
Alteng 2006-02-22 ch 13,	Okay, one more technical error for you: "Corsus had never considered himself a country boy— and witch good reason" You mean "with" not "witch". Ah, Muspella has something for everyone. (Well, except Greft and Tyrant.) Hey, how oculd you not like Gari, exspecially when he notices dancers in the streets, and I can see Corsus interested in the ruins . . . there is a long story with that one, too, but it makes a nice contrast. I guess the guys are all looking for something a little deader, so to speak.
Alteng 2006-02-22 ch 12,	Okay, I picked up one technical mistake. "He turned to Greft, who was watching to proceedings with a cocked head in silence" I think you mean "the proceedings" instead of "to". And I see you use "cocked" too. My gramamr check, which I often find wrong, says that is an obscenity! Tsk! Tsk! Okay, the thing with Geffin/ Gari is alright and does explain a lot. This is used often in stories. A god moves among the mortals as one of them, and I can see where chaos could engulf him. The thing about putting one's hand in the portal, I've seen that in a couple of horror flicks, too. I think it is a freaky bit, but I like it.
Alteng 2006-02-22 ch 11,	I am late to this year old story, but I did review the previous chapter. Anyway, I had two mistakes that I found. One of them is: "The little thief shrugged, patting Tyrants mane" It should be 'Tyrant's' . . . Geffin certainly hopes that there aren't two of them!! "The Guardian of the Battlefield patrols this area, and when people see him, their supposed to remember." The 'their' should be 'they're'. Okay, for the technical difficulties. So, having a necromancer a bit nervous of Guardian ghosts, is that as good as an undead necromancer terrified of rats?? I liked that. It does make the fellow a bit more human. Good ole Greft. I like that he is suspicious. Thieves are an untrustworthy bunch as a rule, but maybe Geffin is just a little weird. I also like how you continue that relationship between Greft and Calica. I see my dogs and cats act that wahy. The cats like Jack better.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 10,	Only one technical problem this time. “Anyone who doesn’t eventually pushes things to far, The 'to' should be 'too'. Interesting things are indeed afoot. I thought that Corsus had done enough to break the barrier, so why is there another body in the Secret Realm, I wonder. And indeed, Greft has more to tell. it is hoard to get a whole history out at once!
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 9,	My only technical difficulty this time around is a line towards the end. 'She disappeared into the shadows, every picture a cat, as if she hadn’t just been ordered to leave the conversation alone.' I don't quite get what you mean . . . I sort of, but the sentence is rather awakward for the mind to read. You know cats well . . . "I leave because I have things to attend to and not because you want me to." Calica needs to be licking her butt somewhere along the line, mind you. I think I did that to Kelly, and the guys made a remark to the effect "Do you have to do that in public?" I like the first line about being sure that the horse was appropiated on honest terms. I could see that. Ah, and because Geffin can talk to animals, doesn't mean he can get along with them. The remark about Sherrim did explain a question I was wondering about him. I was wondering what god he was.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 8,	Okay, as before mentioned, I am more aware at this hour, and I have found typos! Someday, I will correct my own! First off, "The mat shuddered at the suggestion" Forgot your 'e', but of course, I like the thought of the mat doing someting like shuddering. "thing are farther along than I thought, Calica commented thoughtfully, tail swishing." I think that is 'things'. You need a plural subject there. "though you’re not the only one who like him" I think you need a 'would' between who and like. The sentence is subjuntive. "Use formalities and I give you a reason not" I think the second half shoul be in the future tense, because she hasn't yet . . . you need a 'will' in there. "Calica didn’t usually speak in body language ad mewing" lost your 'n' in and. Okay, now all the technicalities done, as for the chapter. I like the bit about the sailor telling Corsus about talking to the cat. And Calica should have brought the rat to Corsus as a love offering. A head for me, and a tail for you . . . Corsus needs to wear something other than black robes, mind you, unless he absolutely have to. If you have a uniform for work, you do not usually wear it out for casual wear, and our little necromancer friend is going into a dangerous situation for one of his ilk. Hey, I know all about those favorite characters that have been around forever . . . reason for the penname, mind you.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 7,	Cats are so cool, mind you. Poor Calica, she has human scent on her. The interview with Derio was rather useless, but I could see where Corsus would try this first. I have the feeling that he would have to go to Muspellia. It is strange indeed how some people try to hide from where they are from, but I have been there and done that, too. So, do I dare ask about Meera??
