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| Uncle-Al2 2005-04-04 ch 7,   | The tone of this chapter is improved. You've got Ashley facing her feelings and looking forward towards life. You've got a number of typos in this chapter, while not as distracting as some, they disturb the flow of the story. Try having someone read out loud each chapter to you. If you don't have someone to physically read it for you, there are text to speech programs that you can use. Follow along with the reader.Good transitional ending in this chapter, makes us want to read more! |
| Uncle-Al2 2005-03-30 ch 6, | Okay, this was better! You're still making a few grammar errors and some typos, but I didn't loose my place even once this thime. You've addressed the issue with the summary and have introduced some foreshadowing and conflicts. Good thing with the ghost and with the restrictions on the property. I still don't know why he wants to get rid of / give the property away. I can live without that total understanding though.Nice interaction with Ninna and Mr. Jones, I could see the flirting and conniving. Thanks for sharing! |
| Uncle-Al2 2005-03-28 ch 5, | Okay, we're still in development stage here, but what is going on with the Mansion. That was supposedly the focus of the stroy from the summary. The gossip issue in the last chapter, could have been handled by the Grandmother herself, since she knows of Ashleys abilities. All in all, I think you have the start of a fun story here, if you do a few things;Have someone proofread your chapters,Tone back the Manga influences,Resolve /reduce the relationships of the guys and Ashley. Very confusing as it now stands.Keep on writing and thanks for sharing! |
| Uncle-Al2 2005-03-28 ch 3, | Chapter 2 *-*Nice set of introductory paragraphs for Ashley, you've painted her as a friendly and likable person. The descriptive paragraph seems to have been a struggle for you. I agree that you need more than height, weight, and hair color, but the description here seems contrived.20 Years old? Just out of high school? You need to back off your ages here, 20/21 might be correct for Poly grads, too young for university. You were consistent with "Ninna" this chapter, I suggest you go back and fix chap 1. Jason is looking at Ashley in a manner that the Grandmother recognizes, he could be Bi, is that your intent?Mr Jones and the property, this foreshadowing but a little strange too. As an aside, New Zealand is "down there" both for the States and Merry Old Britain. |
| Uncle-Al2 2005-03-28 ch 2, | Hi Shianes friend, Uncle_Al here1st Chapter *-*Nanna turns to Ninna, some typos, and a couple of awkward sentences.You're trying to portray Ashleys' backstory using Nanna and Jason as the vehicle. You've let a supporting character (Jason) detract from this, he seems very pompous, vain, childish, and ignorant of his friend. Also at 21, he's too old to have been going to the prom with Ashley without more explaining.Grandma seems really neat and likable, maybe back off on Jasons' Theatrics. I'm also confused about the location of the story, too many manga references and Japanese visits to be anywhere but Japan, what is your intent? |