Okay, I finished reading up to the latest chapter. XD The constructive criticism and suggestions below are mostly my opinion. Just take what works and disregard the rest. :-) Yes, I know that this is long, but after reading this chapter, I have a lot to say, although I feel like I'm rambling (let me know if I am.) Hopefully some of it will be helpful. If not, then feel free to beat me up with a baseball bat. XP I'm afraid that this might be a tad too negative (if it is, then I apologize. I just despise sugar coating when it comes to writing critiques), even though I have to be honest. It was a good read in some parts, but there are things that needed to be pointed at.

Some parts feel like something out of a melodramatic TV series or soap opera (for example, the part with Kristine and Cassie in the restaurant.) I remember you mentioning on your author's notes in chapter twenty six that you imagine as a TV series. I do see where you're coming from, but the drama seems exaggerated. It seems a bit more like a situational comedy series or a satire instead (at least to me it does.) Also, you did mention about having written deleted scenes in one of your notes, but there were a few parts that felt fillerish, and to me it didn't advanced the plot. It's also pretty much the case when introducing new characters. In this story, it feels like they're just appearing for the sake of being there. I don't see a significance on what impact they have with the main cast. I can suggest posting them as a separate piece/side story. If this is intended to be a potential TV series, then what I can suggest is to separate each several chapters into books/arcs (a book series.) The humor you added in wasn't that funny (sorry.) It could be me, but I feel that it could just be the execution - to me, it wasn't clever. I have no problem with sex jokes, but it feels like too much is being put into the story. It's okay to add them in when it's necessary, but too much of it can kill the story for some readers (the same with bathroom humor.) I'm actually confused about the conflict and theme of this story. You seem to have established it in the first chapter, but it got lost later on. There were little things happening, especially in the recent chapters. It's fine to have the story set up like that, but there has to be a main conflict/theme present. Plus, I believe I spotted some plot holes when reading.

The point of view became very inconsistent later on in the story. At first it was third person limited - Cassie's POV, and then later on (especially chapters twenty eight and thirty one), it focused on the other characters (omniscient.) If this story is intended to be a multi-character narration (having one or more POV(s) in each chapter), it should stay in Cassie's. I was hoping to see Cassie as a less of a self-insert in the recent chapters, but sadly, she still feels like an unfinished painting. She keeps fading a lot, like you're allowing the readers to be her. If this story was told in a first person/stream of consciousness POV, or if there's a poetic tone in the prose, then it would work. But in a story like this, it's not a good thing (to be honest.) The characterization of your other characters confused me. In recent chapters, they became warped, especially Sally (who became one of my favorites, but then she turned into a very emotional and somewhat horny girl O_O'.) The twist about her sexual orientation wasn't well executed and seems predictable. It could just be me, but I've read books and stories that had that scenario. I know that on your profile that you said that you don't like cliched romances (same with me), but I have to let you know that I spotted a few in this story, including the group of perverted/drunk Lesbians one (during the part with the party at Kristine's place.) The plot twists felt weak, especially the one with Kristine's confession to Cassie in the restaurant. It was similar to the mainstream cliched (falling in love for money and fooling the other person until later.) It wasn't clever or memorable and I think you could do so much better than that (write an original or underappreciated twist), especially on a plot that has potential. The interaction between Cassie and her mother in recent chapters was unrealistic. It could be because of the sudden news, but I don't think Cassie would start to spend time with her right away.

The descriptions felt awkward and lifeless. There were some unnecessary adjectives/adverbs, even when conveying emotions. Some of the metaphors were overused and it feels like stronger phrases/connections could be used to enhance the imagery. An example is during the part where Debbie is thinking about her daughter (when they were at the salon.) And I'm still confused about your use of semi-colons...

I remembered you mentioning in your notes for chapter twenty seven that some of your readers think that the story is cute. I believe it's because of the atmosphere. If you want to set an angst or a dark tone/mood, you have to write the right description. Use sensory details - smells, sounds, the people, etc.. If you're going to have Kristine wearing pink (which is fine if it's your intention), then what you could do is contradict it. Trust me, I know how it feels to have a written piece intended to be one way, but the readers see it in another. You just got to make them really feel the mood.

I noticed that you're writing "20 min later" as a transition. Just to let you know, that is being frowned upon (editors see it as one of the shortcuts that budding writers use.) I can suggest using a page break instead. Let the readers infer about the time through necessary details. I also noticed that you were adding disclaimers for companies, trademarks, songs, etc. I can see where you're coming from, but it's not necessary to add them. Unless it's a fanfic, or you're writing a story that takes place in another author's universe or using their characters (ex: Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, etc.), then it's relevant. As long you're not intentionally plagiarizing, there's no need to add them. Besides, authors are using songs, places, etc. in their stories too. Nothing wrong with that.

I apologize for not being able to point out corrections for the rest of the chapters. Got too much to do and catch up on in real life. They're the usual have commas where they should be, and the typos, etc. I can suggest getting a beta reader for future chapters (it'll definitely be helpful and rewarding for you and for the readers as well.) If you want, I can beta. If not, it's fine. :-)

I hope I didn't cause you to become discourage. This story has A LOT of potential (as with the other pieces I've read from you so far.) It's not everyday that I find another author who is determined to create original plots and wants to avoid cliches. All it needs is a major revision right after it's finished.

I think I'm done now. XD

Corrections/Feedback:

{She was after all sitting beside Kristine all natural!} A comma before and after "after all."

{"Back in high school, I was going through a very rough period. I was pretty shallow in terms of girls. I hated being a looser and only sought after the princesses. I stalked the tall, thin, perfectly lean bodied girls with the ripe ‘B’ cups. If I had seen you in high school, I wouldn’t even have bothered. I would have seen the blonde hair and bouncy tits. That alone would have elevated you too far over my head. I’d probably have labeled you a whore too just cause. Then I’d go home and masturbate to you while chastising myself it. …I’m only human you know," Cassie shrugged feeling a little low.} A comma after "whore too", and another after "shrugged." "looser" should be "loser."

{To her surprised Kristine smiled warmly and kissed her on the cheek.} "surprised" should be "surprise." A comma after "surprise."

{She blushed giggling to herself.} A comma after "blushed."

{Cassie closed her eyes taking in a slow breath.} A comma after "eyes."

{"I wish I could keep this day forever," Kristine said swirling her feet in the water.} A comma after "said."

{"I hate to be a killjoy but I really have to go. I have to get ready for work. So what about our date," Cassie asked while getting up.} A comma after "killjoy." A question mark after "date."

{"Sunday afternoon I’ll pick you up. First we’ll go shopping on Saturday for your dress…then you can come back here… if you want," Kristine quietly added with a slight blush.} I believe there should be a comma after "afternoon."

{She looked away playing with her hands awaiting Cassie’s response.} A comma after "away", and another after "hands."

{Kristine walked towards Cassie standing less than three inches apart.} A comma after "Cassie."

{She wrapped her arms around Cassie’s back drawing closer.} A comma after "back."

{The feeling was highly sensual but friendly being it was Kristine.} A comma before and after "but friendly."

{She smiled slowly moving towards Cassie’s face.} A comma after "smiled."

{Their lips met in a warm kiss setting Cassie’s heart ablaze.} A comma after "kiss."

{She closed her eyes saving ever second she was intimate with Kristine.} A comma after "eyes." "ever" should be "every."

{Cassie opened her eyes feeling Kristine part her lips.} A comma after "eyes."

{It massaged her tender lips carrying warm saliva in its wake.} A comma after "lips."

{Kristine walked inside leaving Cassie in a daze.} A comma after "inside."

{Seconds later she collected herself walking inside.} A comma after "herself."

{"I’m…gonna wash up and…uh…get going," Cassie stuttered heading toward the bathroom.} A comma after "stuttered."

{She took a quick shower making use of the bath fragrances.} I believe there should be a comma after "shower."

{She opened the door seeing a photo of Kristine on the wall.} A comma after "door."

{Kristine laid on the golden sand glamorously displaying the goods.} lay. A comma after "glamorously."

{Cassie jumped hearing Kristine’s voice.} A comma after "jumped." "hearing Kristine's voice" could be dropped. I believe the readers will know it's her.

{"Hey don’t sneak up on me like that. You nearly gave me a stroke," Cassie almost screamed.} A comma after "Hey."

{"Yeah I was a little heavier back then. I don’t work out or anything I gave up on that stuff. I have no will power, I can’t help it I’m always hungry. Ever since I bought this house; I’ve been spending a lot of time in the pool. After a few months I lost 15lbs. I guess there was a benefit to my love of swimming. It also helped that I love to dance. I get a good work out at clubs. I guess that’s pretty much my exercise. I’ll take what I can get. Even better my boobs shrank a little. I went down a cup size after dropping the weight," Kristine smiled proudly.} A comma after "Yeah", after "anything", and another after "I can't help it." I don't think there should be semi-colon after "house" (correct me if I'm wrong.)

{"I think you look sexy in this picture. Hey do you have any more? I want to show my friends what you look like," Cassie asked.} A comma after "Hey."

{"You want one of those? I have more recent ones of me. I was a little chubbier in these. Wouldn’t you want current picture? I can get out my digital cam and take one now" Kristine suggested.} pictures. A comma after "now."

{Cassie blushed taking a nude one for herself.} A comma after "blushed."

{"Ok I really like this one," Cassie said pointing to a picture.} A comma after "Ok", and another after "said."

{It was of Kristine in a mini dress tapering off at her thighs.} A comma after "dress."

{The bust was partially closed displaying ample cleavage.} A comma after "closed."

{She held a kissing motion leaning into the camera.} A comma after "motion."

{"Ok it’s yours," Kristine smiled handing her the picture.} A comma after "Ok", and another after "smiled."

{"It sounds so easy doesn’t it? Modeling’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s just too much drama involved. That and whether you like it or not, you become a role model. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want millions of chubby teenagers looking up to me. I have enough problems of my own; leading a nation’s not my responsibility. I don’t mean to sound cold or anything, but I can’t live up the image of perfection they place on me. So I bowed out in respect for all the girls who shared my upbringing. Call me a coward if you wish. But I don’t like deceiving people," Kristine sighed.} A comma after "easy", and another after "That."

{"..eh I guess. Look I really gotta get going though. Thanks for the great dinner…and oh so sweet dessert," Cassie thanked slowly licking her lips.} A comma after "eh", after "Look", and another after "thanked."

{"Oh speaking of which I almost forgot, I have something for you," Cassie said as she ran to the kitchen.} A comma after "Oh", and another after "which."

{She retuned holding a foil duck.} returned. A comma after "returned."

{Kristine giggled handing it to Cassie.} A comma after "giggled."

{"Whoa that’s pretty cool, how’d you make this," Cassie asked.} A comma after "Whoa", and a question mark after "this."

{"This little thing, I made it while you were having a shower. My grandma was also into origami. She kinda forced it on me growing up, so it’s another of my useless talents. Though it will keep the food warm, I figured you’d want the rest. I’ll just have some cold cuts later if; who am I kidding when I’m hungry. I don’t mind really," Kristine said as she watched Cassie play with the wings.} A comma after "kidding."

