Reviews for Draiks and Angels

Reviews For: Draiks and Angels - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

iamthedave 2007-09-02 ch 5,	abuse-She looked in and saw the huge tub was empty. Lots of 'she' starts and very perfunctory description of where she's looking. Focusing more on the emotions she feels and the memories that are invoked as she looks around would strengthen this section considerably, I feel. -A swimming pool! That would be greatly strengthened if you focused on various memories and eventually moved through to a swimming memory, from which she extracts the answer. -Her lungs screamed for air, but she was going too slow Swimming pools aren't THAT deep. You certainly haven't given the impression that its that deep. An olympic sized swimming pool is just deep enough that someone coming off a diving board has no chance of killing themselves, but you can clearly see they reach the bottom on a dive. So I'd definitely say you change this or clarify how deep this is. Other than that, its not bad at all. But don't forget to work in other senses. You focus on actions, rarely bring in scent, touch, that kind of thing. You'll bring the world much more to life if you consider these things. Yes. Indeed. Hope you keep up with R & Ring my stories.
HarmonyIsarine 2007-02-05 ch 12,	abuseI like the direction this is heading, but it seemed to go very fast. They met, they left, and they're already fighting together? Otherwise, very good. ^_^ I eagerly await the next chapter.
iamthedave 2007-02-04 ch 4,	abuse"She knew the ex-servants wouldn’t tell anyone about her wings, mostly because before her father died, he made them promise not to say anything. They all loved her father and would never break their promise to him." I'd say not to include this. Focus on the now instead of the yesterday, create the atmosphere of what the place has become. I doubt many readers will wonder why the servants haven't told about her and those who do will likely rationalize it as this. As a rule of thumb I'd say only explain what you think must be explained or risk clashing with the reader's understanding of something. "Cona read over the riddle several times, but it made no sense to her. She did recognize a few things, like the Angel Place, but she couldn’t remember exactly what it was. Her father would always give her lots of hints to help her with his riddles because they were so hard" Uhn. I don't think this is good. The riddle sounds extremely forthright to me, it's basically a set of instructions set to a sing-song rhyme. She ought to be pretty sure of an interpretation, and where to start. "The first room on the right of the front door was the red room, one of her father’s many studies and places to get away and relax." You'd have expected a more emotional response from someone who is having their last, isolated and distant contact with their departed father. She seems overly clinical about it. I think it might help to rewrite this as a kind of departure into the past, into her childhood. As always, please do R & R my stories
HarmonyIsarine 2006-11-21 ch 11,	abuseAmazing. Why is this the last one up? Why must you do this to me? This was a very well written chapter. I didn't think that two weeks had passed between the beginning and now, because Cona's parts really just seemed like a couple of days. Other than that, I really don't have anything not nit-picky to say about this chapter. I do like the way you drew them all together, and I want to see their reactions to each other, but it was also a good suspense break. Doesn't mean I'm any less angry that there's no more for tonight (And since tone of voice doesn't travel too well through text, I want to make sure you know that I'm not angry. You just did your job very very well). I loved the dialogue between Alex and Kiralina, and I hope that she goes back after whatever happens on the roof. I love Alex's character. He's amazing. I would also have liked just a bit more physical description in a few places. Notably, the club and the end. You could fit so much in that club scene, the smell of so many bodies, many perfumed with something (even if it's just the scent of their day job), the music thumping through them all, the lights, and how it's different than the other nights because it's a special party and Vampire's there. Also, the end could use some more descriptions. "She about died of a heart attack when she saw two Draiks, one standing on the roof, wearing what looked to be the remains of a green jumper, and the other crouched down on the wall, with her wings curved around her, shielding her from the moonlight." That's not bad, but a little more. What color green? What kind of remains? Tattered? Dirty? Holes? Shoes? What state is her hair in, is the moon shining on her or is it coming from behind? Same thing with Vampire. We don't know too much of what she's wearing to the club, and the moonlight could be limning her, giving her a more sinister air with the black wings, shining around her hair. If she's wearing black clothes, from what you can see through her wing-shield, then you can play that in. Just a bit more, you see? That was far too long of a paragraph. Anyway, marvelous, I am waiting eagerly for your next post. ^_^
HarmonyIsarine 2006-11-21 ch 10,	abuseI loved the sentence, "She couldn’t quite give it a name, yet she almost could; like when know you know the answer, but you can’t quite say it." I do, however, think that it could do without the "yet she almost could." The second half gets that across amazingly well, but it's your choice. That's not a real big problem. I also wanted more description on her hand bracelet. Is it gold? Silver? Chains? Any gems in it? Enamel? You went through the trouble of describing how it fit, but not what it looks like. I really loved the end of this chapter. Everything seemed to work just right. Again, I think a line or two to her kitten would work, but it is your character, and if you think she would be silent, she should be silent. I don't have a whole lot to say about this one other than what I've already said, so I'll go on to the next chapter. ^_^ Random addendum, I broke my keyboard tray.
