Reviews for Retribution in a new Form

Kvampyr
2004-10-31
ch 1, anon.

abuseto be truthfull i dont normally read alot but ur stories have had me hooked to the end, for ur age ur very talented, pls keep up the good work, lookin forward to readin more.

Daniel Rand
2004-10-10
ch 1,

abuseThis story certainly has plenty of potential. I will try to be as detailed as possible in my review without spoiling the story for others. As a first or second draft I feel it could use some work in a few areas. One of the first things I noticed was frequent sentence fragments, missing question marks at the end of sentences, repetition "runs her fingers up his shirt ... unbuttoning his shirt ... pulls his shirt ... so his shirt...". The first few pages of the story don't have any formatted dialogue, but the rest of the story is fine in that area. There are also a few correctly spelled "misspells", ie, the use of Were in place of Where (some spellcheckers do not test grammar usage).
While reading, I had a difficult time coming to understand the main character, and her relationships. When we first meet her, the story reflects her life, completely devoid of emotion, and empty. When she speaks to characters, there is very little feeling and the speech feels unnatural. The antagonist seems to have more personality than the protagonist; personally I would have liked to have seen more character development in the main character (possibly more variety of emotions, if it fits within her profile.)
In regards to the author's style for this particular story, I feel that, although the main character suffers trauma which leaves her without emotion, I think it was overdone. If the character does not have a sense of purpose, or even any feelings at all (I did keep in mind that the subject matter revolved around "tragedy/horror") things may become confusing for the reader as events progress. As far as the plot goes, it is relatively sound in terms of events, although I feel that more descriptiveness in terms of environment, characters, clothing, emotions, will help offset the main character's "bleakness".
The piece is a tragic tale (which I feel the author was successful in achieving some of the desired affect), and with some more thoughtful work, I think it will come to fruition and definitely stand out from the rest.

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