{"I’ll be sure to put this to good use. I never skimp on free food. Especially home cooked meals. Now it’s twice in one day. I suddenly have a thirst for a nice frosty vanilla milkshake," Cassie said as her eyes lit up.} I think "skimp" should be "skip."

{"I would too but I’m not supposed to have that stuff," Kristine admitted.} A comma after "too."

{"So you are on a diet then huh," Cassie slyly asked.} A comma after "then", and a question mark after "huh."

{"Na I’m lactose intolerant. I try to sneak in some whole milk or a milk shake once in a while. But damn, you don’t wanna be around me five minutes later," Kristine admitted holding her nose with look of disgust.} A comma after "Na", and another after "admitted."

{"Hehe I knew a kid like that in fourth grade. We’d always try to get him to each cheese. Then he’d fart up a storm. Once we replaced his lactose free milk with whole milk. He got diarrhea…sorry I guess it wouldn’t be funny if you have it," Cassie stopped seeing the look of anguish on Kristine’s face.} A comma after "Hehe". after "sorry", and another after "stopped." "each" should be "eat."

{Her belly was a soft a baby’s skin within Cassie’s fingers.} as soft as a baby's skin.

{"Whenever I have diary products I like to feel my stomach. It feels like a volcano’s about to erupt in there. Sometimes I get bloated…like I really need that. Of course I try to look at the positives. Lactose free milks is on some levels healthier than regular milk. The taste isn’t much different either. Lactose free products cost more too especially cheese. But it’s pay more or pay later," Kristine sighed.} A comma after "Of course."

{"You never cease to amaze me. I’m gonna tell my girlfriend…not in that way all about you. I swear sometimes she acts like she’s my mom. Again thanks for everything and I’ll see you tomorrow," Cassie thanked heading for the door.} A comma after "that way", after "I swear", after "Again", and another after "thanked."

{Kristine followed her out holding the screen open as she passed.} A comma after "out."

{Cassie waved but Kristine held her arm.} A comma after "waved."

{She stopped suddenly seeing Kristine lean forward.} A comma after "seeing."

{She waved to Kristine placing the duck in the passenger seat.} A comma after "Kristine."

{Fastening her seatbelt, she started the car and left her perfect life; for now at least.} I believe there should be a comma after "for now."

I'm going to try to not sound redundant from now on. I apologize for repeating anything that another review pointed out for this story. Of course, in the other pieces I've read from you so far, including Aphrodite Academy, I do see improvement in your writing and characterization. So my criticism doesn't apply to all your stories, just this one. I understand that this was first written before your recent Lesbian stories, so I apologize (thanks for letting me know.) But I won't judge you and I'll still read this and your other stories. As I said before, you do have potential.

Okay, on to my thoughts for this chapter: I like the interaction when Kristine was showing the picture (it could have been a bit subtle, but I like it.) I noticed that for, I think, the last three chapters it stays in one setting. It's not a problem, and I'm not sure if this is beating a dead horse, but it's not moving the plot forward. Usually, unless it's the author's attention, there would be more than one scene (not a lot, but enough for the plot) per chapter. At least that's what I learned. Correct me if I'm wrong for this story.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Kristine sat at the edge of the pool swinging her legs in the swaying water.} A comma after "pool."

{"What’s wrong don’t you want to swim anymore," Cassie asked noticing Kristine’s frown.} A comma after "wrong", and another after "asked." A question mark after "anymore."

{Cassie climbed onto the edge pulling herself out.} A comma after "edge."

{She sat next to Kristine rubbing against her feet.} A comma after "Kristine."

{Kristine still kept her head down emitting a dejected sigh.} A comma after "down."

{She tugged the small ring watching Kristine’s stomach retract.} A comma after "ring."

{"Please, Kristine talk to me. Everything seemed fine until five minutes ago. Is it me? Was it something I did? Don’t do this Kristine. I didn’t wanna end up in this awkward setting," Cassie pleaded feeling her darkness returning.} A comma after "Kristine" and another after "pleaded."

{They sat in silence looking into each other’s eyes.} A comma after "silence."

{Now though it felt wrong.} A comma before and after "though."

{Kristine’s frown grew stronger following her glassy eyes.} A comma after "stronger."

{"I know Kristine how do you think I feel? I mean look at you. Your beauty alone intimidates the hell out of me. Not to mention your nice house. I have nothing to offer you except myself. If anyone, I should…well I am in doubt of the relationship. I don’t want to feel this way either.} A comma after "Kristine", after "I mean", and another after "well."

{It’s just a sad truth for our differences to wedge us apart. I don’t want us to be apart. I know we haven’t even had our first date yet, but we already shared something truly special," Cassie assured feeling a small bit of sadness elevate.} A comma after "assured."

{"See that’s what I mean Cassie. You’re so together and always know what to say. I’m such a moron sometimes. When people look at me they immediately label me as a bimbo. The sad thing is that’s how I act. It’s not intentional I’m just always happy and want to see people smile. Things that are cute make me smile. I love pink! I see the positive in things that others don’t. I never try to take life too seriously. I never try to take myself too seriously. If I do I’ll realize the truth. I like to wear tight clothes because they make me feel good. I like the attention I get from people staring at my body. I love to know that desperate men look at me and want me. I’m in their fantasies when they’re all alone. I love the things that make my life so good. But if I ever stop these things, I feel as I do now.} A comma after "See", and another after "intentional."

{When I stop, I’m just as I am right now with you, completely naked. Cassie look at me I’m not skinny. I’m never going to be a size five. I’ll never have a flat stomach or a little tight ass. Sure I have large breasts, but sometimes they’re murder my back. I have big thighs and a plump ass. I can’t even go into those sexy lingerie shops to buy stuff. I order my bikinis and lingerie online. It’s so embarrassing walking into those plus size stores just to buy a bra.} A comma after "Cassie", after "at me", and another after "Sure." "they're murder my back" confused me. Maybe "they're murdering my back"?

{When I did plus size modeling after high school I felt good for a while. There were a few girls bigger than me, but I started to feel fat again. I didn’t have the boys drooling at me like in high school. I was in the real world and for the most part, I was a real woman. I’m not gonna delude myself like most girls my size. It’s in my genes and whether I like it or not; I just have to accept how god made me.} A comma after "real world", and another after "genes."

{You really do see past my body to me, Kristine. That’s what makes me so sad. All my life I’ve been waiting to a person like you; someone who truly cares about me as a person, and not an object. I feel so guilty for having sex with you. I don’t know, maybe I was scared if I didn’t put out, you’d only look at me too," Kristine wept.} I think "waiting to" should be "waiting for." Also, I think the "Kristine" in the dialogue should be "Cassie."

{It was especially true being Kristine didn’t mind her self injuries.} A comma after "true."

{"I’m so sorry Kristine, you’re completely right. I am attracted to your body. I can’t help it; you’re so goddamn beautiful okay. Ever since I saw you last night, you were all I could think of. I didn’t give anything else a second thought. All I wanted to do was screw you. But after I came over today I got to know you; the girl beneath the bouncy exterior.} A comma after "beautiful."

{I really like that girl. Kristine please don’t be ashamed of who you really are. You’re not fat, you’re perfect. You’re so smart; you’re funny and have such a cool taste in interior decorating. You actually know the proper silverware settings. I didn’t feel like such an oddball knowing which was the salad fork. It felt so good having someone on the same intellectual level. Other than my two friends….yes I only have two, I can’t talk to anyone so unrestricted. I can use big words and you understand. The more we talked the less I saw the blonde hair, big boobs, pretty face and curvaceous body. I simply saw Kristine, the woman who is as beautiful on the inside as out.} A comma after "Kristine", after "yes", and another after "we talked."

{Still I’m not gonna sit here and say I don’t want your body. It’s smoking hot and that’s probably never gonna change. You’re just gonna have to except the face that you make me horny. But I still like you anyway," Cassie concluded with a slight laugh.} A comma after "Still." "except" should be "accept."

{"Thanks Cassie, I really mean that. You don’t have to try so hard, I already like you. Stop placing me on a pedestal; I’m a normal person just like you. My looks won’t last forever you know. I am a year younger than you; so at least I can say I into an older woman. There’s this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like it and never want it to go away.} A comma after "forever." I think "I into an older woman" should be "I'm into an older woman."

{I feel so…great is the only word I can think of. But there’s no point wallowing in a melancholy existence ya know. Besides if I can’t make fun of myself, then I’m less human than my oppressors. I see you can’t stop staring at my monster thighs, Kristine smirked sticking out her tongue.} A comma after "existence", after "Besides", and another after "smirked." A quotation mark after "thighs."

{"Shut up, your thighs are sexy. Sorry if I annoy you with the constant praise. Maybe if you don’t get tired of me, I’ll learn to accept my luck. You know it’s too bad I have go in early tonight. Like you said today was plain awesome! …I know this might sound like a stupid question and all, but Kristine what’s your last name. I feel like such a jerk not knowing such a significant detail," Cassie blushed.} A comma after "You know", after "Like you said", and another after "Kristine." A question mark after "last name."

{"Don’t worry about it. My full name’s Kristine Gia Ustesis. Not only was my grandma fat, but she was Greek too. So I go a weird last name. Yet another thing I got picked on about in school. Well it wasn’t that bad; I mean once they started making fun of my last name, they finally stopped calling me Porky. Ah but that doesn’t matter anymore.} A comma after "Well", after "I mean", and another after "Ah."

{Hey if we were in high school right now and you saw me, would you ask me out," Kristine suddenly asked.} A comma after "Hey", and a question mark after "out."

{In the end Cassie transcended into her current self.} A comma after "end."

{To some extent she still felt as confused.} A comma after "extent."

{Cassie couldn’t call herself bisexual feeling nothing for men.} A comma after "bisexual."

{Still Cassie stuck with lesbian as a safe assumption of her sexuality.} A comma after "Still."

{For now at least it satisfied her needs.} A comma after "For now."

{Cassie for as long as she could remember struggled with her identity.} A comma before and after "for as long as she could remember."

{She was gorgeous yet led a life Cassie dreamed of.} A comma after "gorgeous."

{She had boys crawling at her feet; she commanded the attention of woman.} women.

{However that was not the case as she got to see beneath the layers.} A comma after "However."

{Unfortunately in high school such opportunities are few and far between.} A comma before and after "in high school."

this story was badass its one of those stories when you just get pissed waiting for the next chapter to come SO HURRY lol. but seriously great job.

Corrections/Feedback:

{Having Posttraumatic Stress Disorder won’t deter me from…,” Kristine was cut short as Cassie gave her a toe tingling kiss.} A quotation mark at the beginning. There shouldn't be a comma after the dialogue line.

{“Where’s your bedroom,” Cassie breathily asked.} A question mark after "bedroom."

{Cassie held Kristine’s hands looking into her large nervous eyes.} A comma after "hands."

{Cassie rested on the damp pillow taking in the previous half hour.} A comma after "pillow."

{Kristine lay beside her completely exhausted.} A comma after "her."

{They held hands under the sheets quietly listening to their fleeting breaths.} A comma after "sheets."

{Kristine nuzzled against Cassie gently touching the contours of her body.} A comma after "Cassie."

