Reviews for Far From Home - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Far From Home - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

Ollie May 2006-08-21 ch 10,	Fantabulous! I love this whole plot line, it's great! And Jake sounds most awesome in the looks department, I'm glad Brooklyn notices. Great name by the way, I really like that. Most excellent, please continue soon. Ollie May
Hug a Tree 2006-08-17 ch 9,	hey!!i have read your story before and i loved it!but you haven't updated in forever.please please please update soon.i'm sure i'm not the only one dying to find out what will happen next! =)
faerie-gumdrops 2006-05-09 ch 10,	Hiya! Just read this story, and it's very cute! Thanks so much for reviewing mine btw. Jake sounds pretty hot! And Brooklyn is pretty cool too. If you hate uber-nitpickety reviews please tell me in an AN or something because I know that they annoy the hell out of some people.I think that the recaps aren't really neccessary. They would sound good to people who were reading as they went, I suppose, but once this story is finished I don't think you'll need them as people will read it in a big block. Corrections in brackets!'Of course not[;] he’s just a friend!''My mother[']s smile' - there were quite a few of these possessive apostrophe thingies in this chapter which should have been there.'Dad finally grabbed Jakes hand that was still outstretched and shook it once then headed for the door' - this sentence just sounds a bit awkward. You might want to break it up a bit. 'We led my parent[s] out to Jake[']s car ''Like now[,] for instance[;] every couple of minutes she would [tap] dad then point out the window for him to look'Her mum seems quite nice, the way that she's trying to act normal and all.'my mother exclaimed[,] breaking the lingering silence.''I put my parents’ suitcases in[to? not sure if this sounds better] my [bedroom] and gave them a tour.'“Go easy on him dad. I need him[-]” at this my dad had a look of shock on his face “[-]for the rent and groceries! He does help out you know[,]” I finished and dad looked his normal mean self again.' 'I swear my mom is so much like a gossiping teen it scares me' hehe I like her mum!'I sat down nervously on the couch and Brook’s dad said on the chair looking at me' I think that this could probably be phrased more clearly somehow.'He’s just going to have to realize that his daughter has male friends and one of them just so happens to be living with her… and sleeping with her… well he doesn’t have to know that part I guess.' lol funny stuff!'“Mom! Of course he needed a place to stay[,]” I replied back.' and the back isn't really needed. 'I will definitely not be telling [Dad]!”The change between Brooksie (lol) and Jake's point of view is really sudden. You might want to put a break there or something. I love all of the Q and As by the way, very funny!'I guess [you're] o.k. then''risky to say all that because I could make him mad again[,] but I was willing to take that risk…''I asked[,] finally understanding''“Oh[,] well that’s ok[;] he plays the guitar too[,]” I told him' i'm' not sure if the semi colon should be a comma or a colon instead - I've never understood those things. '“Good night sweetie,” [Mom] said''I entered [Jake's] room ''[he] whispered to me''he asked[,] sounding worried yet again.''I could [picture] him tugging on his shirt' m shirtless Jake!Eek, sorry, I didn't see the end bit! Sorry I was so very nitpickety with grammar in this chapter! Hope you don't hate me for it! It's just that I always love it when people tear my stuff to pieces gramatically. sigh perhaps I am a freak. Anyway, good story so far! Sorry my review has been so picky! And my God, it's a mammoth, hey?
Elewyn 2006-05-08 ch 1,	This was pretty good, although the beginning is a little perplexing. You have to wonder when this is set: now, or a month ago? Anyway, thanks a bunch for the review.