HarmonyIsarine 2006-11-21 ch 9,	abuseI saw that you updated, and then remembered that I had completely forgotten to come back last time I said I would. As always, I love this story. It gets more interesting every time I read it (for I read it over each time I take one of these long breaks). I do wish that Cona's chapters had more dialogue, just to herself, or to the kitten (who I'm very glad did not die, I was tearing up over here). You do dialogue very well, and I think she's probably lonely enough to talk to the cat. This chapter was short, so there's not a whole lot I can say. I do like the details with the flying, though. I've got a story with winged people, and when you mentioned the detail about the tank tops, I was very excited. I would think that she maybe has a couple sweaters that she altered in some way for when it's colder, though. A girl can't live in tank tops alone. That's minor, though. I do wish we had a bit more time in the ruins. They seemed so interesing, especially when the other two came in. I would have liked if she followed them to see what happened. Also, I think you could expand on how she couldn't quite see the second one. Maybe mention that her eyes just kept slipping away. Very good, I'm on to the rest of the chapters, since I don't need to wake up tomorrow and we've both seen what "tomorrow" means when I say it. ^_^
iamthedave 2006-10-31 ch 3,	abuseI continue to love this story. The way you describe vampire becoming the centrepiece of the club scene is very believable, and it's another fine example of making unusual creatures seem very real and fit into an ostensibly modern setting. In more obviously fantastic settings that's less of an issue, but in these kinds of settings (see: Shadowrun, for other examples) details like this are important. Also the way you lay out her actions as signalling to the club and how they'll be interpreted is good, too. The way this comes back to bite her in the ** is quite sudden, and the fact it has impact is indication you've done your job well (after all, you've only just introduced the character). As I'll note lower down, the only problem I've noticed is that your work seems to drop in quality a little during action scenes. You start making little errors that you don't anywhere else, and so on. But fundamentally, you have the set up for a great chapter here. The start, middle, and end bits are great, the pacing's spot on and everything makes sense. You're bringing this world beautifully to life. Although, you could perhaps engage the other senses more often. It's something I don't do enough in my works and I've been critiqued for it in the past. Niggles "Her habit of playing the clubs had finally caught up with her and she was going to be killed!" - Unnecessary. You've built it up very well and it's obvious what's going on. "Just then, the first bouncer came back with the rope. He was mad at her for kicking him in the sweet spot, so when he tied her hands behind her back, he made the rope cruelly tight." - Consider expanding this a bit. I think the quality dips on the comment about him being 'mad at her'. I can't say clearly what's wrong with it, but I'm sure you'll agree that it feels pretty tame, and doesn't really give a feeling for what's happening. I think it would be improved if you took out the bit about the sweet spot, and add a line or two of dialogue from him as he ties her up. You can indicate how he's feeling more than well enough with what he says and some tone of voice description. And of course you can still make it clear that he's over-tightened the ropes. Also, this gives you a further chance to let us see how Vampire reacts under stress, and so is a useful chance for character development. "an anchor that looked like they had stolen it off of a brand-new boat" - Hmm. Maybe think of some other way to say this. Describe the anchor briefly. What does a new anchor look like? Or maybe they bought it just for this occasion, and it's still got the price tag on. I think there's more you can do with this. "she lost her grip on the KNIFE. She dropped it and the KNIFE went sliding to the front of the truck. She turned her head as far as she could, and could just barely see it behind her, about a foot above the level of her head. She started to shuffle her way down the bed of the pickup toward the KNIFE when she got caught by the ANCHOR. Her feet were tied to it