Reviews for Sword Of The Rightful Hand: Gawens Secret

Reviews For: Sword Of The Rightful Hand: Gawens Secret - Reviews: Page 1 of 5

Richina-Strife 2006-11-20 ch 3,	Well, Chapter two was really good, but this chapter confused me. Here are a couple of questions: 1. Is Kay Gawen's father, or brother-in-law? 2. Did Gawen, at any point, turn back into a boy? Please, don't get discouragedby this because your story has a lot of potential, and your plot is very interesting. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter! ~Richina
Richina-Strife 2006-11-20 ch 1,	I am enjoying this story so far. It has a lot of potential and I am really interested to see what you will do next. I would, however, really like it if you defined these characters a little more. I sometimes get confused with who's the oldest and youngest, and who's training who. ~Richina
Emeraldfae 2005-12-03 ch 1,	Hm. Some of it could be reworded to flow a little better. It was kind of choppy. It also moved a little too fast for me to really keep up with. You should put some more detail into it. I think that would definitly improve it. The plot is interesting, even though it is a little vague right now. That's okay though. You can catch your readers if you use that correctly. Make sure you catch them with the dialoge as well as the plot becuase otherwise some will stop reading it becuase it is worded too strangly. All in all however I did like the direction it was taking. Keep writing and I'll try to keep reading. (I may not have time)
Stefan Vorell 2005-06-22 ch 3,	I read through all three chapters, and although I sorta skimmed through the second. Your descriptions, technique, and over-all writing abilities are very good, I would like to see you develop a few more interesting ideas, this story almost conforms to the concept of a fantasy story. I, personally, perfer stories that break the mold, and not only leave you with a good message, but a whole new concept of literature. Mind you that's alot to ask, but try writing stuff that you've never seen written before. You might enjoy yourself.
Laura Barton 2005-06-20 ch 3,	This chapter was rather confusing, I must say, but there were a few aspects of it which were good. For one, the fact that Gawen turned into a girl was surprising, however when Rai says in response to that, "Did you actually take a shower" I literally went, "Huh? What does that mean?" I just don't understand if that's supposed to be funny or what and it didn't seem to fit in at all, so I would definitely suggest changing that or explaining it in some way. While Rai, Kay and Gawen are talking amongst themselves, what exactly is this opposing force doing? There is a long period of them talking, so one can only guess that the opposing force is just standing there (twiddling their thumbs, perhaps?). Eavesdrop is one word. I saw that you had a hyphon between eaves and drop, but there isn't one. This part confused me to the extreme, but perhaps I just malcomprehended. It was the part where Gawen is saying why he wanted to fight Kay and then it ends with him saying 'You're my father'. However, later on it implies, or says rather, that Kay was the boyfriend to Gawen's sister. I once again went "Huh?", but this time it was an even greater confusion level. When Gawen changes back to a female, you being calling him by the female pronouns, but then you revert back to calling Gawen a male. Did I perhaps miss her/him changing back? 'Charge pensively'; you used this in one part of the story, and I didn't really understand it at all. Pensively means that it is taking a great deal of thought, so I don't think that is what you mean. If you do, then please, explain. Foreleg is one word, unless I'm otherwise mistaken. "I'll". In the last sentence, you didn't capitalize the I, nor did you use the apostrophe. Maybe it's just a typo, but watch for it because "I'll" (I will) could just as easily become "ill" (sick). 'Haru muttered violently as he pretended to malevolently stab at Gawen.' I would switch violently and malevolently around in this sentence. Indeed, good choice of words, but malevolently means in a manner which intends ill will, which is a given when it comes to stabbing. So I would have it as 'Haru muttered MALEVOLENTLY as he pretended to stab VIOLENTLY at Gawen. This story has a lot of potential, but needs a great deal of work. Maybe it's solely because it has not be edited or whatever, but the way you have it now could really confuse a reader, as it has confused me. I don't know what 'level' of writing you are at because you description/biography thing doesn't imply or say anything about it, but I'm guessing that you are not very young due to the vocabulary you are using. Whether you are in school or not is a mystery to me, but if you are, seek aid from an English teacher if you are having trouble. If you are out of school, then search for someone who can help you understand better if you do not understand. That is all I have to say.
