FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Huntington 2004-11-06 ch 1,  | abuseOne word, m'dear, one word: research. The prose is not terribly bad, but there are plenty of mistakes that could have been easily avoided and detract from the quality of your writing. Punctuation, I noticed, was incorrectly used. Proofreading your story is an important step in putting up your work for others to see. A simple spell-check is not enough; I see a were/where mix-up in your last sentence. The name "Lola" is of Spanish origin; it has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, Arabic, or the Palestinians. I would suggest Googling for a Muslim baby name site and finding an appropriate name for a Palestinian girl. Other minor details, such as the fact that there are no swans, blue jays, or blueberries in the Middle-east, also detract from your story. These are factual errors. These show that you do not know the area you are writing about well and that you did not care enough to bother researching. Research, research, RESEARCH. Huntington |
| Haru Kinome 2004-11-05 ch 1, | abuseAh! Rysil-chan, that's really, really good! Except for the little part in the beginning where it said 'I now present A Clear Blue Sky', it was good. I'm guessing you're reading this outloud at school...? Anyways, I liked the ending. Good story; me likies lots! Keep going with your writing! |