FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| jenifer ayrs to nobody 2005-03-25 ch 1, anon. | abusenobody, u r way too serious. this is just me expressing wat i wanted to say. its from the heart, not the head. thanks anyway tho x |
| MoOkiie 2005-03-24 ch 1,  | abuseI can relate to it. It's weird when you knew that preson likes you and do stuff for you but you dont like them the way they like you. |
| Nobody1 2005-03-24 ch 1, | abuseHmm. First, let me say that I am rather neutral about this piece. I cannot say that it is bad, but it isn't exactly good either. Its just ok. One of the problems that i see with this poem, is that i do not think that it should be written in the second person. The second person perspective is most useful when you describe another persons point of view, and the emotional dynamics of another individual. In that case, you can write in second person in order to respond to those dynamics, and in doing so paint a very vivid picture of what the poem is really about. However, i think that this particular work would be better conveyed from a first-person perspective. The emotional dynamics of this piece seem to occur in the person debating what to do. The one doing all the talking. So I would suggest changing the perspective of the poem, or change the person doing the talking. With that said, I would also have to note that this poem seems to start out rhyming, however about halfway through, it stops rhyming at all. This isn't a big deal, but I would suggest that you try to be as consistant as possible through the whole thing. I would also try using more elaborate language. Don't misinterpret what i just said. Being as fancy as possible with the words that you use is also a bad idea; but I can say "I didn't mean to hurt you" or "I never meant to break your heart". You decide which one sounds better. I prefer the latter of the two. Not only because it uses more eloquent phrasing, but also because it paints a visual picture. And once you paint a visual picture, you can also build off of that picture to lengthen your poem without watering it down. Finally, see if you can elaborate a bit more. This poem is a little to quick about getting the message across.If you can avoid watering it down, see if you can elaborate and lengthen the poem a bit. Anyway, thats all. -Nobody (P.S. If you wish to respond to this review, please read my bio before doing so.) |