{“Are you sure you’ve never been with a girl before,” Cassie asked still feeling it.} A question mark after "before", and a comma after "asked."

{“Honest to god, you’re the first girl I’ve ever slept with. It was nothing like I had imagined. I never though sex could actually be beautiful. …the way you touched me I just melted,” Kristine admitted.} "though" should be "thought." A comma after "me." Drop "Kristine admitted." As I mentioned before, there are too many tags.

{“It’s not a dream, it’s a fantasy come true. Seriously you were the greatest sex partner I’ve ever had. I didn’t even have to fake…any of them. You just kept going like you were on steroids or something. I’m not used to that kind of stamina,” Kristine blushed.} A comma after "Seriously." This part of the dialogue is very stilted. If they were elders looking back on the days when they were younger, then maybe. But in real life, I don't believe a couple would discuss it like that. Also, "blushed" is not a tag, so a period after "stamina."

{“Thanks. So um what do we do now?” Kristine asked.} A comma after "So", and another after "um."

{“Well I don’t really know. The responsible part of me wants to say let’s not rush this. But the sex starved tramp in me doesn’t want to leave this bed. I think it would be best to just go with it. I really like you and you like me,” Cassie suggested.} A comma after "Well." Drop "Cassie suggested."

{“You’re not too bad yourself. Unfortunately I can’t stay forever….I have to work tonight. Even worse I have to go in early, some celebrity or something is going to be there. They actually wanted me there so it sounds important. I’ll be there till three again. At least I don’t have class on the weekends,” Cassie said in a relieved tone.} A comma after "Even worse."

{“When can I see you again,” Kristine asked slowly kissing on Cassie’s arm.} A question mark after "again." A comma after "asked."

{“Kristine, you really don’t think my scars are ugly,” Cassie asked feeling the moist lips on her skin.} A question mark after "ugly", and another after "asked."

{She giggled feeling the tender worship to her lower extremities.} A comma after "giggled."

{For once everything bad in Cassie’s life paused.} A comma after "For once."

{All her repressed memories of her father, school, and work everything halted.} I can suggest a dash after "work."

{She gripped the headboard feeling an internal shockwave.} A comma after "headboard."

{She fell back to earth sinking into the plush pillow.} A comma after "earth."

{Kristine walked towards the closet much to Cassie’s enjoyment.} I believe there should be a comma after "closet."

{She pulled out a transparent robe slowly dressing in a teasing manner.} A comma after "robe."

{It hugged her breasts propping them tightly together.} A comma after "breasts."

{Kristine sat at the edge of the bed facing the wall.} I believe there should be a comma after "bed."

{Cassie crawled over draping her arms over Kristine’s chest.} A comma after "over."

{The small breasts mashed against Kristine’s back prompting her common smile.} A comma after "back."

{“Do you still want to go out with me? You don’t think any less of me because I gave it up so easily do you?” Kristine asked with a hint of sadness.} A comma after "easily."

{“No way, I’d never think that. Believe me I wanted it as bad as you did. I really want to go out with you Kristine. In such a short time, you’ve really made me feel so good about myself. How about tomorrow I don’t have school on the weekend. I have to work at night. Unless you want to go Sunday; I’m off on Sundays,” Cassie suggested.} A comma after "Believe me", and another after "tomorrow." Drop "Cassie suggested."

{“Okay we can go on Sunday. Not to sound selfish or anything, but I want you all to myself. There’s this restaurant up north, it’s so nice. They have a strict dress code if you’re okay with that,” Kristine asked.} A comma after "Okay." Drop "Kristine asked."

{Cassie groaned hearing about the dress code.} A comma after "groaned."

{It was more shameful she didn’t have the funds to for a proper dress.} I believe "to" should be "too."

{“To be honest I don’t own any dresses. I’m more of a jeans and tee shirt type of girl. I just never felt comfortable in them. The last time wore a dress was in high school. I don’t want to get us turned away at the door or anything, but I really want to go out with you,” Cassie grumbled.} I believe there should be a comma after "To be honest."

{“Don’t worry about it. How about tomorrow I take you shopping. I’ve got to get some stuff anyway it’ll be fun. My treat, consider it my thank you for the mind blowing sex. I totally respect your lifestyle in the way you dress and carry yourself. It’s just the restaurant has to uphold their reputation. Look we don’t have to go if you don’t want to. There are lots of places we can go. I don’t like seeing you frown,” Kristine apologized.} A comma after "tomorrow." "I take you shopping" should be "I'll take you shopping." A comma after "stuff", and another after "Look." Drop "Kristine apologized."

{This probably sounds pretty sentimental, I feel as if you complete my life. Sure it was by coincidence we met, but looking past that it might have actually been fate. At least on some level something drew us together, but the true reason is something we’ll discover over time,” Cassie explained.} A comma after "Sure", after "past that", and another after "level." Drop "Cassie explained."

{“As long as we can discover it side by side, I’d really like that too. I feel like going for a swim how about you,” Kristine asked.} A comma after "swim", and a question mark after "you."

{“Why not skinny dip I do it all the time. Besides my yard’s fenced in so it’s complete privacy. Pretty please I love looking at your cute body,” Kristine asking lightly tickling Cassie.} A comma after "dip", after "Besides", after "please", and another after "asked." "asking" should be "asked."

{“Okay, okay I’ll swim with you but mind if I take a quick shower. I made a mess of myself in our previous romp,” Cassie laughed.} A comma after the second "okay", and after "with you." I believe there should be a question after "shower."

{“I could use one too, though I think I’ve got you beat,” Kristine laughed looking at her thighs.} A comma after "laughed." "laughed" is not a tag, so a period after "beat."

{“Come on why don’t you join me, it’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked,” Cassie shrugged.} A comma after "Come on." I don't think "shrugged" is a tag.

{They floated towards the bathroom contemplating their open future.} A comma after "bathroom."

I apologize if this is a spoiler, but I have to point this out. I doubt that when two people have sex they talk about it afterwards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is unrealistic. In some cases, the couple will talk about the experience, but not like how it's executed in this story. In the aftermath of making love in writing, it should be subtle. Use emotions, facial features, etc. - not words/dialogue. Show the readers. Don't tell it through the characters.

Again, the transition from the flashback/dream needs to be smooth. Have the scene at the beginning of this chapter in italics and/or add a pagebreak.

In the dialogue, I noticed that during the dream scene, the beginning of the tags are capitalized. They should be lowercased. Plus, there were parts in which Cassie and Kristine would say each other's name. That is stilted. In real life, conversations don't go like that. People don't refer each other by name unless it's necessary/formal.

The word "look" has been repeated a lot so far in this story. Replace some of them with synonyms to enhance the word choice.

I don't want to be harsh. The last thing I want is to hurt you, although I won't flame you (I despise flaming), but I have to be honest. This story does have potential, but there's something that keeps personally turning me off. I believe it's the way you're portraying Lesbians and romance in this story. As I read, I feel that Cassie is a young woman with the mentality of a man. It's fine if you want to have a butch tone, but I don't know...I really don't want to call her a self-insert character (aka the "Mary Sue." I don't want to insult your main character, but I have to say it), but honestly I kind of feel that she is. She's troubled inside and she meets a hot girl. This type of romance is overused, and at times, unrealistic (at least from my reading experience.) If you want your readers to care about Cassie show that she's strong and can depend on herself through hard times. There are people in real life who have depression, but manage to gain confidence in themselves and fighting through it. I haven't read the rest of this story, but if you execute Cassie's characterization that way, your readers will connect.

In other words, this sort of feels like wish fulfillment. As a Gay female, I can't relate to certain parts of this story, including the romance. It feels like bad roleplaying. I apologize if I'm being harsh (I'm not a professional writer either), but I have to be honest. I want to help. If you have any questions, or feel like there's something that needs to be clarify, let me know. You have the right to disagree with me on anything I write in this review.

There are male writers in Lesbian fiction who can execute their stories well with realistic female perspectives, and have their characters portrayed as real people, rather than objects for sexual fantasies. From what I've read from you so far, you have potential to be one of them. You're on the right track with how you show that they did it in this chapter, although the dialogue needs work. You just have to put more effort into your writing.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{He stood with open arms calling forth his baby.} A comma after "arms."

{Her father laughed and called her again much calmer.} A comma after "again."

{She looked up at her parents smiling beneath the warm sun.} I believe there should be a comma after "parents."

{Her mother stood beside him holding and bright yellow umbrella.} A comma after "him", and "and" should be "a."

{It cast a dark shadow over her beautiful face.} casted.

{Cassie frowned unable to see her mommy.} A comma after "frowned."

{Still she wiped the sand from her face with her little hands.} A comma after "Still."

{They laughed to each other seeing who Cassie would run towards.} A comma after "other."

{She looked a both open arms as she neared.} "a" should be "at."

{Cassie stopped, looking at her parents utterly confused.} A comma after "parents."

{Cassie pouted and sat down feeling the sand seep into her diaper.} A comma after "down."

{“What’s the matter Cassie does your tummy hurt again,” Her mother softly asked.} A comma after "Cassie", and a question mark after "again." "Her" should be lowercased.

{She looked up into his eyes extending her arms.} A comma after "eyes."

{She was lifted high into the air ceasing her tears.} A comma after "air."

{He twirled her round and round, Cassie spread her arms like a bird feeling the wind in her face.} A comma after "bird." I can suggest either a semi-colon or period after "round."

{She laughed happily being in his arms once again.} I believe there should be a comma after "happily."

{“You’re the cutest baby in the whole wide world yes you are,” She cooed.} A comma after "world." "She" should be lowercased.

{Her mother stepped away in horror leaving the Cassie trapped.} A comma after "horror." Also, is "the Cassie" intentional? It feels like "the" could be omitted, but it could be intended for the dream.

{He inched closer pursing his rotting lips in a gently terrifying kiss.} A comma after "closer." "gently terrifying kiss" is out of place. I could be wrong, but I don't think gentle and terrifying should be worded together (unless that is intentional.)

{Cassie cried fighting to draw away.} A comma after "cried."

{His grasp was too strong, again she pushed with all her might hearing him gasp.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "strong." A comma after "might."

{Cassie opened her eyes feeling her heart racing within her chest.} A comma after "eyes."

{Kristine held her head down afraid to even look at Cassie.} A comma after "down."

{“I’m sorry I’m new at this whole lesbian thing. I didn’t mean make you uncomfortable,” Kristine quietly apologized.} A comma after "I'm wrong."

{She sat looking at the ground as Cassie sat on the opposite end.} A comma after "sat."

{She swallowed hard rubbing her wrist.} A comma after "hard."

{Beside her, Kristine sat sobbing speculating her error in judgment.} A comma after "sobbing."

{She fell against Cassie’s shoulder feeling a comforting embrace.} A comma after "shoulder."

{They held each other crying in the sheer comfort of their company.} A comma after "each other."

{As she looked at Kristine awaiting the source of her ailments; Cassie felt slightly at ease.} A comma after "Kristine" and I don't think there should be a semi-colon after "ailments."

{Sure Cassie had her dear friends Sally and Fabian, but it wasn’t enough for her.} A comma after "Sure."

