I had to cheat the site to get to review this. I know I told you that I wasn't going to offically comment until this was finished but I'm a loser and I lied. You broke me! Ok... where to begin. It was an interesting first chapter, that hooked me. I liked the detail that you put into it. You made me want to move to the mountians and live in a cabin for the rest of my life. Wait... I wanted to do that anyway... oh well. There were some parts that seemed a little redundant and almost forced but other than that... nice work. I'll be reading more, promise! Intrigued, Natalie

wheres the rest?

Wow, I cannot believe how many months it's been since I last looked at this story. I think I can remember what's been going on, but if I make comments like "you haven't explained such and such" when you know you've explained it only two chapters ago, just ignore me. I'll be reviewing this as I go, so it could be a bit choppy, and any corrections will be in square brackets.

"A great ship made of red wood carved into aerodynamic jagged lines was floating beneath her as Tari sailed on [its] deck."

"She was sitting at a large desk with papers and letters scattered about atop it." -- You don't need the word 'about'

"A torso leaned down and embraced [hers] lovingly, and the hand stopped writing and set down [its] quill."

"He fought a sob each time [he] looked at what he'd done to his beloved sister"

""Yeah, well, you didn't seem quite so intent on caution when we were fighting Perishoth[.]" [His] grin remained"

"He tested the edge and found it to be adequately sharp." -- I think this would sound better without 'to be'

"His eyes were an [unusual] dark"

"She'll be fine. And if she becomes exhausted, I will carry her," he repeated." -- Why is he repeating this? When did he say it before?

"She caressed [its] smooth surface happily."

"Tari nodded slightly." -- Shouldn't be italicised.

- - -

One thing I've noticed, that I probably didn't notice before, is that you use the passive tense a lot. It makes for a weaker narrative style. For example: When you say this: "Kiala was simply eating in silence, disinterested.". It would sound much stronger if you said, "Kiala simply ate in silence, disinterested." Do you see the difference? Whenever you go back through the story to make edits, it's definitely worth changing as much passive tense as you can.

- - -

Now this was a very interesting chapter. Makes me wonder what the twins are up to, though I suspect they don't have bad intentions. I'll have to see, I guess. I have to go do some work now but I'll try to come back to this soon.

Well I must say that despite your doubts you've managed a substantial start at a believable romance in this chapter. I especially liked the end, actually. That was funny, tying the thread around his wrist.

I notice it's been about six months since you've updated this, and I am hoping you haven't abandoned it entirely because I've reached a point where I've gotten to know four of the five central characters rather well. And I'd love to read more *stomps foot*Ah well... Hopefully you'll resurface soon! :)

Kay. So I'm about halfway through the posted chapters, and was instigated to hit the back button and post a comment to this chapter here for the most inane reason possible.

See, at the top of the next chapter, there's an allusion to your gender.To be perfectly honest, it startled me and I went to read your profile.

You do a rather commendable job of portraying Tari and Rilen as distinct individuals and unique characters. They each have their own quirks and such, and you delineate between them well. I get the impression, however, from subtle hints, that perhaps Tari's personality is changing in minor ways under the influencing awareness of his presence in her mind. Up until the point where he manifests himself, it's almost more like she doubts her own sanity than anything else. I think your portrayal of a female MC is actually a great deal more realistic and believable than some of the female writers' works I have read who are in your same age bracket [no discrimination based on gender or age is intentionally implied here] so I'm rather impressed with the depth and quality of your work.

Course, at this point I'm wondering what the twins are, if they aren't human and aren't the same race as Rilen. How many races are there inhabiting this world? I have a million other questions as well, but I'm certain most of them will be answered with a bit of further reading.

Definitely enjoying this tale a great deal.

This story...this story has a good ring to it but its missing quite the few elements. It does not have too much potency right now. It needs something too give it a bit of life, to impulse it a bit, give it a bit more flavor. You are a great writter, you really are, but you need a bit of help with the story. I can offer some suggestions, i'd give you some advice, just send an email anytime.

Presumably, if/when this story gets published, you would have the whole Fort Taegunusi chapter as one chapter, not two. Either that, or change the titles so that they're seperate chapters.

"These are running for twice the price we've offered you on the black market," he said softly. "We've already had a better offer; we came to you because you've proved competent in the past." His voice became flattering. "I happen to know that there's no one more qualified than you in all of Taegusuni to find a good buyer. . . ." - Who is speaking?

'She felt a fair amount of smugness from Rilen, and had a feeling that it mirrored her own.' - Should not be in italics.

'frustration was laced with Rilen's thoughts.' - Should not be in italics. Nor should 'Tari nodded in answer, and Kett looked at her oddly.'

The boy's an amazing fighter. Their blades were more than my eyes could follow, though it seemed Kett was fading far faster than Gulle. - Is this Rilen speaking? Or Tari? I'm confused.

