That story is making me sad. On the up hand, there was a grammar error that lifted my spirits.

Oh... my... God... I don't know whether I want to cry or not.

interesting letter. nice storry. how old is raidon anyway. for some reason this strikes me as 'different,' which is good. update. soon.

[Part two]

A cliffhanger, you say? I beg to differ. You know, this is the ideal way of rounding up a chapter painlessy. No offence, I hate cliffies. Anyway, on to the *Review*.

Whereas chapter one (or the prologue, rather) was mediocre in all aspects, this part actually features some character development and a somewhat structured plot.

The main setup, well, we've seen it before. The Young Hero, rescued from the clutches of the Slimy Villain by the Father Figure, whose pity is soon mixed with affection for the innocent little fighter.

"The Boy" is written in a way that is similar to how Michelle Magorian developed William in "Goodninght, mister Tom", with a few major exceptions.

Canine is surprisingly extrovert and verbose, considering his past life. The way he adapts mentally to his new environment, without turning mano-depressive or apathetic, indicates that he has either a very strong-willed character or a lazy author. Time will tell.

Also, it is a little unusual to write a child of that age so obviously **, from the very beginning. Mind you, i'm not saying it's a bad thing for the story, for it isn't. But if you start going 18+ with him and Raidon while he's still thirteen, I will seek you out and do bad things to you.

Your use of the english language is decent enough not to make my eyes bleed. A recommendation, though, is to have someone read your stories once or twice before posting. That way you could avoid some embarrassing misses, like "the Raidons lap".

But apart from a slight overuse of the word "male", and a vocabulary that swings between "a little too simple" and "a little too pompous", the story has a nice flow.

I notice a little insecurity in the dialogue writing. Look here, for example, exerpt from the beginning.

"'Where am I?' Both adults turned and looked at the 13-year-old boy lying in the bed."

Read carefully. One gets the impression that the adulds "turn 'Where am I?'" and then looks to the boy.

But if i format it like this, it works just fine.

"'Where am I?'

Both adults turned and looked at the 13-year-old boy lying in the bed."

Note that "'I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE!' Canine yelled angrily with his eyes glowing." looks perfectly good. This is just general writing advice, not some doctrine I'm force-feeding you.

You have obviously read a lot, and you know how to build a story, with tensions between characters and well-timed events. You could have decreased the level of sexual innuendo, but... whatever. That's just me.

Canine is just angsty enough, fiddling with knives without going full-out suicidal, and the whole hatefulness thing. Real ugly word too, "hatefulness".

I am a little interested in the fate of Dimitri. Is he really one of those rotten-to-the-core generic fantasy crooks, or in there a personality behind the whip? And I, as a reader, want to know more about the environment they are living in.

Where did they go after they saved "the Boy"? How does it look? Is it a grand castle, a beautiful country villa, a perfectly balanced japanese mansion? Are there fragrant white lilies in the garden, do they have pink curtains, does Raidon grow a beard?

Well, I'm rambling. Better quit that.

To sum it up, your story could sure have seen a few improvements language-wise (have it read before uploading!) and plot-wise (What? Where? Why? More!), but it works.

I did not feel like committing Seppuku with a frisbee after reading it, and i actually got down to spending twenty-odd minutes on a review.

Cheers.

Firstly, I like your characters names and the way Kami isn't really all there, but completely aware.

Things like "This man that was doing all of these terrible things to him" make it sound naive, like in that happy mother of two sort of way who says things like "oh poo." I think some of your phrasing seems to take away some of the gravity while others work really well. I like your sentence: "He shook his head the best he could." I'm not sure why it works so well, but it does.

All right, review-on-demand.

For a story consisting of a mere 477 words, this little baby contains surprisingly much material for a review.

Now I'm not personally into either homosexual relations nor rape, but the way the author uses the setting for an analysis, however brief and perhaps shallow, of the human mind intrigues me.In the thirty seconds it takes to read this, the reader gets a distinct picture of these characters.

I appreciate that the author has chosen not to put the emphasis on the rape itself, but on the emotions and reactions of the victim. It balances on the verge of tastelessness, but doesn't cross any lines.

To complain a little, I think that this fiction is a tad too much "black and white". The complete and utter innocence of the poor boy as opposed to the malicious and spiteful Dimitri makes the story lose some credibility.

One could argue on this, but I for one would rather have seen a little streak of supressed remorse in Dimitri, and maybe a little less angelic purity in the boy.

In terms of language use, this fiction is satisfactory. Despite a few missed commas, and a few where there should be none, the rythm and general tone is consistent and pleasing to read. The vocabulary used is simple, even minimalistic, and makes for a very intense depiction of the scene.

To comment on the storyline, I'd say it is probably best left like this. Writing another chapter would probably serve little purpose but to dilute whatever feelings you have after reading this. In its current state, the reader has to make up his own story, and filling out those poethic gaps in the plot would likely just make it vulgar and boring.

All in all, this is more like a display of the author's capacity than an excellent story in itself.

Now will you write something more, pweeze?