and she couldn’t get far enough to grab the KNIFE! She strained and pulled, but she couldn’t get her feet any farther from the ANCHOR and she couldn’t get the ANCHOR to budge at all, it was too heavy." - I'm sure you can guess what I'll say, celebuil. It's mostly the two knifes at the start and two anchors at the end that bug me, but I think this paragraph is overall too knifey and too anchory. If those are words. I think you should conflate the first two sentences into one, basically having her drop the knife and have that lead right into where it ends up, that should avoid needing to say it twice. We know she's tied by her feet to an anchor, you told us only a while ago, and it isn't like she's going to forget, so I'd say lose the exclamation marked bit completely. Focus, instead of on the situation as a... picture, I guess, focus on the struggle. Don't mention particularly what she's going for, if you can only say 'anchor' and 'knife' once each. Focus on the effort she's putting in to desperately clawing towards her goal. Try to bring sound, scent, taste (by now she'll be deep in an andrenaline rush, panic always brings it on, so her mouth will probably feel very dry) into it, focus on how she's feeling physically. Tugging on a rope like that's probably going to hurt her ankle at least a little bit. I think that would greatly strengthen this paragraph. Side Note: Would I be right in thinking you have slight problems with 'action' scenes? If I remember correctly this same problem came up in one of the earlier chapters, and it was during a similar 'happening' scene. Maybe in general trying to slow down your thinking would help. I know it's easy to get lost in action scenes, but you seem to make (what I perceive as) mistakes in them that you don't anywhere else. Hmm. Food for thought. "“Hey! She got free! And she has a knife!” one of the bouncers yelled, stating the obvious." - Not sure what your stance is on harsh language, but knowing club bouncers and knowing what you've set up about this gang, I would imagine something far harsher than this would be the first thing they'd say on seeing her escape. WITH A WEAPON, no less!
iamthedave 2006-10-29 ch 2,	abuseI liked the note about the clotheslines at the start. It's a very 'real' way of thinking about things for someone with wings, and a big part of characterising a non-Human creature is understanding how they relate to what WE would think of as 'normal' or 'harmless'. Or even the things we would think the opposite of. In short: Good. I loved the meeting with the gang members. You tell the story of how this disaster turned out very well, and their facedown in the alley is very good. It builds swiftly, but everyone says the right things and the reactions are just right. I recently tried something not dissimilar to this and it didn't work at all. :( Unfortunately, there were a lot of small things that troubled me, or bits that I think could be improved. I hope none of this is too harsh. Minor niggles "She knew the alley system very well, she had lived there since she was about nine, but so did they. The gangs that ran this part of town practically lived in the alleys as she did" -- I find that you sort of say the thing twice here. The first sentence implies that they live in the alleys. Do you see what I mean? I think it might be worth trying to compress these two sentences, or coming up with a new one that has all the right info. "She hopped a fence with great ease, aided by her wings" -- You say in the first paragraph that she can't fly because of the clotheslines. This struck me as a little out of place because of that. "got her blond-brown hair caught in the links. She painfully pulled it out, leaving a sun bleached lock behind" -- When I think of 'bleached' I think yellow/white. Blond-brown doesn't fit for 'sun bleached' in my mind. Is her hair mixed colours? "He managed to slash her on the forearm. She screamed in pain and held her arm to her. It felt like fire was ripping through her arm." -- My usual niggle comes up here. You use 'arm' three times in a row ('foreARM' 'held her ARM' and 'through her ARM'). I think you could improve this by finding a way to cut some of those. Also, she held her arm to what? There's a few ways that could go. She could hold it across her chest to shield against further attacks, against her side to protect the limb. And my regular request: If this review was useful, please read and review my stories. Think of it as a catchphrase ;)
