Wow, Murphy really doesn't like this kid much does he? He just had all his "Worst Possible Moments" on the same day!

Your storytelling is really quite good. The mechanics, however, need some work for a stronger, more concise read.

As an example I'm going to pull the first paragraph.

"If you were to venture one day to the city of Carmago you would find at the heart of the many streets and intersections a coffee shop called Ben Dover’s Café. The café was never short of customers, was almost always filled to the brim with coffee/cappuccino-fuelled fanatics. The popularity of this little café has never ceased to be beaten but alas those that tried have failed and the reason? The man that was behind the establishment of such a fine institution was of course Ben Dover – a big guy with a big heart whose number one priority was his duty towards others. To everyone else a customer was money but to Ben they were royalty - the means to fund his living. And that is why a small coffee shop like Ben Dover’s Café really was the heart of the city."

This has a very interesting hook. Be careful that you don't move into run on sentences. There are a few here that can be fixed by either punctuation or by a slight rewrite.

The introductory sentence would be cleaner written: "If you were to venture one day to the city of Carmago, you would find, at the heart of the many streets and intersections, Ben Dover’s Café. The coffee shop was..."

You'll note that I've pulled out "A coffee shop named..." and tacked it on as the beginning of the next sentence. It is not necessary to explain everything in the first sentence, so I thought it more concise to just name the place. Its description can be used to flesh out the rest of the paragraph. In addition, note the placement of the commas: the first is to separate the prepositional phrase from the main body of your sentence. The two isolating "At the heart" are because that phrase is not necessary to the sentence (IE if you pulled it out the sentence would still make sense).

I have found (At the risk of those around me wondering about my sanity) that reading a sentence out loud with all the proper weight placed on the words will point out to you things that are a little wonky. If you pause in your reading, there should probably be some kind of punctuation there.

Also, look at your character descriptions. You've done an excellent job of describing personality, but I have no idea what the main characters look like. This can be tricky, because it would be easy to data dump a description into the first one or two paragraphs, try to intersperse it between action and dialogue. Such as: "“So Ben, you’re rather chirpy today, who’s the lucky lady?” Jose inquired, wagging dark eyebrows at him.

Ben glanced up at his friend, from the box he was opening, an unrestrained smile imprinted on his square face."

You can see where I started throwing descriptive items in with what you already have established. This is a much more dynamic way in which to hook your reader into what is happening. It also adds a lot of depth to your characters. Try to apply the same thing to your backgrounds (This is still one I struggle with - I'm a central character description kind of gal).

Dialogue: You do actually quite well on your dialogue, not a whole lot I can pick at. Just a suggestion. "...you get my drift…?” Ben said."

I point this out, because this is a question...and you have "Said," which implies a statement. Try to pick things that match what the dialogue actually shows. In this case I think you could drop it all together and not lose a thing. But I had no problem following the dialogue, nor was I confused on who was speaking, so well done!

Overall a very cute introduction to a guy who's down on his luck when it comes to love! LOL!

Oh dear...ben never seems to get a break does he? I hope he eventually gets his revenge on that stupid waiter. Looking foward to more.