Ancamna
2004-11-24
ch 1,  | abuseAre you trying to give me a heart attack? All those paragraphs and i have to count them all! JK, I love long chappies.p1: 1st sentence, try changing the second comma to a period. The sentence is really long, so you lose the idea of first half when you get to the second half.p2: according to your first sentence the year before last was more tolerant than last year. 2nd s(sentence), the second part seems to contradict the first part. 3s, change 2nd comma to a dash.p3: the second half of the first sentence is awkward. s8, put a period after 'for ourselves', delete 'where' and capitalize 'a', or something to that effect. s9, change 'we can't legally be' to 'legally, we can't be'.p4: is the name of the city 'new city'? or is that just what's it's called? b/c if it's the name, there shouldn't be a 'the' in front of it.p5: s8, this sentence is confusing, you have too much info in it.p40: did you purposely have the attorney change Ms. Harrison's description? B/c I like it. It subtly shows how humans discriminate against demons.p43: s1, change 'people in the present' to 'people present'. s2, change 'silencing' to 'silenced'.p45: s4, change 'looked slowly up' to 'looked up slowly'.p55: s3, this sentence is awkward b/c you squish the description of what she looks like in with the description of her action.p63: s3, change 'hands' to hand'.p66: s2, delete 'and lifted her head'.p68: s5, change 'found my right' to 'found her right'.p78: s2, delete 2nd 'already'.p79: the phrase is normally 'at all', not 'for all', though you can keep it if you like. p90: change first comma to period.p91: within the parenthasis, delete second comma.p93: s1, confusing end to the sentence, it sounds like the rain is warm and safe. s5, change' suffering the' to 'suffering from the'.p94: last sentence is confusing - fuel his subconscious with the feeling? How does feeling cold help?p95: change 'life here' to 'life there' or change it in the next sentence.p96: s4, put a period after'state of surprise', b/c you lose the surprised feeling within the second half of the sentence. s6, if you want to explain at the end of the sentence where the person was standing then you need a couple of commas.p99: s4, change 'Masked' to lower case. Change 'took it' to 'shook it', otherwise it sounds like he took something from the man, instead of shaking his hand.p101: s1 delete 'from the ... opened it'. You don't need to explain that he saw them through the window - how else would he see them, and the other part is just a typo.p106: last sentence seems to contradict itself - if you keep it, add a comma after 'however'. p118: s11, 'fondly patted out', huh?p119: s2, change 'got into a crouch' to 'crouched'.p124: last sentence is awkward, maybe delete 'to...elbow'.p125: delete 1st comma. s4, really long sentence, also change 'in those times' to 'in these times' - unless he's telling the story from some point in the future.p127: delete last word.p128: for once, I think you should make your sentence longer, what a thought is that? ^_^ delete period and change 'she' to 'and'.p150: I don't really understand the last 2 sentences.p161: you call Donovan 'he' in the narrative instead of 'I'.p168: change 'my own' to 'mine' or to 'my own illness'.Last sentence: change 'lead' to 'led'.This is a great story! I love it! It really shows the cruelty of discrimination. I think writing the story in first person is really good (then again, I like writing in first person, though not as much reading it). I think writing the rest in 3rd person might interupt the flow, but I'll see when it comes out. Hm... last names. I think Aideen's is pretty good, but if you want another one how about Firawen, or for something more 'normal' Freesmith.Really great story! ^_^ |
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