Good stuff. I had a hard time picturing how the chorus would sound, so I guess I gotta say that it sounded awkward to me. You probably have an idea in your head of how it sounds though, so no problem, it's just my first impression.

Again, great rhyming.

One other thing... in the last section, "I hear you smile," - perhaps I'm taking this too literally, but I'm pretty sure that people can't hear other people smile. Sorry if I'm being picky :P.

Some rhyming sounded forced. I liked the repeated line of "when we talk on the phone."

its good, so unusual to ur norm but i like it. its so true, the last stanza makes me smile too

Absolutely gorgeous. To think you did it in an hour. You certainly have a talent.

Keep writing, you just said how I've been feeling towards someone lately. Really nice, at least you can write songs that aren't toally beyond being dark, like me. Nice work, I look forward to reading more of your songs in the future.

I'm glad I read this. You expressed how I've been feeling lately. Maybe it's all in the way I interpret this, but I think it's lovely, and I think that you're a wonderful poet. I recognized your earlier pieces like "Wasting Away".