Lackadaisical? Lol that’s an old word. ^^ haven’t heard it in a while. Haha. Yay, no italics this time! This chapter seemed a bit sketchy, but still gave a whole lot more information. Some grammar errors, but overall, very well written. Lol I actually gave a “review”. ^^ well, see ya next chap! +Niiro-san

Hmn…that was interesting. Glad there’s more, cuz I don’t really get too much of what’s going on and also…(not a car person)…=.=; hey, is it all supposed to be in italics? It’s kinda hard to read that way ya know? Well, based on what I could understand, that was pretty good! ^^ Nice moon race there. Looking forward to more!+Niirop.s. thanks for the review! ^^ lol It's summer now so I shall try to read more of your work. I really like it. :D And I'll be sure to drop you a review every now and then too1 Thanks again! :P

All I gotta say to Demi is, you reap what ya sow, babe. Update soon!! (Even though I hardly ever update anymore. . .) Onegai?

I know, I'm still talking about my sister, but this happened to us before. My sister bet a lot more money though, but she didn't have any, lol, needless to say, we won, about 1500 dollars. That day was a fun one.

Still reminding me of my retarded sister. . .I like to watch her race. . .and i like honey nut chex. . .hehe

Hey Yin. Here I am again to hand out a critique or two to your racing story, 'Shutup and Drive'. Firstly, thank you very much for your reviews on my stories. It was good to see that someone else liked them and we both no how hard it is to get reviews from people on this site. It's like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Secondly, I'm glad that you found my advice useful and I'm sorry if I seemed a bit harsh with my criticisms, but I've looked over some of your other works (but haven't really had the time to review any of them other than this one) and have seen how well you can handle the written word. So, as such, I guess that I may have been comparing this story to your others subconsciously. Again, I didn't mean to be rude or anything, I just think that you are capable of handling your written word better than you did in those chapters that I critiqued. I just wanted you to know that. Now, moving right along. Well, I guess I want to point out something to you real quick. You need to go through your first three chapters again. Why? Because I there are a lot of misspaced words in them. I'm not sure if you were just in a rush to finish up your chapters or if (like mine) your space bar is going all wonky. LOL! Either way, you have a lot of run-on words in the previous three chapters that need to be addressed. But the news isn't all bad, Yin. I think that you did a wonderful job of 'overhaulin'' chapter three! It read SO much better than it did before! You did an awesome job tying all of the scenes together! And because of what you have told me in one of your reviews, I will not be pointing out the lack of description anymore since this was original deemed to be a script-work. That should be one last thing you have to worry about me critiquing...LOL! Anyways, let's move out of the past and into the present. Chapter Four was...well, it was a bit on the short side. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. Especially when you keep it interesting with the POV of different character. Personally, I like this switch in perspective. It really works for your storyline. However, I do think that you could have a bit more indepth into the character personas...but then, the mystery of who they are will keep the readers coming back. It is a shame that you - no pun intended - have seem to run out of gas on what you want to do next with this story. I wish that I had some suggestions to give you, but I'm having a problem just keeping all of my stuff updated! But, I am getting off of the subject again. This chapter runs pretty cleanly, almost avoiding the grammar issues of the previous chapters. I do have one question to ask you - why all of the hyphen use? Surely commas or semi-colons would work much better in some of those areas in which they were used. And there is at least one area here that I was completely confused by:

'"No excuse. Here. Six thirty. Not seven," King said, then walked away.

"But I'd really like to meet this girl," King replied, looking up at her.'

These two lines just seem...weird to me. Nothing wrong with them grammatically, they just don't seem to read well together. It seems like there should have been some dialogue coming from Demi placed in between them so wouldn't sound so contradictive of each other. Just a suggestion:

'"No excuse. Here. Six thirty. Not seven," King said, then walked away.

Demi glared at King's back then quickly wiped the look from her face when he suddenly paused in his steps.

"W-What," she stammered uncertainly as he gazed back in her direction.

"Hm? Oh...nothing really. It's just...I'd really like to meet this girl," King replied, looking over at her with cool eyes.'

