I OBJECT Whyette, This is art, its origiinal, she feels to ryhme only whey necissery. This abstract approach conveys the life of Suz her ups n down her good and bad points. Truley brilliant!

It was choppy, and could use some work. It seems like you tried to rhyme, but couldn't manage it everywhere, either rhyme, or don't.

-Whyette

This is much better than my first pathetic attempts at poetry. You not only presented an interesting concept (I think the repitition might have been overdone a little) but also wrote about it sort of innocently, giving it a more powerful stance in my view. However, one needs to ask himself, how does can this perfect world be achieved?

Wow! That was really your first attempt? It was very good!

The grammar seemed fine. In modern poetry, grammar rules are rather loose, and rhyming isn't mandatory, although yours was quite good. It really added something to the poem. The formatting on fictionpress is really annoying, so in all likelihood, that wasn't the format you wanted, so no one can really comment on that! (although, I'd like to, because it's really important in a poem, but what can you do?)

I know you didn't want any comments on the subject matter, but is good commenting okay? I thought that the poem really touched on something so many of us feel so often. It was something we can all really relate to, and it was superb.

Keep it up!

- aligater

Really good...very, very true.

Your poem is well written and it makes an impression upon the reader. Good Job and I hope to see more soon.

*bunnyrabbit228*

It's great sueKay!! I really really like it, write more soon :D