omg...I'm so pissed off I didn't start reading this earlier...next to "The Silence In Neon Colors" && "Charades"...it's totally like you're best story...I love it.

Okay. I gotta go finish reading Trails, Sire!

Oh my gosh! I love this story! I should've read it sooner.

Anyway, there were a few spelling mistakes, but that's OK. I understood what you meant.

I agree, I think that the ending was kind of rushed. If you need any help rewriting, just ask me. I'll be glad to help, if I can.

This story had a great plot and I'm sure it will be even better when you redo it.

Ya know, I meant to read this, but I kept forgetting! Curse me!

It's interesting so far and I wanna know Loki more so I'm going to go read the rest of what you've posted.

okay, big thing here: "drew out a red long sleeved shirt with “Afi” embezzeled on the front" "Embezzlement" is the act of fraudulently take anything or weasle anything into your pockets for your own expense (usually money), but it's not quite stealing 'cuz you're not putting your hands on it. corrupt corporate CEOs do it all the time. Perhaps you meant "emblazoned" which means to be across something? just checking _as far as the rest of this chapter: dialogue. it shouldn't take up more than 1/3rd of the page, and you should only use it when it affects the plot. example: Garrett asking to take Loki to school, necessary. Loki chatting with her friends about the Kasabian album: mot mecessary. do summarization of dialogue whenever you can, or just use indirect dialogue (instead of saying, “What are you doing here? You don’t drive me to school, I walk.” you could just say, I asked him what he was doing here). Anywya, keep writin'!

good second chapter, though it definitely needs to be spell-checked!

ooh, good start. lots of conflict, the build-up of a story, you'd be surprised how many people on FP can't get a decent start to a story _ You've got a good, natural voice for prose, thought you might want to watch for your use of -ly words. They're clunky, and make weak images. Use poetic devices instead of -ly words whenever you can, and you won't beleive the difference it makes in the strenght of you writing.

Ecellent chapter. The way you experess the thoughts of your characters is great, Loki comes out as a stubborn young woman with a scense of humor. Love the bite/ vaccine line.

There's still some mistakes when it comes to typing,but other than that, you are doing a good job at writing. Knowing me I would have someone dead already. Everything I try to write ends up turning into a soap opera, just my luck I guess. Keep writing!

good first chapter. You have a few typos in here, but other than that I think you're a good writer. I can't wait to read more.

Oh, the language. There are Christian ears here. Ha ha, joking. Sorry, that's just something I do. Well, great story. I love it.

Yay! THat's wonderful! ]

That was really...abrupt.

Really enjoyable story...but you could have made it longer...

Good story glad you wrote it!

wow! This is great stuff! You must continue-you have a great way with words and this is a great and compelling read!