I really like this. You put in just the right touches of detail. It reminds me of Shirley Jackson short stories only without, you know, the sociopathy :D

I like the lines about the shoes. Yup.

It's pretty short, so I just copied the thing and put my comments in brackets [].

Jim McPhee buttoned[buttons] his second cufflink and pulled[pulls] his collar straight. Looking askance at his reflection, Jim sucked[sucks] in his gut and adjusted[adjusts] his cummerbund for the fourth time. Tonight was [tonight is, not was] the company’s annual employee appreciation banquet. This would be [will be] Jim’s twentieth attendance. Manager of customer service at a large bank, rumor ran that he would be receiving yet another token plaque [end that sentence here, the rest is boring] thanking him for his years of client-calming.

Jim was bored [no dear, he is bored. Present tense.]. For the last five years, the only thing he couldn’t count on being the same was his cell phone bill;[As much as I love semicolons, I feel that the cell phone bill line needs a longer pause so I would separate the two independent clauses] he found[finds] the ingenious fee system masochistically exciting. At forty-nine, comfortable routine bound[binds] him like cashmere shackles. [nice paragraph]

Jim lived [lives] life almost entirely within his head these days.[strike "these days"] A rich fantasy life[perhaps just: Rich fantasies kept him…] kept[keeps] him mellow enough to deal with [the] crabby old ladies who had heard[hear] about that free checking and wanted[want] to know, young man, why Fiscal Washington wasn’t[isn't] doing the same. In his mind, Jim’s greying hair disappeared[disappears], along with the slight paunch and near-sightedness[older people are more often farsighted, if you are going for products of aging] He ran[boring verb] along basketball courts instead of producing useless paperwork[repetitive, you get the idea of what he does earlier on], climbed[climbs] mountains[comma] and surfed[surfs] instead of placating newly-graduated students astonished by the consequences of interest.

Jim brushed[brushes] his hair a final time and tied[ties] his shoes: right first, left second. He wondered[wonders] if he should rejoin a gym. After Serious Fitness went under, he had simply[strike 'had simply'] let gravity take the wheel. All these new places were[are]so intent on strange diets and charts of muscles[also known as the two word 'muscle charts']. Jim missed[misses] the stationary bike and a simpler[strike 'a simpler', replace with 'simple'] weight system. Back in high school, when he actually played basketball, body fat and muscle groups interested him[strike "body fat" too many 'ands' in the sentences leading up]. Now he just wanted to run across the house to the phone and not have to catch his breath. [Perhaps- Now, he just wants to run to a ringing phone without running out of breath.]

Jim warmed[warms] up the car. While he waited[waits] for his wife, he wondered[wonders] if an affair would[could?] snap him out of this disconnection[not quite the right word.]. The newness would ignite his interest and the problem of hiding his activities would stimulate his mind. But when[as] Sheri slid in next to him[comma after him] in the same spangly dress she wore every year, that[the] idea withered. Jim couldn’t do that to her. No matter how unreal[not quite the right word? I think I know what you mean, but it's just not coming out quite right] he felt[feels], he still loved[love] her. And he doubted[doubts] whether anyone else would have him. They had[have] been married for twenty-three years, and most of them had[have] been good. Her feng shui kick last year had irritated him, but only because he kept tripping on the silly little footstools on the way to bed every night. [meh. I see what you are going for, but it's a little cliché with the woman decorating and man tripping over stuff.]

Jim thought[thinks] about buying a new car. An El Camino, perhaps. He had[strike had] always liked those. He parked[parks] his sensible Volvo V70 and opened[opens] the door for Sheri. Blue, with a hard top. He would love one of those. Of course, he still had four payments on the wagon and Sheri thought El Caminos were the sickly love child between a truck and the Dukes of Hazzard car. Not sickly, but sleek, Jim felt. [try: Not sickly- sleek, Jim knew.]

Jim waved[waves] at his coworkers and seated[seats] his wife at their table. She cooed[coos] over the floral centerpiece and gossiped[gossips] happily about children with the other spouses. The menu was[is] a fancy affair guaranteeing heartburn later that night. He ordered[orders] a scotch, neat, and resigned[resigns] himself to small talk. While conversation ran the strained routes of coworkers forced to spend their free time with each other[perhaps: Coworkers wove conversation along the strained routes of people forced to mingle while Jim…], Jim let his mind wander again. Perhaps he should cultivate an exotic drug habit[Perhaps is wishy-washy. Try: He could cultivate…]. Hashish or absinthe, an alluring mind-bender to color over the grey days[coloring grey days- Darling, I know you can come up with a better metaphor than that]. A tinkling laugh jerked[jerks] him out of a dream of Arabian harem girls and French painters. Sheri laid[lays] a casual hand on his wrist and repeated[repeats] a pun someone in middle management had cracked. Jim laughed[laughs] obligingly and kissed[kisses] her on the cheek. He didn’t[doesn't] have the money or heart to keep up imported drugs for long. And really, it would just turn into a new routine.

Jim ended[ends] up with a small check and a thank-you ham. Sheri found[finds] the ham funny and planned to cook it up the next night to celebrate the check[ strike the 'and.' She planned to…]. As Jim tugged free his bow tie, he wondered[wonders] if the check would[could? You just use 'would so often…] cover a down payment on a small sailboat. He could smell the sea salt as he took his shoes off: left first, right second [opposite his shoe tying pattern. I'm not sure I like that- it would mean his right shoe had been on his foot for substantially longer than the left. He doesn't strike me as that unbalanced…(ha, the sad thing is I noticed that on my first read through…)] If he bought[buys] a boat, he could fish on weekends and take Sheri on romantic day trips[another and…]. Of course, that would involve learning to sail. And Jim wasn’t a strong swimmer[avoid putting phrases in the negative, say he was a bad swimmer rather than not a good one]. For that matter, he didn’t like fish.[strike "for that matter"]

Jim sighed[sighs][comma] and pulled back the covers on the bed. Maybe the gym held the answer[since he makes his 'choice' here, kind of, I would strike the maybe]. It was an achievable goal,[this might be a good place for that semicolon. Strike the 'and' and join the two thoughts with a one of these little cuties: ;] and he liked[likes] the camaraderie of smaller gyms. It would[will] be relatively simple to check on the internet on coffee breaks['on' twice in a row] for a suitable place, and [then] he would be set. Tomorrow. He would start looking tomorrow.[strike the 'he would start…' sentence] Jim turned[turns] out the light.

major points:- The verb 'ran' is used quite often.- Watch for the urge to stuff more inside a sentence than needs to be there. You could build a railroad with all the conjunctions in this story.- Stay out of the past tense. Because the story is about a man with a boring life you need the writing to be active for the story to stay interesting. It's also better suited to the following of Jim's thoughts; you don't think "if I bought a fish" you think "if I buy a fish," etc. I tried to change it wherever I saw, but I was[ strike was, am] tired so don't assume I got them all.- I like the treatment of a mid-life crisis through the ruthlessly cognitive perspective.- I like the bit about cell phones- The frame and structure is solid and well arranged.

Okay. Am tired. Signing out.

JoAnna