{“Do you remember how I said my dad died in that skiing accident,” Cassie asked.} A question mark after "accident."

{“It was but I never truly got over loosing him. He was more than just a father to me. He was my best friend and loosing him really hurt me. I heard about him being hospitalized on the radio. I was driving my little sports car home from the movies. I was so traumatized, I ran into a tree. I totaled my car but I didn’t even care.} A comma after "was", and another after "car." "loosing" should be "losing."

{I was laid up in the hospital three days later when the news report came. He died from internal bleeding. I never understood that whole internal bleeding thing. I mean isn’t your body full of blood already? Why can you die from something like that! It’s just not fair. Soon afterwards I started having these really horrible day dreams. They were like nightmares but I was awake. I would see these really happy memories of us. Then they’d get all freaky and sometimes violent.} A comma after "I mean", after "afterwards", and another after "nightmares." I think "Why" should be "How", and a question mark after "something like that."

{I had to take these drugs just to keep myself calm during the day. At night I really did have nightmares. My mom checked me into a depression clinic. They diagnosed me with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes it feels like I’m slowly going insane. I miss him so much and I can’t let go of him. All I can do is try to take my mind off it. That’s part of why I DJ at night. I love it to death but it helps keep my mind going. If I stay too still I start to think about him. Then everything goes to hell; kind of like what just happened. …I’m so sorry Kristine. I didn’t mean to flip out on you,” Cassie concluded feeling her eyes fill with tears of shame.} A comma after "Cassie concluded."

{“Cassie its okay really it is. I work in the pharmaceutical industry I understand what you go through. I’ve worked with a few people who had PTSD. It’s very difficult to cope with it but I’ll always listen whenever you want to talk. Please Cassie …I want to be there for you,” Kristine blushed.} A comma after "Cassie", after "okay", after "industry", and another after "with it." "its okay" should be "it's okay."

{“You don’t understand Kristine its way worse than that,” Cassie added.} A comma after "Kristine." "its" should be "it's."

{“Cassie there’s nothing you can do that I haven’t seen. You lost your father don’t feel bad for mourning past his death. It’s natural to have alternative means of dealing with such issues.} A comma after "Cassie", and another after "father."

{Cassie shamefully looked away taking off her both her shirts.} A comma after "away."

{Kristine’s eyes roamed the long gashes across her arms stemming the wrists.} I believe there should be a comma after "arms."

{Kristine reached for Cassie’s arm but she drew away.} A comma after "arm."

{Kristine looked Cassie straight in the eyes kissing the scars.} A comma after "eyes."

{She ran her tongue along the embossed skin feeling the electricity.} A comma after "skin."

{Cassie’s arms, most afraid while others pitied her.} A comma after "afraid."

{“You’re right Cassie I don’t think you’re pretty. I think you’re beautiful. Every inch of your body is beautiful especially your arms. You make my heart go bum, bum, bum, in my chest when I look at you. I just want to touch you everywhere. Even this morning when I was thinking about you, I got this really happy feeling. You know like waking up from a really good nap on a sunny day. I can’t deny the fact that you’re beautiful, you just are. I’ve never felt this way about any girl before.} A comma after "Cassie", and another after "beautiful", after "You know."

Corrections/Feedback:

{"It’s so much easier to talk to guys. Once they see my chest they melt in my hands. Girls on the other hand are so hard because they have everything I have. I don’t know how to even go about it. Last night I was a little buzzed before I got to the club. I had a shot of Cardinere before I left the car. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would have been able to talk to you.} A comma before and after "on the other hand."

{That’s just how I am around girls. I turn into this big babbling idiot who can’t shut up. Great I’m doing it now. Um I think I should be quiet now," Kristine groaned.} A comma after "Great", and another after "Um."

{She drew Kristine closer continuing their magical kiss.} A comma after "closer."

{Their eyes systematically closed enjoying the serenity of the experience.} A comma after "closed."

Corrections/Feedback:

{She lowered her head towards the table sobbing.} A comma after "table."

{I really do like you Cassie, honest to god. You make me feel all funny inside. It’s more than sexual, I mean I want to have sex with you, but it’s... I don’t know it’s hard to explain. Ever since I laid eyes on you last night, it was as if I woke up from a deep slumber," Kristine explained while beet red.} A comma after "I don't know."

{"I’ve dreamt so long of hearing a girl say something like that to me. I do feel something just being here with you. I really like you too Kristine and hope we can grow together. I want to know everything about you. Well I promised my friends, I sorta told them about the hot girl I met," Cassie admitted.} A comma after "Kristine", and another after "Well."

{"I’m so sorry, I completely understand how you feel. I had my share of ridicule being a nerd and all. In high school I went through this whole goth phase. My mom totally freaked but my dad was so cool about it. Though by that time I already knew I was gay, I never told my parents. I was far too ashamed.} A comma after "freaked."

{"I was a nerd but a little meatball of a nerd. Oh that however changed once I got into high school. I was a late bloomer and didn’t hit puberty till 15. But when I did damn; it was like I grew tits and ass overnight. I had a growth spurt and by the end of the year all the guys wanted me. I totally grew into my body I was so popular. Sad to say I became such a slut, I spent most of my senior year on my back.} A comma after "nerd", after "Oh", after "body", and another after "Sad to say."

{The guys knew I was using them but they didn’t care. It was so empowering finally being the object of desire. No one ever turned a mean eye to me anymore. I wasn’t the skinniest girl or anything but the guys wouldn’t leave me alone. By the time I graduated, I was so bored with sex and men in general. It felt so mundane like I was dying inside. I wanted something more than they could give me. Sure the sex was good but there wasn’t any connection. Other than the sometimes faked orgasm I felt nothing.} A comma after "using them", after "or anything", after "mundane", after "Sure", and another after "good." There should be a quotation mark at the end.

{"Whoa you actually faked them?" Cassie asked in bewilderment} A comma after "Whoa", and a period after "bewilderment."

{Well yeah, if I didn’t they’d keep pounding away. Well the ones with actual stamina would keep pounding away. After I had sex I didn’t even want them touching me. Looking at that sweaty brute snoring away was kind of disgusting. I wanted something soft and affectionate.} A comma after "Well" (before "yeah), after "Well", and another after "sex."

{Someone who would be gentle and know how I felt. I was telling my best friend, and that’s sort of how I ended up making out with her. Next thing I knew I was doing the two finger tango to lesbian porn. You Cassie are most special of all. You know why? You’re the first girl I ever had a real crush on," Kristine admitted having another helping of pork chops.} A comma after "Kristine admitted."

{"Damn that’s such a cool life. Well not the whole slut thing, but I respect you so much for being proud of who you are. My high school life was hell. I couldn’t fit in no matter how hard I tried. My dad always told me to just worry about my grades. He said if I was truly a good person, life would only get harder.} A comma after "Well."

{Well seeing as how my life turned out, I must be a damn goodwill ambassador. I shouldn’t be complaining because I did meet you after all. That alone makes high school seem like a faded memory. So what about your parents? What were they like?" Cassie asked having a sip of wine.} A comma after "Well", after "I did meet you", and another after "Cassie asked."

{"My parents got divorced when I was five so I lived with my mom. I don’t really know my dad all that good. He wasn’t the interested father type. I probably saw him maybe four times growing up. My mom pretty much raised me all by herself. You know the one thing that really annoys me, both my parents are skinny! The only person that was ever fat in my family is my grandma. It sucks how it skipped my mom and went straight to me.} I believe there should be a comma after "five."

{Anyhow that’s all in the past now. I finally grew into my body; and everyone who ever gave me shit can kiss my ass. My nice soft bubbly ass," Kristine huffed.} A comma after "Anyhow."

{She downed the glass of wine pouring another.} A comma after "wine."

{She licked her lips savoring all three pork chops.} A comma after "lips."

{"Oh we’re not done yet. I made desert," Kristine announced while dashing to the kitchen.} A comma after "Oh."

{She sliced a nice piece ushering Cassie the plate.} A comma after "piece."

{She took the spongy dessert into her mouth feeling it melt.} A comma after "mouth."

{Cassie devoured the slice loving its delicate puffiness.} A comma after "slice."

{"Help yourself there’s plenty. So what’s the deal with your parents? Are they married, divorced, and how did they take your being gay?" Kristine asked.} A comma after "Help yourself", and another after "So."

{"Oh my god I’m so sorry about your father. It must have been rough on you," Kristine apologized.} A comma after "Oh my god." Drop "Kristine apologized." It's unnecessary (let the dialogue show it.)

{"Don’t worry about it. I’ve learned to cope…sometimes it gets me down but I manage. It felt like a TKO once he died. My whole life fell apart but I’m still here. That alone is an accomplishment. Really though I’m alright with it. When your time’s up there’s nothing you can do. Besides he left me with something very special," Cassie admitted.} A comma after "sometimes it gets me down", after "fell apart", before and after "though", and another after "Besides."

{"What’s that?" Kristine asked looking into her sparkling eyes.} A comma after "asked."

{"I sure as hell hope so. There’s one thing that’s been bugging me. You have such a nice house. What do you do for a living if you don’t mind me asking?" Cassie asked looking around the room.} A comma after "Cassie asked."

{"It’s nothing illegal; I’m a researcher for the Alderian Pharmaceutical Company. After high school I did a little plus size modeling. It wasn’t for me, too much drama. So at 19 I enrolled in college. I wanted to do something where I could help people. I originally went for nursing but switched to medicine. I can still go for my nursing license if I get four more credits in the class. I’m happy with my job though. See I really do have brains you know, don’t let the blonde hair fool you.} A comma after "nursing", and another after "See."

{Alderian has provided me with a quaint little life. I can’t complain its all good. It’s a little lonely having no one to share it with. Come on let go into the living room. I’ll take care of the dishes go make yourself comfortable," Kristine advised.} A comma after "complain", after "Come on", and another after "dishes." Also, "its all good" should be "it's all good."

{Cassie got up feeling the weight in her stomach.} A comma after "up."

{She dragged herself to the living room plopping down in the plush loveseat.} A comma after "living room."

{Her body ceased to move completely in love with the couch.} A comma after "move."

{She eyed the transparent material watching the curvy figure approaching.} A comma after "material."

{Kristine sat beside Cassie placing both hands on her knees.} A comma after "Cassie."

{It was truly breathtaking, something so common she had she long ignored.} "so common she had she long ignored" confused me. Maybe either a comma after "had"?

{Cassie met Kristine’s eyes watching her blush also.} A comma after "eyes."

{Cassie shook her head watching the gentle smile spread across Kristine’s full lips.} A comma after "head."

{"Nope was never fond of that stuff. They’re too cumbersome and I’m a light traveler. All I need is cash, ID and my keys. Besides if I carried a purse, people would start thinking I was a girl," Cassie smirked.} A comma after "Nope", and another after "Besides." "smirked" is not a tag, so a period after "girl."

{Kristine laughed at Cassie’s joke inching closer.} A comma after "joke."

{Kristine’s face burned with embarrassment placing her arm around Cassie.} A comma after "embarrassment."

{They remained silent only listening to the television.} A comma after "silent."

