Well, you've lost me.

'"You sicked them on us!" Archer called back with righteous anger.' Again with the colloquial language for people who spoke other languages first!

There are some good ideas in there.

But I am actually pretty lost.

What happened to the paragraphs? You might want to fix that.

Names; I'm thinking that Brecan and Bregdan's names are way too similar, I'm going to get confused.

'he said through his thoughts.' Makes no sense at all. There were a couple of those phrases... went completely over my head.

A couple of comments;

First of all; names; is it really suitable to call them things like 'Archer' and 'Satyr'? Especially if you've got a unicorn called Bregdan.

Also; Language; the way the king speaks in a language that he confesses to not be his usual one is very colloquial, using the word 'great' for example. As a non-english speaker learning english he probably would have used the word 'good'. And Pike uses the word 'ornery'... I needed to get a dictionary to find out what it means. A couple of things that you as the writer need to think about is a) what language will the audience understand? and b) what language would the character use?

First of all; very well written, I like how you've balanced the events and the character's confusion. It also seems quite dreamlike and surreal to the reader. The speed at which the events are happening seems a little fast, but that could just be me.

There's probably no point giving you suggestions for later chapters as this is not a work in progress, so I'll continue to read for a bit.

I clicked, I read, I approved. Pretty cool story, though Dirge for a Necromancer seems far more interesting. Stopped reading DfaN and read this when I got to the "Pike" chapter. And that was my Friday. Thanks for entertaining me.
What a curious universe, this Zylx thing is. Humans being on bottom of the food chain is an interesting deviation from the typical Tolkien rip-off. But the food chain seems to be constituted mostly of predators and very little else, like... cows, or something else to be the bread and butter for all these dragons, vampires, wolves, gryphons, etc.
On the subject of forgiveness vs. justice, or any other ethical matter (postulating for the sake of argument that there is such thing as ethical right or wrong): Go with Bentham's felicific calculus, every time. To someplace hot with what everyone else says.

Favourite quote: “You shouldn’t hold these things inside, friend,” I could feel that creepy smile on my back. “Eventually they eat their way out, and then it’s very unpleasant and usually fatal.”
Wisdom and macabre humour in one neat package. Very cool.

That was depressing. I'm in keyboarding right now! ^_^ You see how much your literature means to me? Alot if I'm visiting during school hours.

I like this chapter the best. As for my favourite race? Vampires! Squee!

*squee* You may have had to threaten me... but seeing a pass-off of Mika was atually quite amusing. __

Great story. Da- Grigori is the way I'm best known. Wonderful! Addicting plot. Good luck with it, tavarishch.

I love the emotions used in the story. Very intriguing. DO finish soon, and try to read my story, 'Lost in a Dream.'

Very nice. Inovating dialouge, sharp wit and mesmerising mistique. I very much enjoy this story- it's quite a page-turner. Keep going!

*pulls Ashley aside* Alright- Vishnitt? Can you explain that for me. I'm quite offended that Lord Vishnu had his name so brashly insulted! I'm kidding. The story's wonderful, but you need to keep an eye out for those grammatical errors. I think that's the only thing I spotted that was out-of-place. I liked it alot... yes... *smacks Dante for thinking he can sense the aura of a swordsman* You'll have to explain that better- the aura is a color... explaining aggresiveness, fearfullness, lustfullness, et cetera, et cetera. I suppose the aura of a swordsma would be mixed, giving Dante more Perception and stronger build of character than I do believe you intended... just a wiccan's note, take no heed...

It was awesome... horizen=horizonforeget=forgetSOrry- I like being a little complaining corpse f*, and you know that. No- not you, Raetonus knows. O.o. Anyways, brilliance, pure brilliance. Write more

Even though I dont normally like !st person stories, I thought that this one was v good. Lots of places where u could expand. Get writing, why dont u!?!?! :) (im a nice person, really.)