It seems like what threw it off is maybe you were trying to make it rhyme... I love the message, and I think you could have even gotten it across without rhyming. Free verse: the non-conforming poetry! I think you would be quite good at it.

i like, its so beautiful and for you having a hard time making it flow it flows amazingly well...i like it. lots of love AllyCred

hiya Arcane, i like your poem, but i agree with sumi, the flow IS kinda awkward, but it's good. hope you keep writing, i wanna read more XD

gramatiks and words instead of numbers. quite angsty. but oh well, a knife through the heart with 'you' in it. that blows. tee. keep it coming.

kakyou

hmn...the flow is rather awkward in some places, I'd suggest playing around with the wording, that could help. other then that, the rhyming pattern's a bit strange in my opinion. okay, enough critism, this poem does show a lot of promise. not your best yet, but acceptable and well done nonetheless.

Sumi

ADD-san! XD O_O ;3; Well done! Really tragic and ad me almost crying. -.-; The flow was good but you could do better. ) You did say you were having trouble with this peice. :P Great job anyway! Keep up and continue the good work!

!* Noelle *!

I think you did you did an okay job making it flow. The last line though doesn't really fit. The message does, but the words don't if that makes any sense. Maybe you could edit it a bit, but otherwise i liked this poem. nice work

I truly like the message in this one, and it may have great promise. My only qualm is that you seem to be caught somewhere between rhyming and... er... not rhyming - I don't know your intent at this point, so it really leaves the reader lost as to what kind of flow and feel you want to give this poem. Anywho - as I said, I see promise in this, perhaps a bit more tweaking here and there. Keep writing and I keep reading. :)