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 6,	I am a little more awake at this hour, so I am a little better reviewer. A little grammarcal error for you ( and don't mind my spelling) In the line: If neither Mala or Maledicus is our thief, than it was probably a mortal. Than should be then . . . it is a if/then. I like that Corsus is a sympathtic necromancer. That is rather a different view indeed, even I haven't done that. Still, I think that you need to show some kind of regret in Corsus instead of just saying that he regreted it. He needs to sigh or frown or feel heavy or what not about the spell that sends him back. I like the way Greft is becoming a father figure to Corsus. It does make their relationship interesting. I also like Maledicus' relationship with Mala. Hye, even the villain needs a good point.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 5,	Okay, the third shifter is getting tired and wants to go to bed. So, this will be the last chapter read for a few hours. Poor Corsus! He has had to flip off two ghosts with his power so drained and the headache to boot. If you read far enough into "The Bane of Rendsberg", I have a ghost in that one, too, and he is permantly confused, but it isn't because he's dead! Long story. I would think that the ghost sensing bit would be a natural thing for anyone with any kind of magic. It is something out of the ordinary, but what do I know. And I understand the thing about the mythology of Corvair thingie. I have done quite a bit of that in my stories as well . . . ie, the Prologue for the Bane of Rendberg . . . There are others, too.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 4,	The relationship between Greft and Corsus is getting kind of cute. I was wating for Corsus to start petting the dog. As far as midnight is concerned . . . you mentioned in the prologue about necromancers mucking about in the dark and it was conductive to their special talents. Midnight is a nothing hour, if you are a nocturnal critter to begin with. I used to stay up till midnight before I went to that 3rd shift thing . . . actually, I was up until 3AM.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 3,	Well, since i am sitting here after work at 8:45 in the morning, I am not likely to catch any real mistakes. As far as the chapter goes, I would figure that the library would be a good place for Corsus to start. And as a wizard, I would think that waking up in the clothes that he wore the day before would be a big nothing to him . . . working late in the night and waht not. the same thing about going on and about town without changing. I have done that far too odten myself . . . plus go to the store in my houseshoes. As far as the information goes . . . well, it just retells what Greft told Corsus earlier. If Greft can bend time as such, is he still gone for a fraction of a second, or does he overlap himself sometimes. And as far as how big the Realm of Secrets is, hey it could take up one little tiny spot no bigger than a speck of dust. Greft is a god after all, and if he bends time, what is bending space . . . it is called Dimensionally transcendentalism, dear. The old gods, eh. Do they have tenacles, and one of them is lying sleeping in Ry'leh?
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 2,	So, your necromancer is a blonde 25 year old! I thought I was the only one that tried to break that stereo type. My necromancer in the Purple Unicorn and Galen story, used to be a blonde 27 year old. He's a little on the undead side nowadays! Anyway, I love your description of Greft. He almost sounds like a loveable dog. I like how you have dropped all the names of the gods of the pantheon into this story, and Corsus is a partier, eh! Oh well, there is more to life than death and destruction. Oh, and by the way, I wanted to mention for the previous chapter, a little comment. I would think that the soul of a condemned soul would be easier to summon. It seems that ghosts are usually of the cursed sort, you know, and they have a none too nice disposition. Of course, your assassin could well be one of those that really was not evil enough and powerful enough to break free of such confines. Anyway, hey, it is your story, and I accept your rules.
Alteng 2006-02-21 ch 1,	Sorry, it took so long to review. Iwas in the major writing mode, and I think I was sick there for about a week. I am reading this, becaue if there was such things as wizardry in this world, I would most likely be a necromancer . . . trust me, I am morbid enough. I like your descriptions of the way the spells work. I did that once in a couple of stories. I think it adds a lot of flavor to it. So, I take it that Corsus didn't exactly choose to become a necromancer. That makes for an interesting piece in and of itself. I think I have a couple of those running amuck too. One of them is Shadowmance, and he accepted his work with grace, and it just he is too intersted in grooming for such a job . .. I am digressing. I liked the description about the place in which Corsus is searching for his spell, and I really like the cursing bit.

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