   Hollyboneli 2007-01-06 . chapter 1omg wtf... This is so depressing. Honestly at the beginning, I was reluctant to read it because it was long and the conversations seemed to be normal graduation conversations but when I found out that it was reliving the same day again, things got interesting. Ugh. I swear I want to cry but you know that feeling when you can't? I love sad stories... And this line:
“And that’s why I was happy for you. I didn’t want you to find out that what you hoped for wouldn’t come true. I thought it would be better if you still believed that it could still. I didn’t want your dream to end tomorrow; it just didn’t seem fair. If both of us had to die, at least one of us could still dream.”
It got a sure hold of me... Okay, I can't write decently because my mind is all sad and muddled and all and knowing about the day you die and how you would die and that you canNOT o anything to prevent it is just so, so, so, sad... :c Would you choose a day of your death or the same day of a hope? :C
Congratulations on a very great story. (I would put a smiley at the end but I'm so sad that I can't...) |
 Emerald Serpentt 2005-02-03 . chapter 1Fascinating concept! But I think in certain parts it could have been executed better. I think... mainly the characters felt awkward. I'm not sure exactly what about them, but something about their dialogue or something didn't feel natural enough. Hm. I think, the characterization was not strong enough. I get a basic shell of a personality for all of them, but I don't feel really any depth to them. Of course as a short story this doesn't matter quite as much, but I felt this to be true particularly Samuel/Charles himself -- he seems rather vague. I mean, I get that he's pretty much had a perfect life, and he's a bit arrogant... but he doesn't really come alive for me, and occasionally his personality seems to waver. (Btw, I'm not really sure about the name switching... if you did that for a reason, I can't really tell.) Julie is a little underdeveloped for my tastes -- but this is okay, since the story's not really about her.
Mm... the only other nitpick I have is the way you revealed the final twist. I have to admit I saw the car accident thing coming (though I had thought it would be him and his girlfriend -- you got me there ^_^), but I think it would have been more effective if... err... I'm not really sure what exactly. But for one thing, his response seemed to me a little too cliched (though understandable)... Hm. I think also Molly was a little abrupt. I know there was already a bit of foreshadowing and it would be difficult to add on to that without revealing the surprise totally... but somehow it was not a very smooth transition. I mean yeah, twists are supposed to be shocking, but... it just seemed to come out of nowhere, and seemingly invalidates a whole lot of what the rest of the story seems to be trying to say.
Oh. Right. I think the whole Julie subplot was a little overdone. It was a good way of leading the reader on, but I think this probably contributed to the abruptness of the twist. Because it takes away focus from what I believe is the true message of your story, and that weakens it overall. Personally I think you could have done without the teary farewell scene and just summed it all up with a sentence or two. That would cut deeper into the reader.
Anyway, interesting story, like I said! (Though I think it would also be interesting if he had no idea that he was repeating the same day over and over, except in his subconscious. Deja vu, in a way. That would make it rather more chilling. Whoo.) |
FictionPress.com - let the words flow