Thumbs and toes up. I like the snapshot form--it allows you to focus on what's important. I'm sure you meant for the first paragraph to lead the reader off of your point so you could get them really paying attention by the end, and you did that. The switch from first to third person isn't incredibly clear, but all you'd need to fix that would be another line break to illustrate a change of pace. Good imagery, details, etc. Overall, very well-written story.