Are you also 'The Outcast' (http://w.fictionpress.com/~theoutcast) because wow, your formatting and style is so familiar - if not check out the work there.

Anyway onto the review...It's awesome, great lyrics - so I cant really fault you on them. They make perfect sense - so that's always a good sign. Just get rid of the punctuation - it's pretty much unnecessary in a song as the lines punctuated for you so it just looks strange.

-Write on!

au. dat's sad. but totally true. i like it. great job. keep writing. also, do you play like a giutar or something? maybe you should put it to music. yay! tell me if you decide to do that, k?