Intriguing...

In just a few short paragraphs you've set up a tale that, if continued in the same manner, could become a breathtaking epic. We've been given a brief, bitter taste of this apocalyptic world and while intergalactic warfare is not a new subject, the intimacy found in this first chapter makes the story something unique. Please continue.

Competently written, but the first couple of paragraphs seem a little unclear whether they're trying to be dramatic or humourous. You've doon a good job of conveying the atmosphere towards the end.