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 10,	"my fathers eyes popped out and rolled around on the floor" Hahahhaha - brilliant. Nice description of the parents. And omg, he does sound just so darn cute standing like that!! But he's such a gentleman, surely her parents can see that... Oh... I haven't read any of Jake's POV yet, but I'm really not so keen on changing POV's halfway through a story, especially when you haven't done it before... It can seem like an easy and simple way to move the plot on, but it can upset the balance and rhythm of a piece of writing. There are things that you don't know in a first person thing that you find out when you change POV, and seeing as everything should be written from one opinion, it all looks different. (Again with the digressing, I'm sorry!) But if you can carry it off, go you! " (A.N. It’s about the end of July at this part of the story.)" Tell that through the story - that's lazy. Sorry. But it is. cuteness! Keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 9,	"20 minutes" numbers below one hundred should be written in words. The story doesn't suck! It's a lot better than my first stories were. A lot a lot. The first is always the hardest. No-one realises how hard it is to create a story until they sit down to try. It's a very unappreciated art. And it comes with practise. I've written, let me see, above five full length stories (And one that I'm happy with that's about 15,0 words or so) and I know my writing can still use a hell of a lot of work. This is an amazing effort for a first story. I hope you don't feel that any of the CC here is harsh - it's not meant to be. I just know that CC is what I like best on my own stories, and it really does help to improve writing skills. I'm not trying to be rude. keep writing, I love the added tension of the parents! Brilliant!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 8,	I thought they were coming round at 12!? "(sp?)" Don't do this either please. Sorry, I'm really hot on 'correct' writing. It's a thing of mine. If the spelling is wrong someone will point it out. Or put a note at the end of the chapter. "(Translation: get off me!) " Or this, please. If you're going to do that, use 'That was meant to be 'get off me' but was muffled by pillows' or something. Author's notes through the chapter isn't good practise. Skipping's fun. "(A.N. I really have no idea if there is a park with the view of Big Ben but I figured, meh what the heck it sounded romantic lol)" PUt this at the end of the chapter. There are a couple of parks but I don't know if there are any with a bridge. You can stand in a park and look over a wall at the Thames with Big Ben in the distance. I know that for a fact. “You know,” he started, “I don’t know how many times I’ve been to this park, but I’ve never realized what a beautiful sight this was until I seen you staring just now,” That's so cute. Aw! I'm glad she realised. Cuteness. Keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 7,	Oh that's adorable. The beginning bit's really lovely. Hehe. Cute chapter. ;-D Keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 6,	Oh, didn't know we had preps over here, lol! Really, we don't. It's strange. ":P" Please please please don't do this either. There aren't usually that many tanned people in england, we're pretty pale as a rule. I know tanned is hot, (yumyum) but it's not really that realistic for london. You don't need to tag every speech (he said, she asked, he proclaimed, etc) often it flows a lot better without tags, and is less repetitive/forced sounding. (I struggle with cutting mine down, I hate doing it.) Aww, cute ending!! ;-D Keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 5,	Aw, cuteness. Not a lot to say about this chapter but I liked it mucho. Keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 4,	Ah, see, description! XD Hehe. Felt a little more like you were giving a plan than a description though, if that makes sense, there's usually more to a room than just 'there was this, there was that,' if that makes sense. I know that in my house I don't notice those sort of things. When I walk in my room I notice the picture slipping off my wall that I never get around to sticking back up, the corner of the rug that never wants to lie flat and how I -always- seem to need to make my bed. Wow, I can procrastinate. But do you see what I mean? There's so much that you can do with description to make it a little more lively. The description, although good, does feel a little forced. You don't have to describe everything about a person at once, and it's the same as with the description above - you don't need to give just vital statistics, which is what people often do for simplicity, but you can often show a lot of opinion through description. Think about how you feel about how you look and build that in. I know that when I look in the mirror I don't think brown hair, blue eyes, etc. "almost cried at the price" hehe. The room sounds awesome. Oh, they had a moment! A moment! I like moments. XD "OMG!" I am begging you, please please please please please don't do this. I will cry. "Oh my God!" Please. Please. Oh, nice cliffie!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 2,	"and it just so happens that “whenever” is now always." Aw, that's so cute, and it made me laugh. XD Aw, cuteness!! THat's really cute how he has pyjamas and everything at her house. Flat. Whatever it is. I give up. Cuteness! Feels a little lacking in description in places, and the characters could use a little development, but that comes with time anyway. Especially when it's the first time you've written a story. I'm exactly the same. keep writing!
Plinky 2006-04-13 ch 1,	Oh, interesting. It's been ages since I've read a story set in England (apart from my own, lol) Interesting plot so far. Jake seems intriguing (I've always had a weakness for guitar players... yum yum yum) Cool. Keep writing!
Cleverlines 2006-04-01 ch 10,	hey thanks for the review :). I see you have stopped posting on this story, is that because you've givin up on it or is it under reconstruction? well as for constructive critisim i would have to say that it maybe needs some more scenes without Jake in them, Just for a breather and maybe some other characters too. I feel that ur last chapter was better and you had the right ideas for putting in facial expression and stuff. whew this review is long lol, just wanted to help you out a bit. well keep posting and i will keep reading lol. Cheers Lollie
shattered.heart.baby 2005-12-17 ch 10,	sorry i didnt review the rest of the chapters..i just kinda read the whole thing at once..it's a good story, and you can do a lot with it..it's moving kinda fast in some parts, and slow in others..and you can add a lot more description and dialogue..oh, and you're kinda mixing tenses too..i understand about the spelling mistakes..i make them too.. mind you..this isn't to be mean..you could really do a lot with this story if you follow constructive critisism..i'm not trying to be offensive..update soon, i'm very interested in the story..later

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