So over-grand and...sinewy. Tough, like rank meat. Not saying that rank meat is bad, necessarily, just incredibly pungent and...tough. Possibly unnecessarily.
...And now that you're thoroughly confused. x-x Um, v. v. ANGSTY. It's shouting it with the cliches and the ramblings and the lack of connectiveness and cold view of the world. Not necessarily bad, but this seemed more like a "let it all out" type style of writing. Correct me if I'm wrong.
~Arii .__o

So well written. I love this!
Keep writing!
-Anna.