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| Loki Mischeif-Maker 2005-03-12 ch 1,   | I liked it -- very good, and very emotional. Someone's going to beg you to update this, though, and I know it's a short story. I love the open end, though. Well, you asked me for critiques and here they are: The first sentence; you start with you and mention its a quote. Will you please put it in quotes? I did love it as the opening, though, awesome. Second sentence: "smiled". Unless you add in an "in spite of" comment, it doesn't seem like Annie would smile with the way she's feeling. The discription is excellent, though, and after the smile the emotion is consistant and fits the tone very nicely. I loved the fixation on the eyes, too - awesome little detail there. There's one part of the third to last paragraph: "everyone and everything she thought she could rely had left." You mean thought she could rely ON, right? As a matter of person preference, I would have italicized the last lines. Remember, you asked for me to pick it apart! All in all, though, I loved the story, very thought-provoking. Great last line again, wonderful thing to leave the audience with. Yes, this is going to do well in that contest! Cheers! |