Come on, don't leave me hanging-update! It's a great story, your prose is good and I haven't seen many grammatical errors. Keep it up, E.

There aren't any formatted spaces between the different sections here. There are several spelling and grammar errors. Also, improbability. The Pharoh, I don't think, would go around beating slaves. Unless he's a sadist and does so for fun. He'd probrably have someone else do it for him.

Same for the earlier chapters and disrespect to the Pharoh. As a note, you may want to consider explaining exactly how Fen got to be in the Guard instead o fthe harm or something. And there might just be a few more kitchen aides than one...

I found this good Egypt site awhile ago (somewhere) andif I find it again I'll give you the address so you can stuff in any Egyptian realisms or mannarisms you please.

okay, finished reading it. very cool. i like the man in the dirty robes that turned the water to blood. you made it sound more mysterious when you didn't mentin his name, so i want to compliment you on that. I like how the story is progressing, i am curious as to who Jehrome is to Fen, and i am curious if Rai will be jealous of the embrace. You changed Stien's name to Psenmin, i think. if i am wrong, ignore this. but it looks like you changed his name. you might want to go back to ch. 4 and make the change to avoid confusion.

um...i'm reading your story, i like it alot, but there are a few details about egyption mythology that are wrong. anubis is not Ra's brother. there are a few more. othere than that, this is really good.

Firstly, don't use text-message abbreviations in prose- like 'thru'. It's not correct and it makes you look stupid, which I know you're not. But, that aside, I enjoyed this chapter. This story's a fun read-update soon!

One thing bugs me about this otherwise good chapter- Who is Psenmin? There wasn't anyone by that name in the previous chapter.

Hey, great stuff. The exchange betweem Fen and Rai was pretty funny. :P

"After the ‘split-splat’ of the chefs footsteps had faded" - 'chefs' needs an apostrophe.

"This promised to be and interesting arrangement." - 'and' should be 'an'.

Thus, the only two things I noticed.

Keep it up!

Ahem ahem, my sister. Ahem. That's all I have to say about that. And you know what I mean.

Btw - DO NOT write through as 'thru'. Improper and incorrect and sure as crap confusing. Don't do it. You'll bug the prospective readers.

*smile* Just a note.

BB - Arej

...Intresting...

Yay for plot twists!

Anywho...more to read... Yay for updates!

BB - Willow

Hiya! Reviewin' as I read...

Great opening paragraph! I really like the 'feet coated with a thick layer of dirt and grime" bit, very descriptive.

Second paragraph - "then took off again down a road leading west." - I don't think you need to say 'west'. Unless it comes in later, you could just say 'left' or 'right' (depending on which way west goes). It would help so that I could picture in my head which way the girl ran.

Third paragraph was great, made me wonder: have you seen "The Ten Commandments"? :P That scene you wrote reminded me of the mud pits in it. Very descriptive :D

"What I mean to say is that as soon as Ramses sees her, he’ll have her killed.”" - Shouldn't he refer to Ramses as 'Pharoah'? Mind you, they are alone, so perhaps these two don't care about titles in private.

"You know yourself how many of the men would simply slice her through without a second thought, then find out she was a girl and say “Oops.” " - you need to put single quotes around 'Oops'. This is just 'cause it's a quote, so to speak, and they aren't any closing quotes for the dialogue after it.

Completo! Well, this was excellent work! :D I hope I wasn't being too picky, but just trying to help ya out. Feel free to be identically picky with my story :P. Anyway, I hope to review again on the long weekend.

Keep it up!

Hey!

Fen's got a boyfriend...Fen's got a boyfriend!

Tee hee. I love annoying you, big sis.

Though I must ask. In the last half, did I go poof?

*smile* Obviously hyped, must fly.

BB - Willow

Good. A little choppy, but good. I;m liking this.

And there is SO something going on between you and my brother. (Sorry I made you get hurt, Fen.) Oops.

See 'ya tomorrow, sis!

I'm not sure if it's because of the fact that it's almost three in the morning and I'm in sort of a sleepy haze that I'm so wildly excited about your story, but I am. This is great! I can't get over how amazing your writing is! The story... the characters... it's all so good! Again, this might be the sleepiness talking, but this is by far the best story I've read on fictionpress as of now. I can't wait for more!

~E1pnvn

Hey, sis. Reviewing. Because I'm bored.

Ha.

It's still wimpy, I don't care what you say about how many chapters you've 'stockpiled', you only have 3 posted. Wimpy! Ha! I beat you!

Anyway. Great writing. Keep going. For I shall smite you!

AND THE EARTH WITH DEFEAT FIRE!

BB- Arej

Hey guys, Because I don't really wnat to bother editing a chappy to say somethin', I'll just do it this way. Thanx for reviewing, and thanks for the spell check. And I'm not even kidding, because more often than not, I will make a mistake. ^.^. Anyhoot, talk atcha later! Sihnge