'Tag took in a deep breath, and looked up at Aerseth. "Where... in the seven hells... are we?"

Aerseth gave her a strange look. "Earth, stupid."'

You're doing this far better than most people do, and I give quadrouple commendations for that. Most people don't get across how disjointed and disturbing it is to suddenly wake up in some new and bizarre place with no idea of what's going on or why. With Tag you make it look like she might well have lost her mind. It's not actually clear that she's gone somewhere else at all. Was it a dream? You place the doubt in the reader's mind. That's BRILLIANT writing. In fact that's what you're supposed to do with this kind of thing. If you don't make the reader feel it they won't gel; and if the reader doesn't feel it, whatever else you want to do won't work.

Congrats.

'"I was put out here in punishment, dear. One must not be loud in a place of torture."'

And the brilliance continues. It's clearly out of place dialogue, that or he's one of those kids who likes to talk in a weird manner (I do that). Or is he someone else in a different body...

'He reached up to touch her forehead, and Tag stumbled backwards, shocked. Surely he should know that was a personal attack on a person's magic. little brat!'

Great touch. Shows a bit about where she came from and who she is while also furthering the sense of bewilderment and confusion you've created.

Not much else to say. The story just keeps getting better and better! Legitimately this is one of the best things I've read on Fictionpress.

Hmm. Must read your other stories and find something to be more critical about... :)


Please R & R my stories!

'"Oh really?" Tag asked sarcastically. "On who, pray tell?"

"Her." Aerseth nodded towards one of the older serving maids, who looked to be in her late teens. Currently, the girl was giggling as she served meals to the knight and his men.'

Just a quick note to say that this is really very good so far! This in particular is done very well. The timing on written comedy is absolutely vital and so very hard to get right. But you hit the nail on the head several times. Hats off, and I don't even have one.

'most people hardly suspected that the Crown Prince Jakian's head mage was a lazy seventeen year old. '

O, no. I don't think this was very wise at all. You've got a great chance to just string this out and build mystery for the reader. You've got a good character in Tag, someone we want to wonder about, so make us wonder. Absolutely don't give the game away until someone either recognises her or its just the right atmosphere or time to unveil it. Definitely don't do it as an aside comment. This is a big deal, after all, and the later it comes, after seeing what she's like, the bigger a deal it'll be.

Or at least that's my opinion.

'"Tagaerth?" Aerseth had heard the name before, and it too associated unpleasant things in his mind. Frowning, he watched Tag's face closely, noting the underlying displeasure in her false smile.'

Speak of the devil. Here's the time to hint or reveal it completely. I'd delete the earlier mention.

Otherwise, fantastic!



Please R & R my stories!

Weird but funny.

:) CD

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it when people from other times/worlds come to this day and age! (laughs wildly) But yeah. Good story so far. Update ASAP? Please?

*giggles maniacly* mwa ha ha ha!that was so funny...h..he...he..HATES ME! hehe

More! More! More!

...anyway, when did you claim Darcy & Knightley?!!?! They're mine! you can have all the anmie characters and movie actors you want, and even the HP and LOTR characters, but Darcy is mine. And Knightley too. But especially Darcy. (I love Jane Austen's books!!)...yeah... about the story. in One word: Random hmm. yeah! you're writing again! (now onto the critique... (hehe)) Okay, you need to get more names out in the first chapter (you know, there's the boy, the girl, and the man that just walked in who she hates; and when the last guy mensioned shows up in ch.2, I don't know who the heck it is, because you just say 'the boy') Lastly... Please could you write more chapters?

Not bad! Update soon!

Sounds pretty interesting. ^^ So interesting, in fact, that if you update soon I'll leave you ANOTHER review! No, seriously. This sounds really good so far. Please update soon!

O! I love it!
Dusk