I think the only thing off with this was the formatting dragged and the lack of punctuation. There were also a few parts where you repeated yourself a bit. The overall wording was enjoyable, though.

very very good job, i loved it, its expressed and written very very well, your on my faves, ill be watchin you

loveroncor

this is a really greaet peice, i actually feel like i'm running through the whole thing, amazing work, thank you for sharing