O. Now that's like Shirley Jackson only WITH the sociopathy. And funnier!

You're right. I like the concept, and many of the passages, but some were strained. Why explain more than you need to?

Inserting the bit about the doctor and the heart at the last moment is just too handy...you might be able to imply that through his "tubby" nature, and/or more explict information about his drinking habits.

I think some of the lines can just be struck: "Life's too good to ruin with false regrets" -- why moralize? just get on with the ending. Moving at a brisk pace is better for your heart.

I also have to confess, that despite my love of your first line...it doesn't relate to the sentences you connect it to. Standing alone, I get it. But combined with the sheep and lambs...all I get are meandering thoughts... the car car hits the sheep and maybe I get some wool yarn out of the deal. Criminals? Where did that come from? I like it, but where did it come from?

Nitpicks: "The thought repulses me, actually" -- 'Actually,' if you really feel you need it, should be at the beginning of the sentence.

"He had a lot of money and was misusing it." -- How about just 'He had a lot of money.' why justify again?

Could "more responsible hands" become "my responsible hands?" I think that may be interesting to try...

In that same sentence: "may" should probably be "might."

"box springs" is singular, it should be "box spring."

"Your loss" isn't a complete sentence, so it should be followed by a comma not a semi-colon.

Things I liked (I always put this last, because I figure you've been beat upon enough).

This sentence: My first foray into less than legal activities went smashingly well, so why not shear a little closer; press the pedal a little harder?

The ending: especially the ease with which you transition from first to second person.

The breezy affect of the narrator.

-JoAnna

I really liked the first line. It was clever. but i don't see the parallel between it and your characters situation.

I think it is a good idea but i came away feeling a little empty, sold short if you will. It seems like you have more there that you could have written. Two examples that stick you to me:

1)"... the lives of those who irritated him." I think you could have used more creative language here. Irritated is such a vague word. This was an oppourtunity to express more of Bains' character, what about people really makes him want to ruin them, or is it just a whim?

2) "... some unsuspecting sap. If he was dead ..." Again, i want more. It seems like the jump from the problem to the solution was too quick. I felt like there should have been some more thought process from the narator. Why is killing him the best solution? What other ideas did she come up with? why weren't they practical? You have painted the character as a rather rational being, but when she treats killing as if it was the obvious solution and the first one that popped into her head, it loses a sense of reality.

It is a creative story with some very strong points to it (first and last lines being my favortie); however, i know you can do better.

That was great...makes you wonder how many people are really murdered a year...

That is rather creepy. Well done.

Please R&R some of my work. I'll return the favor.