There you go! I hope that doesn't tread on what you originally put there. I just figured that this would help to smooth the transition of the dialogue flow and wordage. Well, other than that, I have no other real suggestions to give you. Only that you should keep going with this and, if you need my help, I'll always be more than glad to give it to you.

Terryll's Writing Tip:

'Remember, it's the characters drive your story forward. If the readers can't identify with them, the interest will be lost no matter HOW good the storyline itself is...'

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...

This reminds me of my sister, who is an illegal drag racer, she's really good, whoops the ** out of all the guys ^^, anyway, good so far.

Yep, you guessed it. It's me again! Man, you're probably tired of seeing my text right about now! LOL! But don't worry, Yin, this is the last review. Until you update, that is! Well, let's get to it, shall we?

Okay, my first and very big grump. Scene separaters (i.e. line-breaks)! The way that this chapter is written, everything just seems to teleport from one area to the next like Goku from DBZ using 'Instant Transmission'. One minute you're in the apartment, the next you're in the garage, and after that your on the street preparing to race. This really disrupts the flow of your third chapter and is kind of a disappointment to me because I know that you capable of so MUCH more! I don't know Yin, it's like you just kind of gave up on really putting your heart into this chapter. There's no fire or energy in it and it pales in comparison with the previous two - especially the energy and sense of intensity that the first chapter had. If you are letting the lack of reviews get to you, please don't. Trust me, I know what you are going through on that end but you can't let it discourage you from putting your heart and soul into what you right. This chapter needs to be looked over and given a serious overhaul before you move on to the next. Your description has neither improved nor worsened and it remains the same as the previous chapters as in there still isn't enough of it. Honestly, I'm not really sure what happened in this chapter. It really does seem like you didn't give a damn about how it turned out and just wrote it to add to what was already here. I really liked this story as there aren't many racing manga-esque entries in this section of FP. Please, please try harder if you plan to continue with this story. It really does have all the potential in the world, but even that won't matter if the author has become discouraged and lost her desire to write. Remember Yin, reviews DO NOT make the story good. The WRITER does. And no amount of 'great fic, update soon please' will make a bad story any better. Please remember my words here and gain encouragement from them. I'm not trying to be a hardass, I'm just trying to get you to realize the potential that you have is not measured in the number of reviews lying next to your title. It has always been about - and always will be about - the talent that lies within you. Something that a lack of reviews should NEVER make you doubt that you have. Please, remember that...

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...

Hello again, Yin! Review number two coming at ya! I only have a few minor gripes about this chapter (besides the obvious shortness of it...LOL). The first is that you need to go through your initial paragraph again. There were two things there that stuck out in my mind - albeit very minor things.

Frist: In the eighth sentence of the first paragraph, at the very end of it you use '5'8'. Is it possible that you could have used 'five foot eight'? Sometimes, height and weight numbers look better if they are spelled out. But that is just my opinion.

Second: In the tenth sentence, the section that reads 'in a black uniform with logo's all over it' probably didn't need to have that 'it' since the first few words do a more than adequate job describing the uniform's appearance.

The other thing I can think of after what I mentioned above is that your story could probably benefit from a little more description here and there. Everything seems a bit...sparse in detail. Not that I'm saying you should every little thing, just that you could do with adding some more words to describe the characters and their appearance. While some of your readers may have very vivid imaginations and can conjure up an imgae of Akina or her grandmother in their minds, there are some who cannot. That is why I suggested that you add a little more detail to your characters as it would help the less imganinative readers to get into the story a bit easier. Other than that, everything else is fine. It is a decent continuation from the first chapter, but it could definitely benefit from a little more tweaking and fine-tuning. Well, one more chapter to go! Don't give up on your writing! Being a writer in more than getting good reviews...

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...