Laura Barton 2005-06-20 ch 2,	Within this chapter, again I found a few errors. Some are the same as in the previous chapter, so I will not repeat them again. Firstly, 'said aloud dumbly' is yet another oxymoron, well, I'm not even sure if it's that. It just doesn't make sense. The literal term for 'dumb' is speechless, thus you cannot say something 'aloud dumbly'. I assume you were meaning it in the slang form, but I would find an alternative for that, because that could be problematic. I would say that flipping hair is generally a feminine gesture. I'm not trying to be sexist, for I myself am a female, but for a man to flip their hair just seems strange to me. You said that someone stroked their beard longingly. I don't really see how that works, because to do something longingly means that you really, really want to do it or obtain it. For example: "He looked at the puppy longingly" meaning he really wanted the puppy, but could not have it. That's all I have to say for this chapter..
Laura Barton 2005-06-20 ch 1,	Within this chapter, there were quite a few things that I picked out as I read it. Quite a bit of it was grammatical, such as punctuation. If you have trouble with punctuation, I would suggest seeking out someone who knows about that who can help you. Also really watch for typos. It can throw a reader off if they are extreme. I noticed that you constantly use the incorect form of then/than. Most of the time, you utilize 'than' when it should be 'then'. 'Than' is used when comparing two things, while then is used for all the other times. If you are not comparing something, then don't use 'than'. As for paragraphing, I'd say that needs some work as well. When speaking of a new subject, then switch to a new paragraph. For example, when describing how someone looks and then suddenly switching to an action, form a new paragraph, even if it is the same person you are speaking of. Now, if you're explaining how someone looks while they're doing that action, it is one paragraph. Also, when someone speaks, it is generally a new paragraph. I've seen times when it isn't, which I don't really understand because I've always been told "When someone speaks, it's a new paragraph". You described the way that one of the characters spoke as being tenor. Tenor is a voice tone, not an expression, so I don't really see how that works. Tenor describes how low one's voice is, not the expression in which that voice holds. I'm assuming that Kay is a grown man, which brings me to ask, why is he throwing a crying fit like a small child? Unless he has some sort of mental disorder, I just can't really see that happening. I liked the phrase, "Threw it like a small child with a broken toy". Though I think it is perhaps missing a word within it, that is an interesting way to put how he was throwing his little fit. Dumbfounded is one word. I believe you used it in this manner 'dumb-foundedness', which is not the proper way to use it. If dumbfoundedness is not a true word, I would find another way to say it. Perhaps like 'in a dumbfounded manner' or 'in a way in which said he was dumbfounded'. Always, always, always capitalize 'I'. There are no exceptions for that and it must always be a capital. I noticed that you never put the apostrophe in don't and didn't. Watch for that. They are contractions, not regular words. When describing how Gawen (I believe it was Gawen) thrust his sword, you said 'hard, but soft'. That is an oxymoron (two words which are complete oposites). That does not work there. It was in the fifth-to-last paragraph that I found this. Your and you're: there is a big difference between them. The first one is saying that something belongs to someone, while the second is a contraction saying 'you are'. Be careful with that. The last thing I found was 'swords man ship'. If I am not mistaken, swordsmanship is one word and if it is not, I know for sure that 'swordsman' is.
Fayth Bounarotti 2005-06-18 ch 1,	It's good but it just doesn't flow. In the beginning it just sounds like your simply telling us what happened no detail to anything."He shivered as the coldness of the stone floor crept up his bones and into his heart" don't use into his heart unless the scene had something tragic or what not. It doesn't go. But I like where it's going and will read more later. (and if I don't remind me... I have a horrible memory) But if you ever want to get help and progress your writing feel free to aim im me at shatteredxfayth I'd love to talk to you about it and help. :)
Eyetk 2005-06-18 ch 1,	Hmm, interesting! I like how you sort of make fun of the idea of a 'grand quest' in the beginning, though that (from what I've read) seems to be the main plot goal. Kay's sort of a pansy for a 'skilled swordsman' though..crying when it breaks (though it can be fixed), almost wetting his pants when he gets an arrow shot at him, and throwing a temper tantrum when he's given advice.. Also..a link to a particular page in a guide that I wrote up and am too lazy to shorten for rewriting here: http://w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1942775&chapter=3 Happy writing!