iamthedave 2006-10-29 ch 1,	abuseGood start. Lots of questions in the opener, as you'd expect, but a few answers as well. Some hints on where the Bats and Angels stand and who these two characters are, as well as a hook for the next chapter. The dialogue is uniformly of high quality, and you certainly don't waste time. It's possibly a little dry on metaphor, but I'm a rather 'dense' writer in that regard so take that critique with a pinch of salt. Yes, very good start. There was one bit which really stuck out as a possible place for improvement:- "the copper roof had rusted to a bright green, though it looked pale in the light from the moon. There was a short wall along the outside edge of the roof, but there was no door to get on the roof, so it was just for decoration. It had big gargoyles carved from the same dark grey stone periodically along the wall, but most were so worn down that you couldn’t tell what they were." -- I think you could maybe improve this a little. I have a special peeve for words being repeated, so this is minor, but you use 'roof' three times in quick succession, twice in the same sentence. If you think that needs changing, you could lose one or even two of those and use other words for it. I also don't like the 'big gargoyles' thing. See, you say that at this point you can't tell what they are. I think it might be better to describe what they look like NOW, and then have the character make some kind of emotive opinion on what they USED to be. Gargoyles are so iconic, after all, because people attach emotion to them. Usually they creep people out. Gothic staple and all. Hope this bit's some use to you. If this review was helpful, please do have a look at my stories and review them if you have the time.
tenshinoawai 2006-02-09 ch 9, anon.	abuseHey mon ari- I mean Celebuial. Is good. I like the whole "ants up your spine" thing. I do have to say I like your Eric and Ariana story a tad more, but that's probably because I know more about it. :D Anywho-- you did good. You are getting better with detail methinks. Anywho, gotta review the next story. :D WEE HEE Munchkin OVERLOAD!!
HarmonyIsarine 2006-02-05 ch 3,	abuse^_^ I'm back. I saw that there was a new chapter, and then saw the notice that it was being revised, so I reread up until here (the only chapter that I've not reviewed before ^_~). I still like it, and if I didn't have class in the morning I'd finish reading it, but there are still tense issues in these chapters. I don't know if you went through these during your rewrites, or how thoroughly you might have, but there's quite a bit of grammar issues here.Anyway, marvelous story, as amazing as I had remembered, and I will be back in the next few days (maybe not tomorrow or Tuesday, those are long class days -_-;;) to finish reading it. ^_^
Efen Tont 2005-08-17 ch 1,	abuseha ha so you did use that name for him. cool and I liked it so ceep up. from Jess`s bro Adam.
aquamoon222 2005-07-06 ch 1,	abuseI've only read the first chapter and already I can see the great talent you have for writing. It sounds like a story I'd write, only better. It really holds interest. well done! Amanda
Tenshi-no-Awai 2005-03-15 ch 1,	abuseHello mon Ariel! This is ME! FRED! I mean er... cough
HarmonyIsarine 2005-02-15 ch 7,	abuseAlso a brief chapter, but also good. One mistake that I'm going to use as a lecture point. ^_~ "When Vampire was nearing her apartment, she flew past this old skyscraper with a tarnished copper roof" See where you wrote "This old skyscraper"? That is a bad thing. "This" should be "an." I'm sure there are exceptions, but "this" is really only used in dialogue. "What, this old thing?" is an example. If it's not dialogue, which sounds better: There was this old rag knotted tightly around his arm. There was an old rag knotted tightly around his arm. See? ^_^ I was so happy that you updated! I was getting lonely and was about to scroll down to the next story when I noticed that TODAY was the 15th, and you had updated on the 15th! Highlight of my day! ^_^ I eagerly await the next updates! But if it takes longer because you want to make them better, then by all means I can wait a little longer. But if it's too long without hearing from you, I may send a search party. ^_~

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