'when it took Gulle's blow across it's palm' - its, not it's

- - -

You're concerned about the violence. Firstly, it's not excessive in this chapter. It's not exactly nice either, but it's not excessive. I think what Kett did to Kiala is a very good touch, because otherwise she would have been raped, and that's a very realistic (though awful) way to get around it. As for the massacre of the other slaves, that wasn't detailed, just that snapshot horrific that you can't really do without. However, I do think what happened her probably does merit the M rating.

All in all, a good chapter.

Whoa, comma alert in the first paragraph. Watch out for that, you comma splice sometimes when you shouldn't.

'their drivers cracking their whips over the horses backs' - should be horses', not horses.

"What's a 'Golbru'?" She asked. - Don't need to capitalise the 'she'.

'She glance down each alley and into every open door' - glanced, not glance.

"Look," the boy spoke up, alarmed at Tari's continued silence, "I have a little money if that's what you want. It's yours if you want it. I'll never even look at you again-- just let me go!"" - This should not be italicised.

I think you'd find the night to "be quite spectacular, when viewed in the correct shade." - How come he suddenly starts speaking in non-italics? Is this a typo? If it's intentional, it just looks wrong and shouldn't be changed.

'Tari was approaching within sight' - this sounds awkward, maybe just say 'Tari was within sight'

Four room's - should be rooms', not room's.

'I still don't understand what they're doing here! Tari argued.' - Tari argued should not be in italics. Neither should 'She looked at the youth before them'

- - -

This new subplot seems interesting, and I wonder if Kett is going to become a major character, as you took such care describing him earlier. I look forward to finding out how Tari and Rilen sort this out.

I love the way both Rilen and Marco are talking to Tari.

"I and Tari are going to move to Guordo," - I and Tari just sounds awkward. Tari and I is grammatically correct and sounds much better.

'and she thought that if she didn't tell you only just as she was leaving' - Something in the word order here confuses me. Perhaps this would sound better: 'and she thought that if she told you just as she was leaving'.

'Rilen's emotions became darkly mysterious and fixed, and, to Tari's surprise, he did sound as though he were well practiced at telling stories.' - Should this be in italics? I don't think so.

'and he hated the father with a bitter hate' - My first thought was that this sentence sounds lame. I think it's the repetition of the word 'hate'. Maybe if you substitute the second hate for something else, like 'passion'.

I like Rilen's story, mostly because the style of telling is so clearly his voice, not yours or Tari's. Also, the moral is... interesting.

'We're both too tired, he replied.' - The 'he replied' shouldn't be italicised.

'It found our cave and ran back to tell it's master.' - its, not it's.

'and shedding it's rider to the ground' - again, its not it's.

'Tari frowned. Perhaps if we were riding slower...' - Tari frowned should not be italicised.

'She hesitated. What are you going to do?' - she hesitated should not be italicised.

'though his vision remained her's' - hers, not her's.

'but the blows barely pierced it's tough scales' - its, not it's. Also, this is one long paragraph. I would advise cutting it up a bit.

'It removed it's mouth from Flower's mane' - its, not it's.

'It's sharp teeth dug into the side of Tari's arm' - Its, not It's.

'as the burgog resumed it's attack on Flower' - its, not it's.

'she sensed a horse near her's' - hers, not her's.

'forcing the blade to widen the socket and pierce deeply into it's brain' - its, not it's.

'The air was warm. Tari's skin was delightfully warm.' - This kinda sounds repetitive. Maybe cut out the first sentence.

'Tari told Rilen, as thoroughly as she could, the events of that night that had occurred after he'd passed out.' - Should not be italicised.

The final sentence in the chapter doesn't have the inverted commas at the end.

- - -

Because you seem to have made the mistake a lot in this chapter, let me remind you of the grammar rules surrounding its, it's, hers and her's...

It's stands for it is. No exceptions.

Its is the possessive form, which would have an apostrophe in almost any other word (dog's, cat's etc). It doesn't in this case because of what it's is short for.

Hers and her are the possessive forms of the female pronoun. No apostrophes are needed. No exceptions, that I can think of. Just as his is the possessive form of the male pronoun.

- - -

I would really make the long paragraph several short paragraphs. I always find action scenes a bit difficult to follow (and to write), so I would advise dividing them up into more paragraphs because, to me, it makes them easier to follow.

- - -

And finally, I can't be bothered to post One Finger on the Trigger on our LiveJournal thing, so do you mind reviewing it here on FP? Thanks!

Hey,

'Tari had the feeling he was uncomfortable sharing about this with her.' - Cut out 'about'.

