 Anonymouse 2004-09-20 . chapter 3 An elaborate, victorian murder-mystery. Not something to appear very often on fictionpress. I can safely say that I'm impressed by your choice of style.
Now, you asked for a review, so I'll do my best to phrase one:
-First of all, I found your use of scandal in the second chapter to be exceptionally effective. There's something about the lock-step, hidebound victorian error that invites all manner of lurid suppositions. You might even want to consider moving that scandal to the prologue as a way of snaring passing readers. It might degrade the overall quality of your story, so you should be careful, but it makes for a very distinct beginning.
-The second issue to address is your choice of images. Some of your phrases are undeniably beautiful: "only the white stars on the sky's canopy and tendrils of gray cloud creeping to strangle the moon's white glory." Others feel slightly off, as if they were written with a thesaurus. There is nothing wrong with using sophisticated words in you story (in fact, most literature can't survive without them) but you should be sure that you're familiar with words before you use them. A thesaurus is only useful when you've forgotten a synonym and need a brief reminder.
-The third, and final, topic to be addressed in this story is the pace of your story. There are a few short jumps in time between the first, second and third chapters. Although these do not pose a major problem, they do serve to disorrient the reader a little. It might be better for the flow of your story to simply change the order around a little. Besides this, however, your story is excellent. I would like to read more. |