You say Gabrielle too much, but it is still interesting.

Seems a little thin and rather rushed. Some more description and personality would add thickness. Interesting plot, though.

I think a bit of description about Dooley before we meet him would be nice, I wasn't quite sure what was going on with that stark introduction.

But I do like the fact you write this in present tense, it is an original style you are adopting here, which I think goes well with this, that said, I think when you do give description you should turn the pace down, just my opinion.

Although I do love big long descriptions, sometimes reading something like this is refreshing, fast-paced and easy to know the characters and settings.

"Gules is to close" ' 'to' should be 'too'

Lovely story line, though the story does move pretty quickly. The only thing I'd recommend is maybe slowing down a bit and taking your time with the plot, but it'd just be how I'd do it. I still love it either way.

I play the piano and flute, so kudos to music.

Interesting. This story moves very quickly. However, I'm kind of wondering why these people are chasing them. It's nicely written and moving along quickly.

I noticed on your profile that you play the oboe. That's completely awesome. So do I. (It's pretty much my life.)

Nice job.

-Xero

Ooh, lovely little twist at the end. I love stories about dark elves. They're always fun. This is an excellent beginning, but I did notice that you use a lot of diolauge. This isn't bad, but I feel that the scen is much richer if you use more description. I also felt that the opening passages felt a bit...passive,but not in the sense that you're using the passive voice. Nevertheless, it is a well written first chapter and I am looking forward to reading more! (hopefully I'll be able to read more tonight).

Lovely chapter. Sorry that I'm so nitpicky...

-Xero

Okay.. the stroyline's excellent.. but it's moving way too fast!! Maybe you should just slow down.. describe a little bit more about everything to me (your poor, confused fan :P )!! Great chapters!!

Update soon! It's really good, and I like it a lot. I can't wait to read more. So, PLEASE update soon! Please?

Sincerely, H.P. Farmer

It's good! Update soon! I really like it, and I can't wait to read more! Please?

Sincerely, H.P. Farmer

Interesting ending! This story mvoes along fairly fast and there's hardly any descriptive passages, but I enjoyed reading it. =D

Very interesting. I like it. Can you update soon, please? I really want to read more--it's good.

~H.P. Farmer

He he he. As promised, I am reviewing. All I can say is that it's really great and I wish you would write more!! I do wish more background on the characters was included though. Write more! lol

overall, i like the idea of your story, but i dont like how much dialogue there is. i'm sorry if i'm dissing your story, but its the truth. in my opinion you should write either scripts or write stoies, but use description, use imagery, thoughts, so on.

cool. you have a couple of paragraphs without dialogue.