'With thick black hair that settled on the nape of his neck, and dark eyes that would appear to be black until closer examination revealed a dark metallic blue surrounding slightly oval pupils, and his smooth face, untouched by the rigors of time, Rilen seemed to have only recently reached adulthood.' - Definitely give this description earlier. At this point in the story, just say that his appearance looked like he had only recently reached adulthood, or words to that effect. It is definitely way too late to describe him now.

I think you ought to describe the three Thatcher family members. I cannot visualise them at the moment. As a general rule, when you introduce a character, give a quick description of them, mentioning only one or two characteristics - just enough for the reader to have an idea what they look like.

'filthy wog'- What is a wog? I'm not sure if this is a typo or an insult that will be explained later.

'Tari felt a brief flash of hope from him as he mentioned his people' - This shouldn't have been in italics.

Good ending to the chapter.

Because you're using the same format (plain old italics) for both Rilen's thoughts and Tari's thoughts, I advise always making it clear who is thinking. Either that, or change the format of Rilen's thoughts, maybe to bold italics.

'and when here eyes opened' her, not here.

'she was still too stunned to feel some of the pain' - but she is feeling some of the pain, just not all. Maybe you should say 'she was still too stunned to feel [all] of the pain'

'surging playfully through the waves like a dolphin' - Would she know what a dolphin is? It just struck me that she's lived in this inland place almost all of her life, so using that comparison looked wrong.

'One, the only woman' As there are only two people, saying the only woman sounds a little odd, implying that she is the only woman among many men. Instead say 'One, a woman'

'as she addressed those before her in a language who's meaning Tari, though unfamiliar with the strange tongue, somehow understood effortlessly.' Firstly, should be whose, not who's. Secondly, I think this sentence would sound better as: 'as she addressed those before her in a language whose meaning Tari somehow understood effortlessly despite being unfamiliar with the strange tongue'

'Something is behind these things that I have not seen, brothers.' Why is brothers plural? I thought she was standing with only one person, you say earlier 'Two living figures were standing near [Tari]'. I am confused.

'The first woman did not seem in the least surprised about this, and let the second finish her statement.' Still confused. Surely the 'first woman', who is not surprised, is the one talking, but then she lets another woman talk, when the materialised woman hasn't been talking. Clarify! It's one thing to be mysterious, another to be plain confusing!

'They were wrapped in well-sealed leather, and had been well-preserved with salt.' The use of 'well' twice sounds repetitive. I think just saying they were preserved with salt will be enough.

It seems strange that Tari just kicks the body away. Surely she feels some horror at what she did to the man - I know he was an evil bastard, and wanted to harm her, but she has never killed before. It just strikes me as a little unrealistic.

- - -

Plot-twistyness is good. I wonder if there is all to Tari's 'mother' as seems, if she is not all bad. I also wonder how come Rilen suddenly got melded with Tari, but I assume that will be explained. All in all, another good chapter. I am very much enjoying this story.

How come Tari decided to spend more time at the inn? Perhaps this should be explained. Also, this sentence sounds out of place to me - 'In the morning of the fourth and last day of her residence at the Ditch' - how does she know it will be her last day there? If she doesn't know, don't say this, as it would be far too authorial.

'Now what, by the frigid stars, are you?' - Nothing wrong with this, I really liked it.

'The stone's different forms have numerous functions' - stones, not stone's.

- - -

Oh plotness. This Rilen character is most interesting, as is the whole business about his people. I'm still not entirely clear on it, and I had to read the explanations more than once to get them, but I think I've got the basics grasped. I'm sure it will be explained more later, such as why he's been grafted to her and why he's appeared now. And it is most interesting to see that her mother and grandmother's deaths were not simple madness.

- - -

On a different point, Sophy tells me that Chapt 1 was meant to be omniscient POV. I completely thought it was Tari's POV. Just a random comment.

'that Tari directed Flower.' - I am confused, who or what is Flower?

Perhaps some descruption of Laan would be good, as I cannot visualise what she looks like, other than being plump.

How old is Tari? It would be good to know.

- - -

The mysterious stranger seems like a nice guy, though some description of what he looked like would be good. All in all, another good chapter.

'Once she lunged at open air and fallen so hard that she broke her ankle.' - fell, not fallen.

It takes her three hours to only walk two miles? Either she is some slow walker, or the route is hard going, slowing her down. I would state which of these it is, or if there's another reason she's walking so slow. It just bugged me, is all.

When she's knocked against the tree, you use the word smack twice, in one sentence and then in the neck. It sounds reptitive.

- - -

That was a very very interesting chapter. Tari's family's history of mental illness is very intriguing, as is her encounter in the woods.

See - told you I'd get round to this eventually ^.^

Oy bud, long time no review. Your writing seems different from the last chapters now...anyways i sent you an email a long time ago but i couldn't review to tell you. Doing a bit of research for this story O.O; tell you about it later, nice chapter though^^

Why yes sir, i am weird. Thank you =)