{"More than anything," Kristine whispered turning towards her.} A comma after "whispered."

{She closed her eyes drawing closer.} A comma after "eyes."

{Kristine opened her eyes seeing Cassie slowly open hers.} A comma after "eyes."

{She smiled looking into Cassie’s eyes.} A comma after "smiled."

{"My eyes are really brown," Cassie whispered not moving her eyes from Kristine.} A comma after "whispered."

{"Cassie…you know if you’re not doing anything later. Um would like, do you think you and I could well," Kristine fumbled trying to stay calm.} A comma after "you know", after "Um", and another after "fumbled."

{"What are you trying to say?" Cassie asked trying not to laugh.} A comma after "asked."

{"Cassie would you like to go out with me. Like on a real date?" Kristine pleaded.} A comma after "Cassie." Drop "Kristine pleaded." There are too many tags during this part of the dialogue.

{"Sure, I’d love to go out with you Kristine. I wanted to ask you the same thing. You don’t have to be so nervous just relax," Cassie said.} A comma after "nervous."

The transition seems confusing. I could tell that it was a flashback at the beginning of this chapter, but it could confusing for other readers. What I can suggest is to have the scene in italics and/or have a page break at the end of the flashback. It'll make the transition smooth and less confusing.
I found the dialogue during the flashback scene to be a tad preachy. It could be subtle and not forced - just the part where her father tells her about the big kids and that she has to learn how to ride without training wheels. Since it's a father daughter moment, have him encourage her that she can do it. Don't info dump - let it show through for the readers. Also, I figured that the flashback scene is important for Cassie's character development, so if that's the case, make it stronger; show and not tell. Correct me if I'm wrong about this.

I believe I told you this in another review, but I'm going to let you know again that when there's a dialogue between two people, not all lines should be tagged. Just add tags after the first two ("he/she said", etc.) and the rest without them, until there's a new action or when another character steps in.

Reading the first three chapters, I noticed that a lot of sentences were trying too hard to be active. I can understand that, as a writer, it can be hard to make sure at least a lot of sentences aren't passive. But most of the sentences are something like "Her heart raced, feeling her fingers trembled." And there are a lot of that kind so far in this story. That actually slows down the pacing. Write a variety of sentences - fragments, train of thought, etc. Be creative with Cassie's perspective. Don't be afraid to use "was", "had", etc. (just not a lot of them, of course.)

Good to read that Kristine actually does something for a living. :-)

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{"I can’t daddy it’s too hard," Cassie whined.} A comma after "daddy."

{They joy never left Cassie’s face when she removed the ribbon.} "They" should be "The."

{"Don’t push yourself so hard sweetheart. Just take you time and focus on staying straight. I’ll hold you, and when you feel confident tell me and I’ll let go okay," her father instructed.} I believe there should be a comma after "so hard", after "confident", and another after "let go."

{"Okay daddy," Cassie answered gripping the handlebars.} A comma after "answered."

{Her ride was no longer as carefree knowing she had no restraints.} I believe there should be a comma after "carefree."

{She smiled feeling the bike steady then she gave the signal.} A comma after "smiled", and another after "steady."

{"Okay let go," Cassie said.} A comma after "Okay."

{She cheered peddling faster feeling the bike wobble.} A comma after "cheered", and another after "faster."

{Cassie sat up wiping away her tears.} A comma after "up."

{"I can’t do it, daddy can I have my training wheels back?" Cassie cried.} A comma after "daddy."

{"No sweetheart, you’re going to do this. You can’t quit whenever things get too hard. I’m not going to have my daughter be a quitter do you hear that. It’s never easy learning to ride without your training wheels. All kids fall the first few times," He comfortingly explained.} A comma after "quitter", and a question mark after "hear that."

{"First few times! But I don’t wanna fall anymore it hurts. If I go to the park and fall, all the big kids are gonna laugh at me," Cassie cried in shame.} A comma after "anymore."

{"Cassie you have to realize they used training wheel too. They overcame their fear and learned to ride just like you are doing. Don’t you want to be able to ride faster and not have the wheels slow you down? Think about how much fun you could have with the bigger kids. You’re seven years old now, you’re too big for kiddy wheels," He further explained.} A comma after "Cassie."

{"I wanna ride with the ‘big kids’ daddy. I’m gonna try again so I can race in the park. I’m gonna be the best bike rider in the whole world!" Cassie proudly announced.} A comma after "'big kids.'"

{She stood up dusting off her shorts and took the seat once more.} A comma after "up", and another after "shorts."

{She held the handlebars slowly peddling.} A comma after "handlebars."

{Her heart raced feeling her fingers tremble.} A comma after "raced." Also, it's trembled.

{Again the bike wobbled, she moved to the other side.} A comma after "Again", and I believe "and" should be between "wobbled" and "she."

{"Huh, but I fell why are you clapping?" Cassie asked confused.} A comma after "fell", and another after "asked."

{"I’m happy because you rode to the end of the street all by yourself. You did fall but look how far you made it by yourself. Come on let’s tell mom, she’ll be thrilled to know what you did," He explained helping her up.} A comma after "fall", after "Come on", and another after "explained."

{"Wow I really did ride by myself. I wanna do it again daddy. I know I can go a lot farther this time. I have to keep the bike in the middle or I’m gonna fall. Please," Cassie begged.} A comma after "Wow", and another after "again."

{"Sure thing but after dinner, besides I have to get you cleaned up. You don’t want that cut to get infected," Her father advised.} A comma after "Sure thing", and another after "besides." "Her" should be lowercased.

{Cassie smiled remembering those truly fortunate days.} A comma after "smiled."

{As she drove every house had to be in the upper $300,0 mark.} A comma after "drove."

{"God don’t let her be loaded, she’ll treat me like a charity case," Cassie frowned.} I believe there should be a comma after "God." Also, "frowned" is not a tag, so a period after "case."

{Cassie’s let out a relieved sigh seeing it was a normal two story house.} A comma after "sigh."

{Even stranger there wasn’t a car in the drive way.} A comma after "Even stranger."

{She rang the doorbell looking at her reflection in the glass.} A comma after "doorbell."

{However being this was Kristine, she straightened her collar.} A comma after "However."

{To top it off she stood in red high heel platform pumps.} A comma after "off."

{Kristine’s smile faded seeing Cassie’s look of distress.} A comma after "faded."

{"Welcome to my humble abode, I hope you like it. I’m sure you can tell my favorite color is pink. It’s a little generic but what can I say it’s cute. I hope you’re hungry. I didn’t know what you like so I took a wild guess. I’ll admit upfront I’m not the best cook so you gotta bear with me. I’ll be a minute; I’m going to get everything ready. Please make yourself at home," Kristine giggled barely making eye contact.} A comma after "generic", and another after "can I say."

{She completely relaxed on the couch kicking off her sneakers.} A comma after "couch."

{Cassie wiggled her toes watching the puffy socks.} A comma after "toes."

{"Okay it’s ready, please come in," Kristine called form the living room.} "form" should be "from."

{It was composed of a long table fully decked out in china.} I believe there should be a comma after "table."

{Kristine stepped forward producing a rose from her back.} A comma after "forward."

{"That’s so sweet," Cassie dreamily thanked accepting the rose.} A comma after "thanked."

{It was baked golden brown begging for a taste.} A comma after "brown."

{It looked out of a commercial; complete with pink napkin underneath.} I believe "like" should be between "looked" and "out."

{Kristine sat down popping the wine cork.} A comma after "down."

{It shot across the room sailing into the kitchen.} A comma after "room."

{"Go ahead dig in, there’s more than enough for seconds. I love to eat as you can probably tell. I don’t mean to stare but you’re so pretty. I really hope I can make this as enjoyable as possible for you," Kristine said.} A comma after "Go ahead", and another after "stare."

{They ate and sipped champagne trading shy glances.} A comma after "champagne."

{"Look I gotta be honest here this just doesn’t seem right," Cassie announced.} A comma after "Look", and another after "here."

{"What’s wrong, did I undercook the pork? I followed the recipe. I’m sorry you don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it," Kristine pouted.} A comma after "I'm sorry."

{"No the food is excellent. It’s you that I don’t get. You’re drop dead gorgeous. Girls like me never have a snowball’s chance in hell with girls like you. So what gives here you’re so far out of my league. Come on something has to be wrong with you. What is it? Were you raped, low self esteem, abusive relationships, what am I missing here? I just can’t see why you’re so interested in me," Cassie asked feeling the confusion within her words.} A comma after "No", after "So", after "gives here", after "Come on", and another after "Cassie asked." "Were" should be "We're."

{Kristine’s closed her eyes tightly squeezing out the tears.} A comma after "tightly."

Corrections/Feedback (ch 3, pt 2):

{“Forget that I wanna know what she looks like. If she’s got you this flustered she must be fine,” Fabian smiled.} A comma after "Forget that", and another after "flustered." "Fabian smiled" is not a dialogue tag, so a period after "fine."

{“Her name’s Kristine and she’s 22, that’s all I know about her. We didn’t really talk much, but I’m having dinner with her tonight. As for her body she’s not even hot, she’s drop dead sexy. She has sinful curves and a killer rack. God you have you see her,” Cassie blushed.} A comma after "body", and another after "God." I think "God you have you see her" should be "God, you have to see her."

{“Kristine huh, that name sounds kinda plain like a granny. I don’t know I’m getting this picture of a frumpy middle aged woman. Well she’s a year younger than us so that’s cool. From the way you’re blushing I guess she is pretty,” Sally shrugged.} I believe there should be a question mark after "Kristine huh." A comma after "I don't know", after "Well", and another after "than us."

{“Okay, she looks like Shelby Morrison only three inches taller and a fuller body. You know that hourglass figure,” Cassie calmly answered.} A comma after "Shelby Morrison", and another after "You know."

{“Goddamn, Shelby’s got rocking body. Honestly though she’s all ass. She’s more of a pear shape I think. Her chest isn’t that big compared to her bottom. But since when was that your type? All you ever raised an eye at were the preps and cheerleaders,” Fabian asked.} A comma after "Honestly though", and another after "pear shape."

{“Yeah the horn dog here has a point. So you’re into the pleasantly plump girls now. I admire that fact that you’re broadening your horizons. There’s nothing wrong with girls like Shelby. If I were gay I’d probably hit on her, well if she weren’t so popular and we weren’t invisible,” Sally sighed.} A comma after "Yeah", and another after "well."

{“Admittedly she’s a teeny bit plump but I think it’s cute. She doesn’t have any sloppy rolls or anything. Kristine’s in the middle not fat but not thin either. Her body’s a little more on the thick side, it’s so sexy. That and her enormous boobs, they bounce whenever she moves. Kristine’s ass isn’t as wide as Shelby’s though. The skin is more firm and didn’t sag when she walked. It’s kind of shaped like an apple, well from how I saw it under her skirt. Her thighs looked so nice in that skirt,” Cassie blushed.} A comma after "plump", after "middle", after "not fat", and another after "well."

{“…And whose thighs are we talking about Ms. Alder,” Professor Smith asked with irritation.} A question mark after "Ms. Alder."