Hey Yin! Thanks for the reviews on 'th13rteen hours'! I was glad to hear that you liked both it and 'Yumi: Violent Tendencies'. But, enough about my stories and lets get to yours. I like it. It gives you a nice shot of excitement and a terrific sense of speed. A little short on character description and development, but I'm sure that will become a part of the story in the later chapters. I read your profile and thoughts that it was great that you actually research out information on street racing to make the story seem authentic. Good job! It's something that more people should do on this site! Your desciptions were good. Not very indepth, but enough to give the reader a good sense of the surrounding world. Now, about your word flow. I'll admit that I had a couple of problems with some of your word usage. Nothing major, but enough to stutter the nice pacing that you had going in this chapter. Here are some that I noticed:

'We both revved - even I, with only one hand on the wheel...' - I was wondering if you really needed to have that 'even I' in this sentence since the 'We both revved' line kind of covers the fact that both of them are revving their engines. Could it have worked if it was written like this? 'We both revved, only one hand on our car's vibrating steering wheels'. Or something else along those lines?

'We sped off I at 100. I didn't know nor care what speed she was at, but I knew I was gonna beat it.' - The only thing I can see here is that the 'I' in the very first sentence doesn't really need to be there. It definitely seems very much out of place.

'I didn't care that she was in an 05' Ferrari. I didn't. I've beaten Lamborghini's before...' - I thought that the apostrophe (05') would come before the number ('05) since you were using the last two numbers in a four digit year. If I am wrong, just ignore me and this critique.

'"I love you baby!" I yelled, kissing my steering wheel, which was covered in a leather sparco cover. Ten more MPH's before I had to shift again.' - Hm, I wonder if there was another word that you could have substituted for 'covered' as to prevent it's double use in that sentence. Possible choices that I can think of: 'wrapped', 'enshrouded' or even 'hidden under' (delete 'in' to use properly). Using either of these would probably make the setence flow much better to the reader.

'I shifted, and as I did I realized I was going a little bit faster than her...' - I wonder if there may have been a way for you to lessen the use 'I' in this sentence. I can only see one way, and it would just remove two of the 'I's'. 'I shifted, realizing blankly as I did that my car was moving a little bit faster than hers...'.

'I passed her up, by a long shot. Her nitrous ran out early - she shifted into sixth. I however, was only in fifth. She pushed it. Pushed her car to the limit. Just as she did, her car went near a median. Big old, manilla, plain as day Median. Her car was as far as it would go, redlining, just at the end of that red line. She didn't swerve past it in time. She didn't make it.' - In the sixth sentence, the line 'just at the end of that red line' doesn't really seem to be needed. I think that the first part of that sentence pretty much covers that fact that her opponent's vehicle was in the process of redlining.

'I got in my car and sped off.' - Only one problem with this line. When did she get out of her car? The sentences before this one only state that she swirved to a halt and watched the other car wreck against the median. It never stated whether or not she got out. As it is, it just sounds kind of off to me and stunts the flow of your wordplay near the end of this chapter. The only thing I can think of to help this would be to either delete the line itself or add an extra line that describes her exiting her vehicle. Either suggestion would help to smooth out your word flow.

Well, that's it! I really hope that you don't mind this critiquing that I did of this chapter of 'Shutup and Drive!'. I think that this has a lot of potential, plus I know how hard it is to get reviews that help you instead of the obligatory 'Cool story, update soon' type. Feh, good critiques are hard to find anywhere on FP! LOL! But if I offended you in any way, I am truly sorry because that wasn't my intent. I just wanted to help you to create the best story possible with the meager skills that I have at my disposal. I hope that you continue to read and review my writings, afterall, EVERYONE could a few reviews...right? LOL! Anyways, I better go. I still have two more chapters of 'Shutup and Drive!' to review! Keep on writing, never give up and always remember that it's the author, not the reviews, that make a story great...

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...

p.s didnt see the arrow things to the other chapters.

good story.A wee bit short though but i am sure that your working on it.Sorry 'bout the grammer errors on my story.I fall asleep in english class.Thanks for the review and continue on your story.

chris

Hmm...that was creepy. It reminds me of someone I know - the kind of person who almost gets killed speeding and then goes ahead and does it the next time despite it all. I think the ending was a little unrealistic, but it was very poignant, which is what it seemed you were going for. Nice overall.