Good chapter. You missed a couple of commas though. And I think you could use some more description. There isn't really much. There just seems to be a lot of dialogue unlike last chapter.

"...found myself alone to confront the miserable edifice in front of me." Great line.

Anyway, good job and you got a nice cliffhanger at the end so update soon.

I like beginning. It's a brilliant way to start the chapter.

When he says, "Mom, I’m home. I was out with Rick at the park—" he trails off so the sentense should really look like "Mom, I’m home. I was out with Rick at the park..."

Then when his mom says "Kyle, I’m so sor...sorry," she gasped through her tears. "I tried hard to ke...keep you here, wi...with me, bu...but I failed." Since she's stuttering it should look like this: "Kyle, I’m so sor-sorry," she gasped through her tears. "I tried hard to ke-keep you here, wi-with me, bu-but I failed."

Once again, I really like your description. The imagery you create is fantastic.

When he mentions his dad for the first time, you missed an end quotation mark.

This is just my opinion, but I think it would be better if the first time he saw his father if he didn't call him dad because he hates him since he's really not much of a father, and that's just such a warm greeting. Unless, you say something like "it hurt me just to say his name" or something like that. Or if you put "dad" in italics. That would be a great affect.

Good chapter. Only one left.

I like the description in this chapter. For instance, in the first paragraph when she's describing her environment. You create good imagery. However, you missed a couple of commas in that paragraph.

Once again, I think you can work on the dialogue a little more. Like, when Alyssa says "gosh." I've never heard anybody say that before in my life and the word also doesn't seem very fitting to her character. Try to make them talk the way you talk. And to me, the parents kind of sound like teenagers. Like when her dad says that he's starving and when her mom says how she's been bugging her. These are things I don't normally hear parents say. Try to make their vocabulary a little more advanced or just do something to separate their speech from their children's.

You have some words that should be capitalized but aren't. Like "Chino" and "Asian." And if you're using "mom" and "dad" as names then they should be capitalized too.

You keep repeating the same words. For example, when she's taking a shower, you say the word "shower" in every sentense. Try using a synonym or change the sentence up so you don't have to use that word. Thesauruses can be helpful for something like that.

I like the line "The discordant symphony of traffic." That's a good way to describe the city.

Anyway, good job. Now, I'm off to read the next chapter.

Good start. I found a couple of mistakes though. Like you missed a word a few times and there were some spelling mistakes.

I think you could make the dialogue a little better. For example, it's not really necessary to say exactly what food they're ordering. It's unimportant information and it just takes up space.

You also seem to be jumping from past to present tense a couple of times. Try to make it one tense.

Other than these few things, I can't really find anything wrong with this story. There were a couple of lines that I really liked, like "The brilliant golden rays spill out around the gully like syrup poured over pancakes, with and deep magenta following close behind, that filled the sky with a warm glowing radiance." There's an extra "and" in there just to let you know, but besides that, I really like that line. It's a good metaphor. And I also liked how you referred to his daydream as a "pleasant nightmare." I just think the whole oxymoron thing is cool.

Anyway, good work so far and I'll continue reading.

That's great a making a story like that. You know what I mean? Anyway you're story is kind of funny too. I like it!

Very cute story. I've never read a story this cute before. I like it. And yes you gave a lot of dialogue which made it easier for me to read. Hopefully i will able to read the rest ok too. I'll keep in reading.

*prepares to hurt gothicrlr* lol just messing... i like the plot, kyle's mum seems so wonderfully wonderful... *smiles* reminds me of my own. anyway, brian sounds like a cute little kid..lol Ü the story's good, i'll be watching out for it. if you don't mind, can you review my story? thanks:)you don't have to though, if you don't want to *salutes* later

great story i really like the pace that you are writing with, i want to know more about alyssa

oww my neck...lol you finally updated! ^_^ aww, she remembers him! i think it's awesome! hope you update soon! (otherwise i'll grab you by the collar too) hehehe :P

This is a really good story, the words flow well. However, the dialogue leaves something to be desired. It sort of interrupts the story's plotline, and is "edgy"/"angly". I'm not saying to not use dialogue, but try to make it more realistic and perhaps simpler. The stories sorta confusing- maybe not long enough for the first chapter- i don't see a point. this is a method to build suspension and demand, that should be used carefully. I would suggest saving it for a chapter later on, in the climax of the story. But i still can't wait to read more!

hey...i'm tired now, but i usually write really long reviews. good start, though

wow, great beginning! i'm hooked--plz update soon! =)