{He stood with arms crossed staring at the trio in disappointment.} A comma after "crossed."

{Cassie blushed deeper feeling the entire class turn in their direction.} A comma after "deeper."

{All eyes beamed on her awaiting her response.} A comma after "on her."

{She wanted to fade into oblivion anything to make them ignore her.} A comma after "oblivion."

{“I’m sorry it’s my fault professor. I’ll keep it to myself next time,” Cassie apologized.} A comma after "I'm sorry."

{“Very well but I’m a little shocked Ms. Alder. You three are among the most diligent students I’ve had in sometime. It’s the first time you’ve caused such uproar, especially you Mr. Rogers. Now that the matter is over, we’re having a surprise pop quiz. Pencils out and desks cleared!” Professor Smith ordered.} A comma after "Very well."

{“….sorry what can I say I’m a guy. It’s cool to hear chicks talking about chicks,” Fabian shrugged.} A comma after "sorry", and another after "I say."

{“So what are you up to for tonight? Fabian and I are going bowling wanna come?” Sally asked.} A comma after "So", and another one after "bowling."

{“Sorry I can’t, I’m having dinner with Kristine did you forget,” Cassie reminded.} A comma after "Sorry", and another after "Kristine." A question mark after "forget."

{“Oh yeah well have fun I want all the details tomorrow. Gotta run I’m late for World History II,” Sally said while running off with Fabian.} A comma after "Oh yeah", after "fun", and another after "Gotta run."

{“Well you can come now if you want. I’m in the pool. I hope your hungry I spend the last two hours making the perfect dinner. I really hope you’ll like it,” Kristine said.} A comma after "Well", and another after "hungry."

{“Believe me, as hungry as I am right now, nothing could pass my stomach,” Cassie laughed feeling her stomach growl.} A comma after "laughed."

{“Great I live in Fairvilla. The address is 285 Seaview Court. From the club you take a left on New Hampshire then straight down to lane ridge, then you take the jug handle onto the parkway. It’s the first exit then you go for a mile and you’ll see my street. It’s the second house with the green roof….don’t ask. So is that okay?” Kristine asked growing quiet.} A comma after "Great", after "From the club", after "New Hampshire", after "exit", after "So", and another after "Kristine asked."

{“Its fine I’m good with directions. Fairvilla is almost two towns away though. You really went far to find a girl huh. I’ll be there in about twenty five minutes. See you soon, bye,” Cassie said.} "Its fine" should be "It's fine." A comma after "It's fine", and another after "a girl." A question mark after "a girl, huh."

I hope this review is not spoiling anything (if my reviews do contain spoilers - I apologize if they do, although I'm trying to do that while critiquing - please do let me know.)

I like the characterization of Sally and Fabian. I hope to read more about them in later chapters, especially since, as a reader, I want to read more necessary details about them.

I noticed that some of the dialogue tags aren't tags at all. If it's something like "she nudged", "she motioned", etc., that is not a tag and there should be a period, not a comma, after the dialogue line. I also noticed that "..." is included in the dialogue. If you want to leave it there, that's fine, but showing that there's a pause rather than adding the ellipsis is recommended. It's fine if this was manga or an anime fanfic, (which is not, of course) but just to let you know, it is actually frowned upon in the literary world.

I actually have a problem with Cassie's feelings towards Kristine in this chapter. It seems like she's mostly lusting after her. If these two are going to end up together, there has to be at least some depth into their relationship. As a Lesbian, why is Cassie attracted to her, other than physically? To be honest, (and I really have to say it) it feels like fanservice at this point. If you want to make this story memorable (it doesn't matter if it's mainstream or literary) it has to have meaning. Put a connection; have it relatable. It's fine if you want to have a sexy girl as the main character's love interest, but it shouldn't always have to be superficial. Not all curvy ladies in the real world are shallow and/or ditzy, thinking about sex and whatnot.

The rest of the corrections for this chapter will be in an anonymous review.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Cassie smiled lightly walking over to her tip jar.} A comma after "lightly."

{She held it in her hands weaving through the bills.} A comma after "hands."

{For Cassie it was truly the highlight of the night receiving that twenty.} A comma after "For Cassie."

{She was soaked in sweat with satisfied smile on her face.} "a" between "with" and "satisfied."

{Her tiny shirt strained to contain them much to everyone’s approval.} I believe there should be a comma after "them."

{Cassie slowly reached forward fighting to touch the flesh.} A comma after "forward."

{Kristine giggled emanating the smell of alcohol off her breath.} A comma after "giggled."

{She smiled deeper staring Cassie down before staggering away.}

{Kristine sat out the rest of the night rolling around in the chair.} I believe there should be a comma after "night."

{A guard followed her making sure everything was alright.} A comma after "followed her."

{No matter what Cassie played Kristine danced to it.} I believe there should be a comma after "played."

{“Hey don’t get cocky because you pulled in a lot of tips tonight,” Gretchen snidely remarked.} A comma after "Hey."

{“I was just thinking about something,” Cassie mumbled realizing she was still holding the jar.} A comma after "mumbled."

{“Ah forget it anyway ship out, I’m closing up for the night,” Gretchen announced.} A comma after "Ah", and I believe another one after "anyway." Drop "Gretchen announced." It's unnecessary and the readers will infer that it's her speaking (when there are two characters talking, don't tag every line.)

{Cassie got her things watching the custodians clean the floor and bathrooms.} A comma after "things."

{She put the tip money in her pocket and said her goodbye’s before leaving.} I believe it's goodbyes.

{Nearly half asleep, she collapsed on the bed dreaming of fondling Kristine.} A comma after "bed."

{Cassie sat on the warm floor leaning against her bed.} A comma after "floor."

{Early morning patter slowly dissipated the once emanating darkness.} I think "patter" should be "pattern." I also think that "the" should be before "Early."

{Cassie sat in the darkness clutching the wrinkled napkin.} A comma after "darkness."

{She continually wrinkled the paper staring at the numbers.} A comma after "paper."

{The words looped within Cassie mind driving her deeper into depression.} "Cassie" should be "Cassie's." And a comma after "mind."

{She sat wrapped within her arms crying softly to herself.} A comma after "arms."

{The morning sun bled through the blinds striping her room in a warm glow.} A comma after "blinds."

{The alarm came to life blasting her favorite radio station.} A comma after "life."

{“She thinks I’m pretty,” Cassie whispered watching herself blush.} A comma after "whispered."

{Cassie smiled looking into those comforting blue eyes.} A comma after "smiled."

{They gave her a slightly comforting feeling; a feeling that maybe things could for once be alright.} I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, "alright" is incorrect (unless intentional, like dialogue, for example.) It's "all right."

{It was powerfully nauseating sending her to the bathroom.} A comma after "nauseating."

{She knelt over the toilet purging herself of delusional thoughts.} A comma after "toilet."

{She proudly displayed her lifestyle even though it limited her range.} I believe there should be a comma after "lifestyle."

{Then again what if it was a fake number?} A comma after "again."

{Again Cassie felt her heart jump.} A comma after "again."

{“Well it wouldn’t hurt to just call and make sure it’s a real number,” Cassie nervously wondered.} A comma after "Well."

{“I knew it was too good to be true. It’s not fair. What would someone that hot want with me?” Cassie cried.} "What" should be "Why." This could be dropped. Unless Cassie really does talk to herself, this is unnecessary. Let the actions show this for the readers.

{This morning Cassie poured a bowl of cereal.} A comma after "This morning."

{“Dammit. To hell with her then! I wasn’t interested in that big tittied bubble head anyway!” Cassie scoffed balling her fist.} A comma after "scoffed."

{She lowered her head sniffling.} A comma after "head."

{Cassie looked into the bowl dumping a scoop of sugar in the center.} A comma after "bowl."

{Cassie wasn’t that oblivious after all running though her notes.} A comma before and after "after all."

{She managed to keep her grades very high, still shy of the deans list.} dean's list.

{She only had two classes today so the afternoon looked good.} A comma after "today."

{That was a slim chance being a psychology major.} I believe there should be a comma after "chance."

{“I need some eggs and cheese, maybe some bread too oh yeah and orange juice. I’ll swing by the store after school,” Cassie thought aloud.} A comma after "bread too", and another after "oh yeah."

{She left her apartment locking the door when she heard a sound.} A comma after "apartment", and another after "door."

{Closer she leaned listening to the distinct ringing.} A comma after "leaned."

{Quickly she pushed in her key and opened the door.} A comma after "Quickly."

{Cassie raced to the phone nearly tripping over the couch.} A comma after "phone."

{“…is that you Cassie. I’m sorry I was sleeping and didn’t hear the phone,” Kristine admitted while yawning.} A question mark after "Cassie." A comma after "I'm sorry."

{“Cassie are you there? Did I upset you, please don’t be angry….,” Kristine apologized.} A comma after "Cassie." Drop "Kristine apologized." Let the dialogue line show it.

{“Did you really mean what you said about me being pretty,” Cassie quietly asked.} A question mark after "pretty."

{“Of course I meant every word of it. I think you’re a very pretty woman Cassie. To me you were the prettiest girl in the club last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I had such a great dream too,” Kristine explained in a softer tone.} I believe there should be a comma after "Of course."

{“Okay then, I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll tell you about my dream. Well I won’t hold you up anymore see you later Cassie,” Kristine said before hanging up.} A comma after "Well", and another after "anymore."

{Even better they were going to have dinner later on.} A comma after "Even better."

{Most importantly what was it that attracted her to Cassie.} A comma after "importantly", and a question mark at the end.

{She didn’t like to be so down on herself but it was in her nature.} A comma after "herself."

{Cassie though felt far more ashamed in her ignorance of people in general.} A comma before and after "though."

{Her mother taught her to be proud yet look for even prouder.} A comma after "proud."

{Cassie grabbed her bag walking through the huge double doors.} A comma after "bag."

{She yawned having a seat in the back with the other outcasts.} A comma after "yawned."

{Sally wisped away her brunette locks slumping into her seat.} A comma after "away."

{She smiled at Cassie, her smile was always friendly not matter her mood.} "not" should be "no." A comma after "friendly."

{He was a good guy just a little perverted than most.} A comma after "guy."

{Like Sally he was one of her true friends.} A comma after "Sally."

{“Hey Cassie you ready for the surprise quiz?” Fabian asked.} A comma after "Cassie."

{“Sometimes I wonder who’s more girl crazy you or Cassie,” Sally grumbled.} A comma after "crazy."

{“Come on Sally you’re acting like I have dates lined up. I met her last night at work. To answer your question Fabian, she’s so hot. I couldn’t believe she was even talking to me,” Cassie said in a taunting manner.} A comma after "Sally."

{“Well I for one am happy for you. It’s been a long time since you’ve been this happy. So what’s her name, what does she do for a living, hold old is she? I want details!” Sally excitedly asked.} A comma after "Well." A question mark after "So what's her name", and after "what does she do for a living." "hold" should be "how."

Corrections/Feedback (ch 2, pt 2):

{Kristine shivered at the touch against her skin but waited with lips poised.} A comma after "skin."

