Reviews for Knighthood - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Knighthood

Darwin 2005-10-17 ch 1,	abuseHey Musashi, I'm here to review your work! I know long time in coming, I am a bad girl! Good hook on the front of this short...Wrapped in Night's embrace is a very vivid description. Be careful though this first sentence is very long, bordering on run on (I should know I am a run on queen!). I would suggest breaking it up at "And all" "...in the tranquil blanket of night’s embrace(.) All was quiet except for the soft..." “You…you will find, Mercy,” her father began, slowly, “that…that taking the life of any beast, even a dragon, is quite different from winning a sparring match in the castle courtyard. It is a new experience, one that you’ll not forget. You have survived the harsh training that knighthood requires, but…” This is rather prophetic, and not typical of most "knights slaying dragons" stories. We'll see if his words ring true by the end of Mercy's adventure eh? "Reining the horse in to a steady trot, Mercy edged Spitfire across the giant knolls and boulders that lay strewn about her, carefully focusing her eyes for any signs of movement." One thing that I remember from way back in my musty and dusty past is that you want to use the proper name of something the first mention in the sentence, if you use the proper name at all that is. I would reword this a bit to read, "Reinging Spitfire in(down)to a steady trot, the young woman (Knight) edged her horse..." It is a hard thing to master, but try to cut down on the uses of her name and the horses throughout the passage, this will smooth your flow and lighten the story. "Mercy tensed(I would replace this with "steeled") herself, knowing that she had to stay alert." "Charging(Spurring maybe?) Spitfire forward, Mercy dashed.." Phrophetic indeed! Well played, and you didn't go the easy way out with her sympathizing and carrying the young home with her. I was half expecting it. Mercy death was probably the better choice. What a hard lesson to learn, I am quite impressed with this short tale! I liked the contradictions you had in this work, with her being a woman trying to become a knight and pushing herself so hard to make it work. Well done Musashi.
The baava Project 2005-04-29 ch 1,	abuseHeya, bfmusashi! It's about time I visited your library, ne? I'm out here returning the favor of all those fantastic reviews you left me! ^_^ Powerful words. The story itself, you're right, is not new, nor is it presented in a wholly new light. I like the fact that the main character is a girl - I honestly don't think the whole emotional aspect would have come off right had she been a he. I do see some of the "simple eloquence" you were striving for, especially in the final mention of Mercy letting the boulder fall. That was excellently written. So yes, I enjoyed this very much! It's a sobering piece (and believe me, I've read stuff all over the spectrum today), but it doesn't need anything. Great work! LoK
BuffLie 2005-01-15 ch 1,	abuseGood job, friend. I was hoping that since her name was Mercy, that she would take the dragons back with her. Or stay in the forest and raise them. Illogical, yes. But the description of the baby dragon with the piece of eggshell still on its head was so cute, I didn't want anything to happen to them. I'm such a dork. But this was really well done and well-written. I got lost in it. And, by the way, you are great with commas, lol. Keep up the good work.
a reader 2004-12-27 ch 1, anon.	abusereally good...but too condensed... which means that u need to stretch it out more...and write more... i think that it would do well as a longer story...but anyways, keep up the great writing!
Chen 2004-12-27 ch 1, anon.	abuseThis is a wonderful story. Very well-written, and the end is rather touching. I wish it had been longer. ^_^ Maybe you could turn this into an actual story ... Something like that, but it has great potential.

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