   pointythings 2005-03-19 . chapter 1Boy, have I played that game! This is really interesting, and I like some of the lining and word choice, but there are also places where both of these get shabby. A few of the words and lines seem somehow incongruous to me, like "stupid" and "conceited little pig, stuffing her face." These two lines seem sort of shallow and too casual to me; I'm not sure exactly what it is, but they don't work. Also, like I said in my review of "Configuration," there are places where the lining is jerky and short just for the sake of being so; there doesn't seem to be a point. Ok, one last criticism, and then I'll get to the good stuff. There are lines that rhyme in here, and I have a special prejudice against rhyming unintentionally. I think you should make sure things don't rhyme in this kind of poem. It's just a pet peeve of mine.
Ok, now the good part! I really love that you don't say "I see her in myself" at the end. Telling instead of showing is another of my pet peeves, and I kiss your feet for not doing it. This works so much better. I also love "belying a heart." That's so evocative! And you don't overuse one-word lines like some people do *cough me cough*. You use them sparingly, so they pack a punch. Ok, you're probly way past the point where you're bored, so I'll shut up now. Looking forward to reading some more of your stuff! |
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