{"Look I’m really sorry but I have to go, shit I’m late," Cassie announced tossing the pad into dumpster.} A comma after "Look", after "sorry", and another after "announced."

{"Wait...I…but…damn why don’t I ever get the girl? What did I do wrong this time?" Kristine nearly screamed.} A comma after "damn."

{"Kristine you have a damn nice body, trust me once you go on the floor people will flock to you," Cassie confided.} A comma after "Kristine", and another after "trust me."

{"I know they will but you don’t understand. That’s not what I’m looking for. I want something more than just a good time. I’ve been in a drought for a while now. I just wanna get laid dammit! Why is it to hard to get girls to like me? I know we just met and all but…," Kristine pleaded.} A comma after "they will." Omit the comma after the dialogue line.

{"I never thought I’d see the day some like you would be pleading for me. I’d really love to stay out here with you but I really have to go. I’m sure we’ll see each other inside," Cassie admitted.} A comma after "with you."

{"No I’m the DJ and I’ve gotta go set up so I’ll see you around," Cassie smiled.} A comma after "No", and another after "set up."

{"Hey wait up we’re going the same place after all. I didn’t even get your name…please," Kristine yelled running behind Cassie.} A comma after "Hey", after "wait up", and another after "yelled."

{With that she ran inside leaving Kristine to her own accord.} I believe there should be a comma after "inside."

{She wasn’t sure why but Cassie actually felt guilty for blowing Kristine off.} A comma after "why."

{Normally she was all for similarly slender or uber femmes.} A comma after "Normally."

{Not exactly the epitome femininity herself, Cassie avoided own classification.} I believe "of" should be after "epitome", and "her" after "avoided."

{Kristine’s body was as they said on the streets ‘thick’.} A comma before and after "as they said on the streets."

{She wasn’t skinny but she wasn’t fat either.} A comma after "skinny."

{"Cassie sweetie you’re late. I don’t pay you to squander away my customers. Now set up and get going. Just because it’s Thursday doesn’t mean we won’t be packed. Speaking of which, I’ll need you here an hour early tomorrow. We’re having a special guest and she asked for you personally. Don’t ask why I guess you’ve building up a fan base," her boss shrugged.} A comma after "Cassie", after "sweetie", and another after "ask why." I think "you've" should be "you're."

{"Why is it you’re the only employee that insists on calling me by my first name? I write your checks you know. The least you could do is show me some respect!" Gretchen demanded.} A comma after "checks."

{"You gotta give it to get it," Cassie slyly retorted putting in her mixed CD.} A comma after "retorted."

{"Not tonight Cassie," Gretchen warned.} A comma after "tonight."

{"Oh tell me what you think of this CD. I’ve been working on some new mixes and I made this awesome beat. They’re pretty bass heavy but they get harder towards the end," Cassie admitted.} A comma after "Oh", and another after "heavy."

{"You always gotta try to be different don’t you? Well it’s hard to complain as you’ve boosted sales every night you work. Did you see that blonde in the ass skirt? She was checking you out when you came in. I bet she’s gonna get her back broken tonight," Gretchen smiled.} A comma after "different", and another after "Well."

{"Nah she’s a lesbian, we were talking outside. She’s really nice but I think she has relationship problems. That and she’s not really good at communicating her feelings. Well that’s what I think we only talked for a few minutes, but sometimes I can tell these things. Kind of like a lesbian sixth sense or something," Cassie smiled.} A comma after "Nah", after "nice", and another after "Well."

{"Don’t worry I’m sure she can handle herself. Anyway it’s time for me to do my thing," Cassie admitted while pressing play.} A comma after "Don't worry", and another after "Anyway."

{Each gyration raised her skirt exposing her teeny lace thong.} A comma after "skirt."

{They of course didn’t have the body of Kristine; but being such an atmosphere the three of them owned the floor.} A comma before and after "of course." Another comma after "atmosphere."

{It was interesting watching her push the men away trying to get the girls.} I believe there should be a comma after "away."

{Tonight however she was transfixed on Kristine.} A comma before and after "however."

{"I got you a drink," Kristine offered holding the plastic cup.} A comma after "offered."

{"I’m sorry but I can’t; I have class in the morning. I’m gonna be here till three. After that I go straight to bed so I can get up at seven. I’d really like to get to know you better, if that’s okay with you. I just want to see if there is a chance for something to develop. This isn’t a blow off so what do you say?" Cassie asked.} A comma after "I'm sorry", after "After that", and another after "blow off."

{"Of course I’d love to get to know you better too. Hold on let me find a pen, I’ll give you my number," Kristine said while going off in search of a pen.} A comma after "Hold on."

{"Oh my god, imagine if I can get with her. She’d be my girlfriend, oh damn that would rock. Then again she looks a little high maintenance. Could I really keep her happy on a shoe string budget? She’s so hot though I have to at least try. I don’t even want to have sex with her. I want to make love….it’s been so long. I want to touch her breasts," Cassie drooled.} A comma after "Then again", and another after "hot."

{"Yey, I found one. Here’s my cell, call me when you get out from school. Don’t eat anything I’ll make you dinner…or lunch. Sorry…I sound pretty desperate don’t I?" Kristine shamefully asked looking away.} A comma after "anything", after "desperate", and another after "asked."

{"Great so it’s a date then. I’m so happy I’m gonna have a hot girl over tomorrow. I have to clean, oh it’s gonna be a long day. Thanks so much I feel so comfortable with you. I’m not weird I just get really nervous around girls. This is the first time I’ve really taken any initiative in getting a girl. I think you’re really pretty Cassie. This is so embarrassing but I think I have a crush on you. …I gotta go dance," Kristine admitted turning beet red.} A comma after "Great", after "oh", after "Thanks so much", after "weird", after "pretty", and another after "admitted."

{Cassie held the napkin in her hand displaying those powerful numbers.} A comma after "hand."

{"Oh sweetest score," Cassie whispered replacing her headphones.} A comma after "Oh", and another after "whispered."

{She smiled seeing she made a new girl friend, now if only….} A comma after "smiled", and I can suggest either a semi-colon or period after "girl friend."

Okay, I'm going to have to critique on SOME of the dialogue in this chapter. During the part when Cassie and Kristine are talking about them being Lesbians, it honestly felt stilted. I asked myself if people, regardless of sexual orientation, talk like this. I believe everyone experiences things differently, but when it comes to meeting a girl that I will come to fall for later, I don't then tell her in the same moment/day that I'm a Lesbian, and that I'm cool if she likes girls too (unless it's in a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting or something similar.) If a girl stares at me, I wouldn't automatically assume that she's Gay (or ask right away.) Of course there's Gaydar, but from my experience that's not always the case (in real life, some people - even straight - are curious about the same sex (mostly during puberty) and would find themselves staring.)

I like the urban feel, the necessary details you provided about the club, and the characterization of Gretchen. It's just the interaction between the main character and Kristine that feels a bit unrealistic (at least to me it does.)

The rest of the corrections will be in an anonymous review.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Cassie narrowed her eyes knowing full well she was shafted by the owner.} I believe there should be a comma after "eyes."
{Rather the club owner was an obnoxious bitch.} A comma after "Rather."

{Her boss knew that as well but compensated her financially.} A comma after "well."

{Finally after a group of drunken club hoppers passed, Cassie made it to her spot.} A comma after "Finally."

{Fortunately; the noise startled the urinating patron by the dumpster.} I wonder if the position of the semi-colon is intentional (?).

{She slowly pulled into her spot trying to avoid the puddle against the wall.} A comma after "spot."

{Cassie turned off the car not even wanting to inspect the damage.} A comma after "car."

{She grabbed her music unenthusiastically opening the door.} A comma after "music" (or after "unenthusiastically"?).

{Surprisingly the bumper wasn’t damaged at all.} A comma after "Surprisingly."

{She let out a sigh of relief walking towards the club.} A comma after "relief."

{Seconds later Cassie heard a splat as she picked up her foot.} A comma after "Seconds later."

{Something weakly pulled on her boot. Nervously Cassie looked down at the puddle of vomit.} "Something weakly" needs to be reworded. It came off as a weak phrase and not effective. Show that it's vomit (describe the smell, what it looks like, etc.) A comma after "Nervously."

{She clenched the CD’s nearly to the point of cracking them before calming.} I think it's CDs.

{"Are you okay," asked a mature voice.} A question mark after "okay."

{Her stomach not completely flat was perfect for the midriff shirt.} A comma before and after "not completely flat."

{She lifted her head trying not to stare too hard.} A comma after "head."

{The woman’s cheeks grew red spreading across her entire face.} A comma after "red."

{"I’m sorry I didn’t mean to stare, you have nice lips," Cassie admitted.} A comma after "I'm sorry."

{She held a sealed packet of some sort pushing it towards Cassie.} A comma after "sort."

{"Thank you Kristine, I don’t mean to be rude or anything but are those real?" Cassie asked while wiping the sides of her boot.} I believe there should be a comma after "anything."

{"Oh god this is so embarrassing, I’m wearing a sports bra and it’s not helping. Yes they’re homegrown. I figured I’d make some use of them for once. I’ve heard clubs are a great way to meet new people. I’m still kind of new to this whole you know, lifestyle," Kristine whispered blushing deeper.} A comma after "god", after "Yes", and another after "whispered."

{"So you are then! I was a little curious when I saw you looking at me. It’s totally okay to feel nervous. It’s not like the world’s waiting for you with open arms you know. Don’t feel bad though; I can already tell you’re gonna have a good night. Especially with that outfit everyone will want a piece of you," Cassie complimented.} A comma after "open arms", and another after "outfit."

{"You really like my outfit? Be honest do you think my skirt is too short? I wanted something to get noticed, but I might have gone a little overboard," Kristine asked turning around.} A comma after "honest", and another after "asked."

{With any movement such as dancing it would be easily viewable.} A comma after "dancing."

{Its roundness further spread the skirt making it appear even smaller.} A comma after "skirt."

{Nonetheless it definitely turned Cassie on and that was the intent.} A comma after "Nonetheless."

{After the long silence Kristine slowly turned around.} A comma after "silence."

{She looked at Cassie waiting for her honest answer.} A comma after "Cassie."

{"The skirt is pretty short but it also shows off your bubble butt. It’s quite nice if you don’t mind me saying. It’s no big deal though; I can almost guarantee someone will have on a shorter skirt. It is a night club after all," Cassie casually informed.} I believe there should be a comma after "short."

{"I guess you’re right. You probably think I’m some overly pretentious bubble head. I get it all the time with the blonde hair and all. The big chest and butt don’t help. Well it did get all the nerds to do my homework for me in high school. All I had to do in return was just be seen with them," Kristine giggled.} A comma after "Well." "giggled" is not a dialogue tag, so a comma after "seen with them."

{Cassie frowned at the last comment being she was one of those nerds.} A comma after "comment."

{That was of course high school, since then Cassie matured on some levels.} A comma before and after "of course", and I can suggest a semi-colon after "high school."

{Still she now held a slight resentment for the gorgeous woman before her.} A comma after "Still."

{Kristine’s eyes went wide spotting the CD’s in Cassie’s hand.} A comma after "wide."

