I think this is very imaginative.

You do have quite a lot of grammatical errors and too many sentence fragments - a few in the right place can be effective - so maybe that's why you got marked down.

I think it would be more effective overall if you ended it at about paragraph beginning "For the last time..." with a simple, "oh no, not again." If she makes a reference about having to go and work in the family business, there should be a reference earlier to what it was like eg full of bores who opened every sentence with "when I was alive..."