Pheobe Meryll 2005-06-18 ch 1,	Thanks for reviewing my story...there are some good aspects about your writing but I think you need to worry a lot more about your grammar than anything else. That's one of the first things that defines a writer; you look a lot less ametuer if you proofread your stories well. Watch out for captitalization, choice of words, and fragments. You have a lot of unnessecary fragments such as "Suddenly an arrow flung through the air. Missing Kay's swelled up head by a hairs-breadth." That period should have been a comma. Don't be afraid of long sentences. The best way to learn these things is to read a lot, so don't worry, just keep on it. Another reason to proofread is that you have actual story problems if you don't, like at one point where you say Rai enters the room when it's supposed to be Kay. Other than that, you have some good moments here descriptively...I liked how you described Kay being as happy as a child with a play sword.
Ballerina with a Gun 2005-06-12 ch 3,	Storyline is good (poor Gawen...turning into a chick), although I feel the actual story leaves much to be desired. You need some more punctuation (instead of dont, put don't) and the spelling needs to be improved. Although I feel this was more of a form of entertainment than a serious novel, no? If that was your goal, you succeeded. I thought it was very funny...with Gawen's transformation and all.
xXStardusted 2005-06-11 ch 1,	note to first review. erase girl and put boy. sorry. i told you i'm stupid!
xXStardusted 2005-06-11 ch 3,	very good, but all the names lose me (because i'm simply stupid). also, gawen seems almost too powerful. add one MAJOR fault or weakness in him. like accilles (sp? i can't spell) had the ankles. or like some girl. or something! that could help with a near complete downfall and then a sudden uprise! ^^ great writing! i love it! ma'assalama! -stardusted vampire- PS - please read 'my little wedding' or 'stardust'. i would be greatly happy! thanks
Cemetary Gates 2005-05-31 ch 1,	Sorry I didn't respond quickly. I would've written a review on one of your works if I had more time... I want to say that your story has potential. It has substance; it has reasons for those claims to power (i.e., that the wizard/mage Rai is indeed a wizard/mage). Now for the critical stuff. Like Arej and Purrow said, work on your characters, grammar, and delivery. Characters. Your characters do have a foundation - Kay and Gawen, fighters; and Rai, mage. Expand on these. Work on the characters' personalities and how that personality shines through from little details to big details in the story. For example, since Gawen is actually a girl in disguise, "he" might have some feminine quirks. Grammar. Work on revising sentences so that everything flows together: so pronouns correspond correctly (i.e., after it is revealed that Gawen is actually a "she"); run-on sentences become two or more sentences so as to not disrupt flow ("Kay realized he should stop and handed Gawen the sword hastily, Gawen took it and held it in battle-ready position as Key sheathed his broad curved sword."); and all those other fun parts of grammar. And don't forget to not be afraid to rewrite sentences - if it doesn't end up sounding right, you can always revert to the original. And delivery. My suggestion? Freewrite! Expand on the situation - it is THREE versus FOURTY-ONE. It is no wonder there is a mage in the group of three - in real life two couldn't take on fourty-one with their weapons. Convince the reader that those three can take on the fourty-one! Mebbe Gawen has some spells of her own. Mebbe she is advanced beyond the skills of the sage Rai. Also, you noted that the date is December 15 2087. I, as the reader, doesn't want to know what date it is. I want to know how these three characters overcome great odds (3 versus 41) while dealing with personal issues in the midst of impending destruction(Gawen being related to Kay.). And don't forget: "Show - don't tell." SHOW the reader - don't tell. Convince the reader that he/she should keep reading your story. But overall, this kinda stuff will come with time as you write and gain experience. Don't get involved with details, characterization, and freewriting so much you don't have fun. Because that's what writing is - having fun. I hope this helps...
Noir Fleurir 2005-05-21 ch 3,	This is an awesome story. Keep writing. i like your writing a lot:) Thanks for reviewing my stuff:)!!

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