{"Whoa you listen DJ Elitist! He makes the most awesome dance mixes. I love him so much. Well I don’t mean physically because I don’t date guys….you know what I mean," Kristine blabbed suddenly growing quiet.} A comma after "Whoa", after "Well", and another after "blabbed." I believe "to" should be between "listen" and "DJ."

{"I’m not really into this type of music. I listen to him to study his techniques. He has a way with synthesizing beats and vocals that’s unreal. That and he always has the hottest girls on the cover of his albums. I want to be able to mix like him one day. But for now I go by my own style, I’ve been told I’m good. But as they say, you are your toughest critic. So I suck," Cassie laughed.} A comma after "That", and another after "But for now."

{Kristine laughed looking into Cassie’s eyes, then downwards again.} A comma after "laughed."

{Whenever she did it was less than a second.} A comma after "it."

{Suddenly Kristine bent down, Cassie’s eyes followed.} A comma after "suddenly." I can suggest either a semi-colon after "down", or change "followed" to "following."

{She knelt tying Cassie’s boot lace; it apparently had come undone in the previous mess.} A comma after "knelt."

{Seconds later Kristine shot up with a gigantic bounce in her chest.} A comma after "later."

{"Um I think so, I don’t want to be single it sucks. Sure I hang out with people and get into clubs free, but it’s only because of my body. I’m not some ditz I had a 3.8 GPA in high school. Not because I had all the nerds doing my homework.} A comma after "Um", after "single", after "Sure", and another after "ditz."

{I really am smart, I’m just a procrastinator and I guess that’s why I’m still single. I’m gonna be 23 in a few days and for what. I look back and see my accomplishments…like I had any. Oh my god I didn’t mean to talk you ear off. You probably don’t wanna hear about my menial life anyway. Again I apologize," Kristine said with a look of regret.} A comma after "few days", and a question mark after "for what." A comma after "god." I believe "you ear off" should be "your ear off." A comma after "Again."

{"You like girls that’s good enough to be cool with me. You’re not bad on the eyes either. Damn you sure do blush easily. Either you for some godforsaken reason have low self esteem, or you’re checking me out. I can also tell you really are new at the whole lesbian thing. Speaking of which, what are you a lesbo or bi-curious?" Cassie asked.} A comma after "You like girls", after "Damn", and another after "what are you."

{"I’m finished with men; I have been for over a year now. I always sorta liked girls but always thought it was just a phase. Lo and behold I was tonguing my best friend one night. We both agreed it was best to remain friends. Well that and she was straight. I’ve been digging girls ever since, but I haven’t actually had sex with any. I hadn’t found any girl that really turned me on that way…," Kristine admitted slowly looking into Cassie’s eyes.} A comma after "sorta liked girls", after "Well", and another after "slowly."

{Cassie raised an eyebrow eying Kristine’s body once again. She could feel her heart beating faster knowing they held a common interest.} A comma after "eyebrow", and another after "faster."

{Before she knew what happened they were near face to face.} I believe there should be a comma after "happened."

{With such a body Cassie was taken aback.} I believe there should be a comma after "body."

{She brought a hand to Kristine’s face feeling the warmth.} A comma after "face."

I actually like how you conveyed Cassie's emotions. To me, it wasn't overdone, nor was it "fake emotional." Good job in that area. :-)

The details you provided about her life and family were necessary and to the point, which is impressive.

There were some passive sentences, and even some that could be reworded and/or combined, but this is a good start. I'll admit that from what I learned, having the main character wake up in the beginning of the story is overused these days. If done right, it could be overlooked. This story still caught my interest though, even if it kind of drag on for me (to be honest.) I personally felt like the plot could move forward, with interaction and settings, instead of having it being paced slowly. But it's just a suggestion.

I'll definitely read the rest when I get the chance and hopefully give you a more detailed review. :-)

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Lazily she wiped the sleep from her eyes following a stretch.} A comma after "Lazily", and another after "eyes." "following a stretch" could be reworded [ex: followed by a stretch.]

{Her alarm clock suddenly went off indicating she was ahead of schedule.} A comma after "off."

{She sat on the edge of the bed scratching her stomach.} A comma after "bed."

{“Well at least its payday,” Cassie shrugged.} A comma after "Well." Also, I don't believe "shrugged" is a dialogue tag, so a period after the dialogue line.

{She stood up half dragging herself to the bathroom.} A comma after "stood up."

{No matter how hard she tried, Cassie just couldn’t relate to 98 of society.} I believe "percent" should be between "98" and "of."

{Cassie felt the water making sure the temperature was just right.} A comma after "water."

{She stepped in the tub relaxing in the warm sea of elation.} A comma after "tub."

{Afterwards Cassie drained the tub and walked over to the sink.} A comma after "Afterwards."

{She opened the medicine cabinet retrieving her contacts.} A comma after "cabinet."

{Yet she wore them every time to simply remind herself.} A comma after "Yet."

{There are many things that she may not understand, but there are some that are better left.} I could be wrong, but it feels like there's a word missing after "left" (unsaid, behind, etc.)

{Lining up the second lens, Cassie blinked setting them in place.} A comma after "blinked."

{It bothered Cassie to rummage through it finding a style.} A comma after "through it."

{“Not bad babe,” Cassie complimented her reflection.} I believe there should be a comma after "bad."

{She raised the bottom exposing her belly button then lowered it again.} A comma after "bottom."

{She wanted individualize herself; but going at it in such a generic matter ruined the exclusivity.} "to" between "wanted" and "individualize."

{Being so Cassie’s father was a multimillionaire, he passed away two years ago.} A comma after "Being so."

{The news took her very hard sending her into withdrawal.} A comma after "hard."

{It was very wrecking situation in many ways.} "a" after "was."

{Her mother though she loved him, was more concerned about the will.} A comma after "mother."

{Speaking of which Cassie received the lion’s share of the inheritance.} A comma after "which."

{Upon turning 25 years of age; Cassie would inherit twenty five million dollars.} I could be wrong, but I think the semi-colon should be a comma instead.

{Now at twenty three years old in her junior year of college, she felt more depressed than ever.} I believe there should be a comma after "old."

{They had a close relationship but that was just it.} A comma after "relationship."

{After the will reading it all went straight to hell.} A comma after "reading."

{Still her mother sent her a $700 check every month to make due with living expenses.} A comma after "Still."

{In a way her mother was right, she was faithful and a good wife.} A comma after "way."

{After 25yrs of marriage she should have been a little better compensated.} I can suggest "25yrs" be "25 years."

{Her husband however saw her true qualities in her conniving ways.} A comma before and after "however."

{Cassie looked into the mirror fastening her dog tag collar.} A comma after "mirror."

{She looked herself up and down sliding on her black wrist bands.} A comma after "down."

{Cassie looked into the mirror at her spiked hair, black tee shirt, black jeans and boots and blue eyes.} A comma after "boots."

{Deeper her heart sank reliving the ultimate lows of her solitude.} A comma after "sank."

{Casie’s heart ached holding that razor against her flesh.} "Casie's" should be "Cassie", and a comma after "ached."

{Deeper she pushed the blade freeing herself from disparity.} A comma after "blade."

{She watched the tears fall whispering apologetic pleas.} A comma after "fall."

{Still she looked within her eyes for their much needed comfort.} A comma after "Still."

{Cassie cursed herself only crying harder in the end.} A comma after "herself."

{Within the hyperactive sexually charged club atmosphere; Cassie blended seamlessly.} I think the semi-colon should be a comma.

{Cassie looked at the dark marks along her wrists feeling it once again.} A comma after "wrists."

{Cassie touched the marks remembering her father’s face.} A comma after "marks."

{She felt the rigid texture seeing her mother near hysterical at the will reading.} A comma after "texture."

{She thought hard for a moment fighting the urge for the release.} A comma after "moment."

{Cassie fell towards mirror catching herself.} "the" between "towards" and "mirror", and a comma after "mirror."

{She rose her head looking again into her reflection.} A comma after "head."

{Those blue eyes so sad and alone cried with her.} A comma before and after "so sad and alone."

{Her lips moved fogging the mirror before her, yet she could hear no sound.} A comma after "moved."

{All Cassie had within her life was music, loneliness and his eyes; she felt pathetic to carry on such a seemingly false premise.} A comma after "loneliness."

{Sadly the revelation never came to pass.} A comma after "Sadly."

{He was the only man she every loved, and he left before she could tell him she loved women.} ever loved.

{It never made much sense to her but nonetheless it became second nature.} A comma after "to her."

{“Oh great where’d I put my deodorant,” Cassie grumbled looking through her dresser.} A comma after "great", a question mark after "deodorant", and a comma after "grumbled."

{She sighed walking to her car, a used 1989 piece of shit.} A comma after "sighed."

{She opened the door sliding her school books aside.} A comma after "door."

{Scattered along the seat were her mixed CD’s albums and track sheets.} I could be wrong, but I think it's CD albums.

{Cassie grimly frowned remembering her true baby.} A comma after "frowned."

{It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon Cassie’s father took her to the car dealer.} This sentence confused me. It feels like "when" should be between "afternoon" and "Cassie's."

{In that day he took 17yr old Cassie to a used car dealer.} I believe there should be a comma after "day."

{“Choose anyone you want dear, remember this is your first car. Treat it well and it will treat you well. Come on there has to be something that tickles your fancy,” he laughed rubbing her shoulder.} A comma after "Come on."

{She ran her hands along the warm metal feeling the electric touch. } A comma after "metal."

{“Daddy this is the only thing I want. I swear you don’t have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas. This one thing is more than I could ever thank you for,” Cassie pleaded.} A comma after "Daddy."

{“Oh thank you so much daddy, you’re the greatest. I can’t believe this is gonna be my car. You won’t regret this I promise I’ll work even harder to make you proud,” Cassie cheered barely containing her excitement.} A comma after "Oh", after "regret this", and another after "cheered."

{She jumped up and down staring at the car.} A comma after "down."

{She sighed knowing her feelings were troublesome.} A comma after "sighed."

{She raised her head confidently meeting the beautiful woman’s smile.} A comma after head.

{“Hello my name is Laura, do you see anything you like?” Laura asked.} A comma after "Hello." Laura asked could be she asked. It's already established in the dialogue that her name is Laura.

{“…Most definitely, Cassie blushed} A quotation mark after "definitely", and a period after "blushed."

{Cassie smiled enjoying her perfect life provided by her one and only hero.} A comma after "smiled."

{Unfortunately fate does have a way of intervening.} A comma after "Unfortunately."

{She calmed giving herself a minute to recuperate.} A comma after "calmed."

{Cassie took a deep breath, smiled and turned the key.} A comma after "smiled."

Ah, been awhile since i got a chance to catch up on this fic. O.o; I was sorta disturbed for a chapter..or so... Dear god..I dun think I would want my mom around for some that stuff.. or any of it really lol. Anyways can't wait to read more. O.o Only thing i wanna point out is on some your dialogue you forget to end the quotes so I have to re-read the sentence again.. XD Sorry for complaining..>.>; just an annoying quirk of mine. As always I shall be stalking..even if it takes me months to get cought up again.. *Looks at other works of yours she's so far behind on*

-Mikie.